AIBU to feel envious of a friend’s much easier setup?

[bumblebeequeen12]

I know this is absolutely none of my business but it really aggravates me and I have to get it off my chest...and yes its an element of jealousy

I am a single parent to 2 dc so I'm on my own...no help from their Dad. He's not in the picture at all.
A friend of mine (also a single parent when we met) has her DC dad still around (lives nearby) he has the DC 50:50 sometimes she has them more do to his work as he can travel. He does not pay official maintenance but gives her half of all big costs. Like new clothes, uniform, big birthday presents, dental costs etc.
Takes them abroad on holiday.
Now in the last 4 years this friend has met a wonderful man, he has taken on the DC and they love him, they have bought a house together (they both earn well) as does her ex. So these dc are now being supported by 3 high earning adults.
Not only in monetary terms but he will do school drop collections, bring them to clubs etc. They are going on 4 holidays between being with their dad and mum.
I know IBU and I'm happy they are cared for but it just feels like punch in the stomach. My friend never had it as hard as me and she is aware of that but her life has just got so much easier and mine and my dc...well it just gets worse tbh. Talk me down please. And be kind.

I agree with this really even though I know it sounds harsh.

I have lots of friends that pick really poor partners and seem completely blind to the absolutely glaring red flags. When it inevitably goes wrong, they claim that it's bad luck and there weren't any signs that their partner was so awful. Nobody ever contradicts them as it seems cruel. When hints are subtly dropped then they either become defensive or don't appear to recognise what is being suggested.

OP you had two children with a useless man. You are now paying the price. Obviously your ex is to blame in many ways but you have to take some accountability yourself. Your friend is blameless though and a complete red herring. You are directing your anger at her as she is highlighting the true cost of your poor decision making.

It’s normal to feel like this so be kind to yourself! When life gets shit, I always think that there are people out there who has it worse than me and I appreciate what I have.

THIS. This is like my friend telling me I am soooo "lucky" with my weight when I work out like crazy at the gym, keep a strict diet whilst she eats whatever she wants and is sedentary. No judgment at all about her choices but dont then lecture me about how "lucky" I am because its not bloody luck.

Come on, there’s no need to be so unkind

I married a ‘wonderful man who was a great father’. We lived mortgage free in a house worth almost half a million and had a great life, until he sexually abused my daughter (his too but I chose to forget that). I’m now a single parent of 3 living with parents, claiming benefits for the first time in my life and unable to get a job. He’s now awaiting trial for 13 sexual offences involving another victim too and indecent images.

so excuse me if I tell you to f**k off with your judgy statements. When I met, married and decided to have children with him he was an ‘upstanding member of the community, on lots of committees, had a great job and had never been a waster or a deadbeat dad, until the truth came out I had no idea.

Your time will come x

I on the other hand had my dd with waste of space ex, then as I was leaving realised I was pregnant again, he has never met ds.

Why keep having sex with the waste of space? Take accountability for your own decisions instead of envy of others.

Maybe she didn't keep having sex with men who are a waste of space? You knew the father of your first child was a waste of space but still had another. That is on you.

It is natural to be envious. I am also envious of others who have (had) it better than me. Your friend has an easier life. Her life worsening or improving had no effect on yours except the envy. I think once you accept the envy as natural and legitimate you will stop the internal struggle between the voice that says you need to (only) be happy for your friend and your actual mixed feelings.

Comparison and envy are the thieves of joy.

She’s obviously ‘lucky’ that her ex is still being a good parent, as many aren’t.

She’s also met a lovely new man who wants to make a life with her and her children.

You might find the same - who knows? 🤷‍♀️

I would say try to let go of some of the shame of feeling envious. I actually disagree with people saying you sound like you don't like her.

I had this for a while when I couldn't have a second child - I had a seething jealousy of people pregnant with their second. I found that trying really hard to supress that emotion was unproductive. Instead I try to acknowledge it to myself but be pragmatic - their success/ happiness is nothing to with my sadness.

You know this already of course but sometimes really spelling it out to yourself like a mantra is a good thing.

I have this situation with my best friend OP. She married an older very wealthy man and has led a charmed life to the extent that even when she is about to do something stupid, fate always steps in and prevents it. Her husband died some years ago, but she remarried two years later to another extremely nice man who is also well set up financially. She lives in a beautiful house, pursues an expensive hobby and has several holidays every year. She hasn't really worked since her teens, but is enjoying a wonderful 'retirement'. I honestly don't begrudge her happiness and prosperity but just wish that my life could be easier. Even after working for 59 years, I have little to show for it and an ongoing worry with two very poorly family members. It really is a case of 'life's a bitch and then you die' and It's hard not to feel resentful.

I think in these situations I would focus on the positives in life. You (presumably) have your health, your children have good health & are happy & well looked after by you. You have a roof over your head, food, income, nice school/nursery for them. Just think how much worse it would be without these 👆I always think how very lucky I am compared to say people surviving in impoverished third world countries. We are the fortunate ones.

My children's father is dead so he isn't coming back either.

Is it harder than having a great active second parent? For sure, but wishing it were different doesn't change anything.

OP, get 'Let Them' as an audio-book, it has a great chapter on how envying people about things you cannot control is not only pointless, it means you have less energy to change the things you can change.

You have no idea of the quality of her relationships or how her children feel about it all.

Focus on making your own little family happy.

I'm sorry your ex is so crap. The fact that your friend has a more supportive ex and current husband is neither here nor there. Why isn't your ex paying maintenance?

@Singlemumsurvivor I hear you and can tell a similar tale. Everyone thought my DH was amazing until it turned out he REALLY wasn't. It's disappointing to read so many threads blaming a woman for bad choices in men. Surely that's on the men. Sometimes it can take years for people to show their true colours.
OP I am sorry that you're feeling like this. I understand how relentless it can be. However, now mine are grown up, we have such a strong family bond and it was worth every minute.

Well, no, she doesn't. She has her partner supporting her and her ex supporting and caring for his children, as he should.

As others said, you also never know what other people's lives are like. Some people I know project perfection but are actually coping with massive challenges behind closed doors.
Try to build on your own happiness and be happy for hers.

LOL. Great answer

The reality is women have far more to lose, that’s just how it is. OP has already said she had one DC with her ex, and then found herself pregnant again just as she was leaving him. After the first DC, she must have had some sense that he wasn’t going to be a great father, and the timing of the second pregnancy doesn’t reflect great judgement.
Women do need to be more selective. On another thread, an OP is asking whether she should ask a man for a second date (they've been on a 1st) after he already declined the first time she asked. She wants to ask again. Most posters have said the ball is in his court, but you’d be shocked how many are telling her to chase him again, even suggesting she give him a list of dates to choose from.
This is an example of the red flags that get ignored. If he’s this much hard work before there are children involved, what on earth is he going to be like once there are?

found herself pregnant again

Was it random? An immaculate conception?

what a ridiculous, goady reply. No mention of her friend’s positivity and no suggestion that OP does not like her. Stop the nasty shit stirring