AIBU to feel envious of a friend’s much easier setup?

[bumblebeequeen12]

I know this is absolutely none of my business but it really aggravates me and I have to get it off my chest...and yes its an element of jealousy

I am a single parent to 2 dc so I'm on my own...no help from their Dad. He's not in the picture at all.
A friend of mine (also a single parent when we met) has her DC dad still around (lives nearby) he has the DC 50:50 sometimes she has them more do to his work as he can travel. He does not pay official maintenance but gives her half of all big costs. Like new clothes, uniform, big birthday presents, dental costs etc.
Takes them abroad on holiday.
Now in the last 4 years this friend has met a wonderful man, he has taken on the DC and they love him, they have bought a house together (they both earn well) as does her ex. So these dc are now being supported by 3 high earning adults.
Not only in monetary terms but he will do school drop collections, bring them to clubs etc. They are going on 4 holidays between being with their dad and mum.
I know IBU and I'm happy they are cared for but it just feels like punch in the stomach. My friend never had it as hard as me and she is aware of that but her life has just got so much easier and mine and my dc...well it just gets worse tbh. Talk me down please. And be kind.

There are so many threads here of
women clearly making the wrong choices, people saying ‘dont have a child
with that loser’ so no, it’s not always the men’s faults if there are unhappy children (though of course support should be paid/children should be taken care of by two parents, separate or together). So who knows if you made ‘the right choices’ or not. Also, this ‘everyone suffers in life even the ones who have it all’ is a poor excuse to make oneself feel better for one’s place in life. Whether she suffered or will suffer has absolutely no bearing on how good or bad your life is. She’s either a person you value (frankly I’d ask her how she’s done it given what you write) or one I’d want to move away from, as her happiness makes me seethe inside. Only you know which one you can do.

Everyone saying 'oh she is just luckier'.. it's not true. People make choices which affect their lives. Surely one of the most important choices you can make is who you share a life with and who you have children with!

The thing is, bad luck tends to breed bad luck.

You both split from the father of your children, unfortunately, yours decided to disappear off the face of the planet while hers turned out to be a good father.

As a result, she likely has significantly more free time than you do. Meaning that she got to go out and meet people, while you never got that opportunity. So she got to meet her second good man, while you didn't.

She's not done anything wrong, and neither have you. She's unlucky compared to some, and while you're in a shit position, there will be those out there who have is significantly worse.

It's hard not to compare, but there's really no benefit to it. The only thing anyone can do is just keep swimming, and try to keep your head above water.

Exactly.

When did he decide to duck out of his responsibilities?

Was it after DC1 or DC2 ?

Is her ex fit? Marry him?

Several things - she likely had time to meet the new guy because she had this easier set up, as well as being less stressed in general making it feel like a possibility for her. It is really hard solo to feel sexy let alone find time to date, or the inclination when you spend any free time sleeping!

Don't beat yourself up about it. Remember what men are actually like on the whole; while it is nice to have someone to do the heavy jobs, they also demand a lot of effort, especially if they aren't as good as they initially appear.

There will always be people who genuinely have things easier than us and also who have things tougher than us. Sometimes these are the same people at different times. Thats just how life is and it doesn’t mean it’s fair or easy. Focus on what you can control in your own life OP and set your own goals and work towards them. Sometimes these difficult feelings can serve to direct us towards what is really important in our own lives. If you are feeling unsupported maybe focus on building friendships or other relationships.

She knows how to pick the good ones. Some people have this skill and others really don't, unfortunately. I bet her father way a really good guy.

In years to come you will feel much stronger as a person for having been a single parent. Until then take good care of yourself and give yourself a pat on the back.

I live in a £1m house but my friend owns several properties worth around £10m and is set to inherit an insane amount on top of that.

Am I jealous? Absolutely not. I focus on my own situation and appreciate I’m luckier than most people out there.

It's not women's fault that men are terrible human beings (except for one half of their parents), but it IS women's fault that they choose these terrible human beings as fathers to their children - because every woman can freely choose who to procreate with. Why choose the worst ones?

I just don't buy it one bit that genuinely good men go from being wonderful, amazing, perfect partners one day to absolutely horrible, neglectful and useless ones the next day, out of the blue. There are usually signs there that women choose to ignore for one reason or another - and yes, that is a fault in women that should be highlighted. It seems like too many women just don't have any standards at all...which would be fine if it wasn't for the fact that they bring innocent children into their mess.

Perhaps you could reduce contact if she's annoying you so much?

Honestly if women totted up everything a man has done to them or others that are red flags about 80% would never date again. Maybe this is why the global birth rate is declining.
Men need to do better.

I would put a different spin on it and say you are actually the lucky one as you don’t need to miss your children 50% of the time. That is priceless.

you also don’t need to manage two men who both have an involvement on your life.

Yeah her set up might be easier, but you can only change your own life. Her life is irrelevant to yours, maybe for your own sanity you should just cut this friendship out of your life if its not good for your mental health.

Oftentimes, our lives are the products of our own poor choices.
Mine certainly is: 2 DC with a deadbeat who already had 4 DC. They rarely see him and he doesn't provide.
That's on me, no-one.
Luckily, I've had the sense not to date anyone since I left 8 years ago.
Maybe it's not a case of she's never had it as 'hard' as you, but that she has made better choices than people like you or me.
I'm a realist and know that my life is how it is because of me. That way, I don't feel jealous of others for their set ups (the only thing I ever tend to envy is really shiny, blonde hair! 😅).

Ask her what she looks for in partners and make similar choices.

I know how you feel, on my own battling disability and DS. I'd feel really jealous too. Here's to manifesting hot, helpful, non toxic men! 🙏

YANBU

Some people just have much easier lives through pure luck and it’s difficult to not be envious.

You just have to accept that some people are luckier in life and focus on the positives of your own life.

There will be a lot of people who look at your life and are envious of it.

It may be she has higher self esteem and chooses men who treat her well whereas you ended up with a lout who ditched your children when you split.

If you truly want to keep her friendship then reign in the bitterness and accept your lives have gone in different directions. I am also a single parent, father not around, no family in this country. I chose to get on with life and not make it harder by comparing my life with someone elses as it really is the thief of joy. If you cannot be happy for how your friends life has progressed then rethink your part in the friendship.

focus on the positives in your life
you don’t have to hand over your children for 50% of their christmases and 50% of their holidays forever
you have a peaceful man-free life
you never know what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe this woman’s new man demands she cooks him dinner night and provide daily BJs when she falls in from work exhausted

It is usually identifiable though.

Not usually no.

I think we all feel envious from time to time.
I admit I am envious of a few of my friends. They were SP's and got 2 weekends (and one got a full week) child free a month. I have my kids and an OH, but I am the MAIN parent, only driver, only gardener and do most of the housework/cooking etc.
So I was jealous of their getting a break. Was this unreasonable? Probably.

But it happens.