AIBU to feel envious of a friend’s much easier setup?

[bumblebeequeen12]

I know this is absolutely none of my business but it really aggravates me and I have to get it off my chest...and yes its an element of jealousy

I am a single parent to 2 dc so I'm on my own...no help from their Dad. He's not in the picture at all.
A friend of mine (also a single parent when we met) has her DC dad still around (lives nearby) he has the DC 50:50 sometimes she has them more do to his work as he can travel. He does not pay official maintenance but gives her half of all big costs. Like new clothes, uniform, big birthday presents, dental costs etc.
Takes them abroad on holiday.
Now in the last 4 years this friend has met a wonderful man, he has taken on the DC and they love him, they have bought a house together (they both earn well) as does her ex. So these dc are now being supported by 3 high earning adults.
Not only in monetary terms but he will do school drop collections, bring them to clubs etc. They are going on 4 holidays between being with their dad and mum.
I know IBU and I'm happy they are cared for but it just feels like punch in the stomach. My friend never had it as hard as me and she is aware of that but her life has just got so much easier and mine and my dc...well it just gets worse tbh. Talk me down please. And be kind.

You won't get any noise from me. Based upon your post, I would be jealous.

That’s such a low bar - their father should be paying maintenance and half of all big costs. Your anger and energy shouldn’t be directed at her of course. It should be directed at your useless ex.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I could sit here and think @bumblebeequeen12has it so easy, just 2 dc, job, home.

Here I am with my disabled dc, few friends, no job, shifty council house etc. No maintenance. No break ever in the last 7 years. No family support.

Actually I think more like, my dc have done amazingly well considering they went through specialist schools. Now finishing college, did GCSE's, BTecs etc.
The few friends I have are amazing.
I will find another job.
I have a roof over our heads, and im working on the house...

Its all about perspective.

sometimes its generally meeting the right person or making sure you have the full profile of the person before getting together etc,

Why should he give maintenance if they have 50:50? Maybe she earns more than him?

Pause this friendship until you can be happy for her. I have a friend who is jealous of me and I'm really tired of how she can barely hide it! It's not a nice dynamic for a friendship and I have to bite my tongue instead of sharing nice little things about my life. If you're as bitter as you sound, it's unlikely she doesn't know already!

I understand where you are coming from. Life is hard for you.

But life is a long Journey, right now your in the trenches and she is sailing, it can turn in a matter of minutes.

Also all that glitters ain't always gold. We just never know whats going on in anyone's life.

It is still a thing, but there are way too many men who get away with working cash in hand as self employed. I see it quite often on my social media women shaming the dads after the child maintenance is calculated at a couple of £ even though we can all see that the ex is working. Even putting up posts in their work gear, of jobs done, boating about how many hours they put in and having a well deserved pint.

These same people (like my ex but he got out of paying for a different reason) were very generous while in the relationship, so the women had no reason to think they would do this if they split up.

Then you got the ones like my ex who moved abroad not long after the split. Couldn't have seen that 1 coming. He was very generous in our relationship. Spoilt me, then DD when she come along. Took over all the bills when I went on maternity. A stand up guy. But I had matures more than him, we were young having DD so grew apart. He then met someone with family abroad. Stopped the voluntary payments so I went through CMS. He then quit his job a year later after moaning constantly about what he is paying (probably working cash in hand but i dont know that for certain). A year later he moved abroad with her by her family. Raised her child as his own. Didnt get a penny off him since he quit his job a year previous, but I let him keep up contact. He got bored of that and stopped calling. All the while getting praise for being super dad to step daughter.

There are people now looking down on women with absent fathers to their children, thinking no way would that happen to them if they broke up. They think they have made all so superior choices in life. Well it isn't always that easy to predict

Envy is the thief of joy. Stop feeling resentful that your friend has a nice life. It's really not going to make your life any better. Those feelings will make it much worse. She is your friend. Be pleased for her not jealous, whist trying to prove your own situation

Your children's father should be helping you out, and yes YABU. she's obviously got better taste in men.

We never know everything that’s going on in a persons life though do we? Maybe she’s not really happy in her relationship? There’s a hundred reasons why people aren’t as happy as they may seem even if their lives should be ‘easier’ because of their quality of life or standard of living. This might just be her turn to be happy and your turn to struggle and things will flip around. You could meet an amazing man tomorrow who takes on your kids as his own. She could lose both of her men and be left with no support. Would you be happy then?

@bumblebeequeen12 theres no doubt that your situation is tough. Doing it all yourself is not easy.

Why lot look at it this way - no matter what there’s always someone better off than y u and someone worse off than you. All you can do is work with what you have.

And also realise you never truly know what is going on in someone else’s life. You obviously like this woman and enjoy spending time with her. So focus on her good points. Then while you are not with her, focus on the good points in your own life. A gratitude journal can really change how your brain works and make you more positive. Perhaps reach out to gingerbread the single parents charity for support.

Your feelings are natural. But there are probably people out there who envy you too. Perhaps even this friend

Comparison is the thief of all joy apparently. You should be happy for her even if you are struggling yourself. I know how you feel as have a friend in a similar situation. Que sera sera I guess.

Well, why can’t you be happy for a supposed friend even if you’re struggling yourself?

I am happy but it doesn’t mean we can’t demonstrate compassion for someone else who is finding it difficult.

First of all you are doing OK OP.
Lots of wise words have already been said but I’d like to add don’t drop a decent friend for no good reason. So you didn’t choose well first time but that’s done. What did you learn from this you can take forward? Where did your friend meet her guy? IF you would like a new boyfriend does he have any like minded friends?
Either way, what small step, achievable things can you add to your life to enhance it and add joy?
You are human to feel jealousy but use it as a signpost to what you now want to strive towards.

Life goes through phases of good and poor fortune.

Your issue is that you and your friend are currently misaligned on that front.

But good luck never stays, and neither does constant misfortune. You can only hope that when the tables turn, your friend will be happy for you and not wrapped up in her own envy.

It's just luck probably, pure and simple. But your luck could change too, right? If you won the lottery tomorrow how would she feel? How would you want her to feel? How would you feel if she came on Mumsnet and made a post about it? So yes YABU but I understand your frustrations. Are you dating? Can you meet someone else that could be supportive for you and your DC?

How is choice of partner pure luck? This is a really unhelpful and illogical take on OP's situation. Until she starts doing the work understanding her previous choices and why she made them then she is more likely to repeat negative patterns.

Some of us are extra picky. My ex and sons dad was a head teacher and in good standing with community. Highly Intelligent and popular in a nice way. Didn't drink unless we were out for an occasion, didn't have alcohol in house, never done drugs, never smoked, good money habits etc. On paper was fantastic. Great dad, did trips, always happy to watch while I went out evenings etc to classes, nothing was too much trouble.
Until child turned 4 and he decided he should now be back to getting just as much attention from me. He never lacked attention whatsoever but like many men he suddenly decided his balls overruled his head and walked out one day to have an affair with his secretary.
It was SO cliché I actually laughed when I found out.

Not sure what red flags I missed there but as every single one of his friends and family were utterly shocked I'm guessing we all missed them

This kind of story reminds me a bit of Traitors. If you watch all the series you realise that some people can spot traitors with a scary amount of accuracy. They must be excellent at picking up micro expressions and reading people in a way that others aren't. On the other end of the scale you have people that cannot identify the most obvious of traitors. They will claim that they were completely blindsided, there were no real signs and they don't know how other people identified them.

I have friends that have had partners like you describe that superficially tick every box but I have been very wary of. I know it sounds ridiculous but their 'vibe' is off, even though they aren't doing anything wrong. I would never admit to them that I thought this, even after the relationship ended. It would feel a bit like I'm trying to gloat or make them feel stupid for missing something when I don't think they've been stupid at all. So I would be the sympathetic friend agreeing with you that there was absolutely no way of knowing.... I'm not saying this is the case in your specific situation but it happens a lot more than people admit. You want to support your friend and it's hard to do this whilst saying you had bad vibes all along.

I don't buy it. I've known enough deadbeat dads (including my own) to know they were poor choices to begin with, they didn't have huge personality changes. People are who they are 🤷

Of course it's not luck, you don't get assigned a mate in a draw!! It's your own choices.