AIBU to feel envious of a friend’s much easier setup?

[bumblebeequeen12]

I know this is absolutely none of my business but it really aggravates me and I have to get it off my chest...and yes its an element of jealousy

I am a single parent to 2 dc so I'm on my own...no help from their Dad. He's not in the picture at all.
A friend of mine (also a single parent when we met) has her DC dad still around (lives nearby) he has the DC 50:50 sometimes she has them more do to his work as he can travel. He does not pay official maintenance but gives her half of all big costs. Like new clothes, uniform, big birthday presents, dental costs etc.
Takes them abroad on holiday.
Now in the last 4 years this friend has met a wonderful man, he has taken on the DC and they love him, they have bought a house together (they both earn well) as does her ex. So these dc are now being supported by 3 high earning adults.
Not only in monetary terms but he will do school drop collections, bring them to clubs etc. They are going on 4 holidays between being with their dad and mum.
I know IBU and I'm happy they are cared for but it just feels like punch in the stomach. My friend never had it as hard as me and she is aware of that but her life has just got so much easier and mine and my dc...well it just gets worse tbh. Talk me down please. And be kind.

Agree with this. I found being a single parent easier than being on a relationship ... much easier to make decisions on your own. This article resonated with me, I think there's a lot of truth in it. https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-single/201906/single-moms-less-housework-more-leisure-than-married-moms

In the long-run, I'm glad I didn't involve another man in my child's life whilst they were still at home. Blended families can end up with all sorts of issues, and kids could resent it when they get older.

Very glad not to have had 50/50 custody and ended up having a lovely relationship with DS as a result.

OP, I know it can feel relentless now but it will get easier. What I'm trying to say is that your set-up may prove the best in the long-run even though it doesn't feel like it right now. But having been through this myself, it did work out for the best, and I have seen blended families implode (not that I wish that for your friend). Take the long view! And if you have helpful family members like a supportive mum, let them help you.

Yanbu but saying that you’re doing/ have done great, don’t forget that. X

Ah, it is. I was always advised (by my parents) to look at a man's own upbringing to get a sense of their value system. My parents also would tell me things like, "the more different a partner's upbringing was to yours, the more potential conflict in the future."
You can never be sure you're not marrying an arse but there are safety checks,

Good. What are women really gaining from men in relationships these day?

Also, men won't ever step up as long as there are women that will allow them to get away with doing less than the bare minimum. These men have absolutely no incentive to step up.

she hasn’t done anything wrong. But she did strike luck to find two good men who will support her and her dc. Do men usually fawn over her?

I know I'm going to come off mean, but jealousy will get you know where. I say this as the one in my friend group that hasn't got it sorted 😂 don't own my own house, coz of stupid choice I have made in the past . It's really not on anyone else. I'm a single mother, lucky enough that my kids dad is amazing. Only you can turn it around. Comparison is the thief of joy as they say. You will also probably find they have their own struggles. No one's life is perfect no matter how much it may seem.

Ah op there's a world of difference between being a lone parent and being a single parent isn't there.

But realistically everything is a trade off. I'm a lone parent and my sister was a single parent, now happily marrying a nice guy.

I used to get jealous of her social life/ her down time/ her exes involvement/ the fact she had the option to date at all. But equally I know I'd have been devastated to only be parenting my son half the week. This isn't what I signed up for, but neither is that.

I think your feelings are very valid, there's a certain type of loneliness when you always need to be strong and be OK and when you're resilient and cope well people don't offer support as much because they assume you're fine. Yes I am fine, but being fine is also exhausting.

Do you have any other lone parent friends who get it? Comparison is the thief of joy so looking at her life you'll only see the good bits. You're not seeing when she needs to clean her fellas skids off the toilet or their rows or how much she misses her kids when they aren't with her. We never really know what's going on behind closed doors. But equally it's completely valid and reasonable to want a happy, equal, respectful relationship for yourself because you do deserve that. And it can really suck watching what looks like what you want when it's hard to find.

I wouldn't pull back from her, lone parents especially need their friends. Unless she's being deliberately braggy about it. But I would recommend finding ways to invest in yourself.

We are the consequences of our own choices, to an extent.

She clearly has good taste in men.

Let her vet any future boyfriends you have. Maybe she can eye out a man with a comfortable salary for you?

Or you can focus on bringing joy into your life in ways that don’t rely on having a partner?

When my stepdad entered the picture I’m sure people thought my mum had struck gold. I don’t talk to her now. That man was shoehorned into my life and our relationship (not due to this but it was a factor) never recovered. You don’t always see what goes on beyond closed doors and how the children feel.

I think you are focusing on the wrong people. They are just doing what they should do. It is the dad of your children who is not doing what he should that is the person who deserves the negative feelings.

Had to reply to your post as I feel that I’m looked at in the same way your friend is, what I’d say is that my eldest 3 kids dad didn’t see them at all for a few years and it was extremely hard/unfair so I completely get where you’re coming from, I met someone else, we had a child together then the big kids dad came back into their lives and is very dedicated and all 4 kids have 3 really supportive adults running around after them.
Although things did turn around for us and people still comment on how supportive both dads are I’ve never forgotten what a struggle it was when he just disappeared and I’m very much aware of friends/ acquaintances going through a similar thing, I’m mindful of it and I’ll often organise one of the dads to help friends out (they’re happy to do this as I bang on constantly about how difficult it is for single parents).
what I would say is that things do change, kids get older, opportunities come, but being left high and dry by your children’s father is genuinely PTSD inducing and you do have to be really careful about the company you keep, try to surround yourself with people who are not oblivious to what you’re going through, empathetic, self aware people.
Best of luck to you and your children, things will turn around.

It’s only human to feel envious and healthy to recognise it too, not as many people would be as honest as you, so YANBU. I have felt the same at times in the past. My young DS (4) recently said to me “I don’t like it when people have nicer things than me” which made me laugh as kids can be so refreshingly honest.

It’s not about ‘luck’ she had a child with a decent bloke but it didn’t work out…she’s now with another decent man.

You had a child with an idiot then went on to have a second child with said idiot.

That’s on you. This woman has done nothing wrong.

You are entitled to feel how you feel and on the face of it, it seems unfair that some people have things easy and some have a permanent struggle. It doesn’t change anything though. The only thing that can change is your mindset, unless you change jobs or get a promotion, or win the lottery.

It always makes me think, when I hear about billionaires, how just a tiny fraction of their money could improve the lives of huge numbers of people. But of course, I don’t know whether they use some of their wealth to benefit others.

The flip side of that is to think about how much better off you are than someone living in abject poverty or on the street. It’s all relative, I suppose.

It’s human nature to want nice things and to be able to spend money on luxuries and live in a lovely house. There’s a wide range within that though, depending on what people aspire to. I look askance at people on some threads who think nothing of spending several hundred pounds on an item of clothing or shoes or a handbag.

Try to find some acceptance OP, if you want to stay friendly with this person. There may be plenty you don’t know about her situation.

Sounds like your friend made good choices when picking a partner to have a child with and then subsequently.

That's mean.

OP, its just luck - and maybe to some degree she is better at picking people to be with.

What?? The woman has done literally nothing, has not wronged op in any way. But yeah, just ditch her, why not. Nice.

Hi OP, I know where you’re coming from, I’m a single parent and don’t have involvement or any support from my DD’s dad.
It can be annoying as your friend is classed as a single parent too but has so much support!
I had a ‘party’ friend when I was younger, since becoming a mum we don’t really keep in as much contact. He has a friend who is a single parent, her ex husband has the kids every weekend and she goes out socially, dates a lot etc. I always feel like my friend uses her as an example ‘well she comes out and she’s a single parent’ I just try to think even if I could I don’t think I would want to do that at weekends anymore! I like spending time with my daughter, I like we can spend every weekend together.
Extra annoying as when were younger this girl always used to ask me when I was going to find a boyfriend and that my biological clock was ticking and she used to brag about how long she’d been with her husband. We had kids around the same time so I wasn’t that far behind her! Also I secretly think I’m glad I dated and went out before I had kids and she’s doing it the other way around 🫣

I think there are some harsh posts on here OP and whilst we can’t know for sure, I suspect many of them are not living in a situation like yours, from where is very easy to trot out the ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ type statements.

I have 2 DC with v little contact and no maintenance from their Dad and it’s brutal. It’s made harder when you see lovely people who have what you would like. I don’t think that’s being bitter or being entitled. It’s just normal human nature and it’s ok to feel that way. You aren’t wishing her any ill- just you an easier life. Yes she may have made better choices of partners but that’s in the past. You are where you are now and it’s difficult to stand by and feel like a 24/7 Pollyanna about it.

It’s only not ok if it starts adversely affecting you and your life. Your life is hard enough as it is. In your shoes I would perhaps see her slightly less - not break off the friendship but just so it’s not in your face quite so often.

In the mean time think about small things that you are a) grateful for in your own life and b) what small steps you could take to feel better about your current situation. Can you think about what that might look like?

For example you may not feel ready to date just yet (that’s a very personal thing and I have only recently started) but trying new things - like a new exercise class, a book club, trying in increase your friendship circle , a choir or whatever that could lift you in other ways? I know it’s hard if they are young but I joined a choir and my childless friend babysat for a couple of hours a week. It was joyous and was my once a week escape. I met someone there who is now one of my closest friends.

Can you think of anything that would bring you some alternative joy in your life if it’s not dating?

Is contacting the child support agency to get absent fathers to pay up no.longer a thing? I know they are far far from being as good and as effective as the should be.

Or are a lot of women posting her with children from jack the lad cash in hand self employed cowboys?

Not unreasonable to feel envious at all. Really, all sets ups should be like your friend has, but (if MN is to be credited) it seems to be vanishingly rare to find an amicable and equitable co-parenting set-up these days. Try not to let it eat you up as so many mothers are in your shoes and making the best of it.

I think you’re being really unkind.

sometimes jealousy takes over and you can’t help how you feel and react.

the op has acknowledged she is jealous so the least you can do is be kind and not beat her with a stick.

This. You’re imploring us to “be kind”, but where is your kindness to your supposed friend? You not only can’t be happy for her, but you take it as a personal affront that you haven’t got what she’s got.

It’s depressing to think anyone would consider a friend’s happiness “a punch in the stomach”.

Whenever I feel envy toward a friend, I remind myself "I know how bad my _ situation is and how hard it is for countless others. Isn't it a relief that at least this person I care about doesn't have to deal with that as well?"