AIBU to feel shocked my 23-year-old daughter is marrying?

[SlothsRUs]

My 23 year old daughter has just announced that she is getting married next year.

I am completely shocked.

Surely it’s not normal anymore to marry that early.

I tried to be joyous and congratulate her but would you be happy?

I want to know why she wants to marry this young.

I know she is an adult and what she does is nothing to do with me but I am really shocked.

I think it's very sad if people view finding your life companion, marrying, establishing a home, bringing up children, providing for your family, working hard until you wind up your days of employment and move into a new chapter in retirement, enjoying your later life and then eventually leaving and passing the baton on to younger family members who will love, fondly remember and admire you for as long as they live as NOT any kind of success.

We can't all be internationally-famous Insta influencers, world-changers, captains of industry, WAGs or whatever you might deem 'special' enough... if that's not your own chosen path, absolutely fine; but to dismiss it as 'not successful' for the millions of others who did want exactly that is just bonkers.

I know exactly what you are saying. And i still think you are incorrect.
And nor did i come from wealth. Far from it.
But i do know that finding someone you love and respect is not to be sneered at, at any age. And finding it young can and is an absolute blessing in life.
People who think otherwise clearly didnt.

Provided he’s not a lot older than her, I think it’s fine. She’s educated, hopefully intends to continue working and doesn’t immediately plan on having children. Provided you think he’s kind to her and a decent chap then I wouldn’t worry.

I met DH aged 23 and we started going out at 24, together ever since, married at 30. One of the Mums at my DS’s school is from a naice middle class family and married her (same age, doctor) DH at 22 and had all her DC by 29. I’d say she’s the sensible one to be honest.

@SlothsRUs

OP, is it possible that you feel shocked in a way because your daughter had never had boyfriends in the past, something which you mentioned?

It doesn't sound unreasonable to imagine that she would have one or two relationships before settling down.

Did she have a wide social circle as a teenager?

I think there are two distinct schools of thought when it comes to marriage.

There are those of us who view it as finding that special 'other half' with whom you want to go through your life and make your joint plans, experience things and live your hopes and dreams together resolutely as a team, as well as being there to support and stand by each other when life doesn't go as you would have liked.

Then there are those who maybe see marriage as a necessary evil for financial security, especially if you want to have children, in exchange for your freedom and fun; or even just as a social way to 'dot the Is and cross the Ts' and have a big celebration... possibly more transactional, and a state where you still have two very distinct, independent lives, but you have to make constant compromises to make them work alongside each other and always look out for yourself as your priority.

With this in mind, it makes perfect sense that different people will have different standpoints on the wisdom or benefit (or otherwise) of people marrying at any particular age. I think the only important thing is that each adult of each individual couple has made the free choice to marry when (and whom) they want to; and obviously that nobody should ever be expected, coerced or pressurised to marry unless they personally feel ready.

Presuming, that her fiance is a decent chap, I think it is great and I would be happy if my daughter did the same. I wish I had got married at that age

I did not stop having fun after I married ... far from it!

I can understand this reaction OP. If you are Generation X and went to university, you typically married in your very late 20s to 30s. Couples typically rented together, bought a home together and then got married.

So given your dd has just finished her masters and is staying in education, I can understand why this would have blindsided you.

It does seem to be looking more common for couples to settle down younger. I don't know if it is social media driven, or if it is the realization that it is expensive to live as a single person, that is driving university educated couples to marry and buy homes in their early 20s.

My dd knows of several from her school who have got engaged at 23.

Can you tell me where you got these stats from please?

As someone who married at 21 and was divorced by 24, I’d argue it’s too young.
While some marriages that young last, my view is that at that age we are very young, not fully aware of who we really are and still changing. The risk is that you don’t change together and end up really not liking the person your husband or wife becomes.
While you can’t stop her, I understand entirely why you’re so worried.

Well, it was obviously too young for you; but one person's experience doesn't somehow make it objectively too young for everybody else.

My DGM married at 18, and she was married for 63 years, until my DGF died... but that doesn't 'prove' that marrying at 19 or older is too late for everybody!!

As I said in my post, in “my view” it is too young. I didn’t say I’d proved anything from my experience. The OP is asking for views. I gave her mine.

I got married at 23. Went out with him since I was 18.

Not my first BF or first longer term relationship. (Two timed two for a year!). He was two years above me at school and I had never seen anyone as handsome as him (still haven't), but I was too young when we met. Not 23 years old young - 16 years old young.

Realised at 18 that he was who I wanted (met him when I was 16), he's sitting in the garden with me now. We both retired at 60. Him in 2022, me in 2023.

We have two great sons, a great house, great friends, family and neighbours, have travelled, had good careers etc etc.

This thread is bonkers. 23 is too young?

DH and I (married in our 20s) did far more travelling and seeing the world after marriage than I did when I was single. We continued travelling after the children were born and lived abroad at one point.
We’ve both had successful careers and showed our children there’s a much bigger world out there.
It was fun to explore it (and still do) . Being married did not in any way limit us.

As for the boyfriends, I’d had 2 and DH 1 before we got together. Would you have preferred your daughter to have had more OP? Because that doesn’t make sense either. To me it says she is someone who chooses carefully, which is a rare thing these days.

Maybe, but people don’t get to a certain age and stop changing! We’re all in a state of change.
Look at all the divorces which happen to couples in their 50s when they’ve put up with things till the children leave home. They’ve changed and realised they have nothing in common. It’s far harder to untangle yourself from that mess!

Yes I have quite a few friends who have divorce as soon as kids independent. Pretty commonplace amongst my age group ( mid 50s)

Many of them were 30idd when marrying

I was younger than this when I got married, but there were practical reasons for it. Basically, because we are different nationalities we couldn't live on the same continent unless we were married. Looking back, I was very young, but thankfully it worked out. I know I have changed a lot since then so I do feel lucky.

I voted that you were NBU, because my daughter is 24 and I would also be shocked if she told me she was getting married. It is very young, and the brain hasn't finished developing yet. But of course it's not your decision. All you can do is support her.

My husband was 20 when we got married 🤷‍♀️

What do you mean surley its not normal any more? What the hell? 😂 ehat would you prefer she do spread her legs to any man she sees? Good on her for having some morals!

I'd say unless she's still living at home, having never worked of did any sort of training or further education, or has any sort of development issues... Then no, it's not strange at all! I went to a wedding recently where the bride and groom are both 22. They seemed young to me but that is because I am old.enough to be their mum. I am in my 40s.

I married at 23 and am still with my husband. I am sure we seemed young to our families and those attending our wedding but we were mature and life experienced enough to know we were doing the right thing for the right reasons.

If she is happy and her fiance is good to her, be happy they found "their person" so early in life and be glad for them both.

I would think it’s too young too as so much to experience and grow but ultimately it’s her choice and you should support her

What is this idea that if you marry you cease to experience anything from theronin!?

They can experience stuff together and grow together - why might that be a problem?

I married at 22 and we had lots of fun together!

I get it's a hard one. I bought my first house with my ex-partner at 23, and broke up about 18 months later, so glad we didn't have the headache of a divorce too. On the other hand, my brother got married at 24 when his wife was 23. They've since bought a house and had a baby, and still seem very happy and stable. One thing I noticed when I graduated - the couples who had been together all of uni (or at least most of it) either broke up or got engaged around the point of graduation (this was my brother), because they were making a decision around moving to the same town/city together or not.

My daughter married age 20. Thry have just celebrated 30 years of a happy marriage. 🤷‍♀️

Whats the problem ? Obviously an adult. No need to be normal If she's and they are happy just go with and support their joy.