AIBU to feel shocked my 23-year-old daughter is marrying?

[SlothsRUs]

My 23 year old daughter has just announced that she is getting married next year.

I am completely shocked.

Surely it’s not normal anymore to marry that early.

I tried to be joyous and congratulate her but would you be happy?

I want to know why she wants to marry this young.

I know she is an adult and what she does is nothing to do with me but I am really shocked.

You’re from a totally different generation though. These days, fewer than 3% of people get married before 25.

I’m not saying that it’s right or wrong one way or the other, that’s down to opinion, but I don’t think you can argue that it isn’t highly unusual for this generation.

I'd love it if my daughter got married at 23, as long as her fiance was right for her.

Honestly I hope the apples fall far, far away.

Are you needing some attention?

I got married young. People definitely made comments about it. Thankfully I didn’t listen to them. I have been very happily married for a long time. We started with nothing and have built a nice life together.

What an odd comment. Are you hoping @Liberancho’s children marry their school boyfriend/girlfriends as soon as legally possible and live out the humdrum, early-settling lives she doesn’t want for them?

Amongst other reasons I already mentioned, I got married at 23 to have a life partner, to come with me - or support from afar - all those things you've mentioned.
I've travelled with my husband and alone since getting married. We've both done our masters since getting married. We've moved countries.
We did buy a house earlier than our peers, but I'm glad we did considering house prices now, and it hasn't tied us down. We rented is once when traveling, and we could sell it if we move.
The theme of this thread seems to be live your life before deciding on a partner which is not what I would want at all. I want a partner to live my life with.
Each to their own, but at 23 a woman can research the pros and cons and make an informed decision about how she wants to live. Just because it's different than the choice you would make doesn't mean she lacks ambition.

@SlothsRUs I think your unease comes from knowing very little of substance about him,apart from being told he apparently comes from a wealthy family and has a private income. What does he actually do?

Your daughter, meanwhile,doesn't yet have a job / career as she's still studying and so there's an immediate mismatch,financially if nothing else. It may all turn out to be as rosy as so many pp lives,but I think you're right to be concerned. 23 may be adult but it's still young in terms of life experience and judgment.

I married at 21. Marriage lasted 25 years. 23 is fine, she's a grown up. Why aren't you happy?

But you didn’t ditch him to take a job you were randomly offered on a film set in Mexico that required you to fly out within three days. You didn’t apply for a PhD in the US because what would he do? You didn’t go and live as a warden on an uninhabited island for a year because it would be interesting. You didn’t work 24/7 on some project that was more important than anything else. You didn’t choose to head to a different continent while travelling because you met some interesting people and decided to go to Bhutan with them instead.

Why do you need lots of money to get married? Or did you just want the " big wedding? "

After all you can get married for about £150 now. So 10 years ago down less

Right age for a starter marriage

@Differentforgirls I suppose I see it differently because my Mum died in my 20's and my Dad's unreliable (lifelong MH problems) so the idea of cutting off stable parents who are trying to share their knowledge of the legal implications of marriage seems bizarre to me. When you don't have any older family members on your side, it can be quite hard sometimes.

I think my DD feels the same way as a couple of her friends have parents who can't be relied on. She might tell me that she doesn't want to discuss something or say that she disagrees with me, but I don't think she'd ever cut me off, because she sees what life is like without loving, stable family members.

I would really sit down and think about what you are worrying about. I'm not saying it'll be a guaranteed success or that the relationship is bound to fail, and yes she is young for marriage age these days. But she'll be 24 by the time they get married, not 18 or 19, not aiming on children straight away, and it sounds like she has lived away and expereinced independence as an adult. Anyone going for a PhD is I assume intelligent and able to think critically and you'd imagine she'd be able to apply this to her own life decisions. Maybe it is as simple as she has met the right person for her and she is happy... I struggled to meet the right person and had several disappointments in my love life during 20s... As long as I felt the partner was a good match, I would be delighted if I felt my own daughter had met a future life partner at a reasonably young age/early 20s, if this meant she would be protected from some of this uncertainty and perhaps get established in life a bit easier. I do get that marrying young is likely to mean they have their own particular issues to work through, but a bonus seems to be they both sound grounded as well as financially secure, meaning to some extent they have had the luxury of being able to choose to make this decision a few years earlier than socially typical these days.

Your daughter has found a man she loves and whom you yourself describe as lovely. That's all any of us could hope for when it comes to our children's partners.
Suppose they had kids instead of a wedding? That's far more of a lifelong commitment (you can opt out of a marriage but not out of parenting).
Sure, talk to her about legal issues if you want to but make sure you don't rain on her parade.

I think you should stop with the negativity OP and start with the support. This grown woman has fallen in love with a decent man and they want to commit to each other. Give them your blessing and quit gripng!
What do you actually want for her? ... play the field, screw around, get more qualifications, do something to make you proud of her ... ?
None of this matters because it is her choice. Not yours.
It may work out, it may not, but being 23 will not be the deciding factor.
Give them your blessing and hope that all works out. There is no reason why it shouldn't.
The last thing they need is negative vibes at this moment of happiness for them.

I married at 22 and that was definitely young in our friendship group but we’ve been together 25 years (22 years married) and still very happy. Had dc late 20s so now are still young enough and enjoying being a couple. When you know you know.

No. People marrying later was a fad that more and more of the youth think was stupid. Going forward we'll end up with more and more people marrying younger.

It's the heat, isn't it. Another very bizarre response.

I married at 23, 10 years ago. My friend the same age got married 2 weeks before me. We have both recently celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary and each have 2 children together. Been with my husband for 15 years and we are very happy despite what life has thrown at us along the way.

We won’t, you know. The age of marriage is rising globally, apart from in developing countries where women have few opportunities or education, and even there it’s changing with better education. And for the same reasons — people are studying and getting themselves to a point in their careers and finances before marriage.

Why don't you dazzle us with your non-humdrum, non early settling life achievements 😂

Marrying in your late 30s and then having children after spending years shagging about and going on holidays while devoting your life to a company who doesn't really give a shit about you isn't really that big an achievement tbh

I didn’t get married til much later but I met my dh at 23 and what’s the difference really . I wouldn’t have an issue with one of my kids getting married at that age if they met someone nice .

Era so long as you dont mind when they cant be bothered with you later in life when they realise how wrong you are.

Why do you think all those things are better than being married and living a shared life with someone you love? If you do that's fine, but why can't you see that not everyone will agree? You talk like that poster has missed out on all those things and it's a tragedy. Even if you've trawled through her previous threads and those are examples from her life, why do you think that choosing to remain with her husband instead was some kind of massive sacrifice and she's lost out overall? Maybe she wanted to do all those things but wanted to be with her husband more, because he's a great person and married life suits her? Maybe she's lost nothing and gained everything.