AIBU to accept my parents' £1m+ gift when my sister gets nothing

[ForEagerRobin]

My parents have recently told me they want to gift me assets worth just over £1m while they're still alive. It's a mixture of investments, funds and cash.

The problem is they don't intend to give my sister anything.

My sister is absolutely furious and says I should refuse the money unless they split everything equally between us.
For context, we had a very happy childhood. Our parents were loving, supportive and provided us with every opportunity. There was no obvious favouritism.

As adults, however, our relationships with them have been very different. I see them every week, help them with shopping, appointments, paperwork and generally make sure they're OK. They're in their late 70s and increasingly need support.

My sister has never really made much effort. She can go months without seeing them. A recent example was when they needed a lift to the airport. She was free and lived closest but simply couldn't be bothered. Another relative ended up taking them.

My parents are very hurt by this and have told me repeatedly that their decision is based on years of feeling ignored by her.
The thing is, I don't actually feel responsible for their decision. It's their money. They're mentally capable, fully understand what they're doing and have made their views clear.

My sister says that may be true, but by accepting the money I'm endorsing their behaviour and choosing money over my relationship with her.

My response was that turning down £1m doesn't magically mean she gets it. It simply means none of us do.

She says a decent sister would refuse it on principle.

DH thinks that's easy to say when she's asking me to sacrifice something that could transform our children's futures.

So AIBU for thinking this isn't my decision to make, and that refusing the money out of "solidarity" would be completely irrational and stupid.

I care for my sister but she has thrown away her life by herself. We came from very good backgrounds with potential, she chose to waste that. I am now in my 40s, I live a very modest life, DH is an engineer, I work for civil service I’ve been in the civil service for almost 20 years so I have worked my way up. I am not a luxury type of person, DH and I share a car, it’s over 10 years old we bought it brand new XC90 it does the job very well, our children are at private school but it’s not eton it’s very affordable and does the job too. They’re doing very well at school, we go on 3 holidays a year, we invest for them each year we save from them a certain amount tax free and my parents top that for them. They do the same for my sisters children. My sister has no bothered to do anything for her children. All the savings they have is from our parents which is quite sad. What kind of parent has children when they can’t save for their futures. She has a new car all the time, lives wayy above her means yet nothing to show for it just new things all the time. Conspicuous consumption. She is pushing 50 and has wasted her potential now wants to cry to me. We are both oxbridge educated, went to very good private schools, the world was our oyster.

You’re right maybe not the best example. What I’m trying to say is that my school was not in the rankings, it was not producing Nobel Prize winners or the next PM etc just bog standard people who happen to have attended a fee paying school.

This is all great @ForEagerRobin but what we really need to know about is how you stormed your way into ‘Oxbridge.’ How did you go about applying ? Did you go to the same college as your ancestors? Did your Dad pay a donation to get you a place? Why did you choose Maths? There’s so much we need to know . …
How did you cope with the work while you were there?

I'm not sure how you always seem to manage to miss the point in your lengthy diatribe replies. For what it's worth, all three of mine went to non-selective independent primaries and selective independent senior schools. I couldn't give the smallest what you chose for yours, although I thought your comment about not having children unless you knew you could afford private school was completely tone deaf and ridiculous.

That said, my only point was that Eton and JAGS are not remotely similar except in that they are both selective schools.

It surely won't be nice for the grandkids either watching their cousins living the high life.

Ridiculous. You couldn’t but a sister is vilified and disinherited. Bonkers stuff.

That’s understandable. I see them as both high ranking schools but I am stupid and will always miss the point

Personally I don’t think it’s just about the airport trip however I think there’s many reasons (not saying he is right in his actions) for instance our father being ill and her not visiting or even calling then asking for money once he was out of hospital might have played a part in his decision making. Again I do not know all of what has happened and there’s 4 sides to this anyway. Each of us will have a different view and perspective.

I fear the reality is much less exciting.

No donation and no dramatic tale of intellectual brilliance and sadly no ancient portrait of my great grandfather. I applied, got in, got a degree that was nowhere near a First or 2:1 and I was happy.

As for coping with the workload, I suspect "variable" would be the diplomatic term. I spent my time proving that admissions mistakes do occasionally happen.

It is a rather underwhelming story for everyone involved.

But you got into oxbridge? So you must have done very well at school to get the grades. Getting in at all is an achievement, why do you think it is “underwhelming”

how many people in your year got in?

I went to a comprehensive. I do not even know what JAGS is.

I think out of 250 kids in my gcse year, about 60 stayed on for 6th form, and maybe one got into Oxbridge. It was considered unachievable except for the absolute brightest. Probably more to do with the teaching than the intelligence of the kids.

it shows your privilege that you can choose between state or private without even having to consider the cost. Most people don’t even have the option of considering private.

even a “basic” private school usually has more to offer than a comp- smaller class sizes, better facilities, extra curriculars etc. that and the children aren’t coming from a mix of background, they self select for those who can pay, so they will more than likely have educated parents who earn well. Like you in fact.

you didn’t go to state school. You cannot compare to even the most “basic” private.

OP, again, it is fine to use any school you want for your kids. You don't need to justify it.

But ... again ... you must surely realise that this is the internet and that most people on MN will not be using independent schools. The more you try to justify your use of them - "Oh but it's not Eton... They cried at the local state school... etc etc," the more you are going to get people's backs up. Obviously! What do you think most people do when their kids are crying, or being bullied, or not fitting in, or not understood by teachers in their school? They just have to push through because paying school fees is not an option!

As I said, my kids are in independent schools since reception - they ended up in day schools not unlike JAGS - but I'm not going to come on here trying to justify or garner sympathy for this decision from people for whom private schools are not an option. The more you say, the more you sound out of touch.

And of course you can make statements to like - "I would never have had children if I couldn't have afforded private education," because if you couldn't have paid, your DF would have!

Most people in independent schools now are from immigrant families who value education above all else - especially if they're paying for it. I've never come across the blithe attitude you seem to have. My DC never met anyone at Cambridge who just went through the motions, 'because it's what you do,' - nor would any of them have been happy with less than a 2:1. They all try hard and want to do their place there justice. I just can't relate to your attitude at all.

Also, implying that you swanned into Cambridge for Maths on the basis your ancestors went there, is also going to grate. My DD has friends now doing the STEP exams, with all 9s at GCSE and 4 or 5 A stars predicted at A-level and with a conditional offer for Maths secured, yet they know full well that Cambridge only take the top 50% of conditional offers after the STEP exam. Admission is brutal. And Cambridge Maths is not a course you can blag your way through. I know of a young person who got the highest Maths A-level mark in the U.K and was considered a prodigy through school, but his academic performance fell apart on the Cambridge maths tripos. Nobody gives a hoot whose parents went there and this kind of malarkey any more. You just have to keep up and that's all anyone cares about.

I don't think we're actually disagreeing.

I never said I got into either universities because my father, grandfather or great-grandfather attended nor do I believe that's how admissions worked when I applied.

I went through the same application process as everyone else and had to meet the same academic requirements, I had tutors I had all the help I needed. At that age I just did not care for it, it’s just what I had to do and what was expected of me by my father especially.

The only reason I mentioned my family's connection to the universities was because several posters suggested that it might explain my admission. Equally, others suggested it was because of my school which I said was bog standard I do not think they saw my school and thought “yeah prodigy next noble prize winner” I was simply acknowledging the suggestions being made not endorsing them. I just don’t see any point arguing over my intelligence. I’m not intelligent never claimed to be.

I am well aware that admission is competitive and that the course is demanding. That's precisely why I find it amusing that some seem determined to explain my place by anything other than the fact that I met the entry requirements at the time.

As I've said before, I wasn't an academic superstar, I never once cared about my academics it’s just what I had to do to get my father off my back. I wasn't top of my year, I didn't graduate with a First, and I certainly wasn't a prodigy or ever going to amount or anything special or important. I was just an ordinary student who applied, got in, completed the course, and then got on with life. For me what mattered was my social life and sports, that’s where I met my friends for life.

Well fair enough I guess OP.

But you are still missing the fact that even the brightest and best from my school, the ones who got As despite 32 in a class and no tutor and having their homework (or their head) flushed down the toilet on a regular basis for actually bothering to do the homework, didn't get into Oxbridge because the overwhelming majority of the intake at the time did go to your sort of school.

Your sort of school knew about the application process and the requirements and could help guide you and your cohort through that. When the very best of my year very tentatively voiced the idea of possibily apply for Oxford the head of 6th form, the man in charge of guiding us through the process of applying for university, shrugged and said 'you are probably a bit late to thinking about applying now'.

“Ordinary” students don’t just apply to Cambridge and get in.

you need to be a stellar student to get the grades and compete for a place.

oxford and Cambridge aren’t places you “just apply” to. You need to back up you application with the academics, interview etc.

you make it sound like you didn’t engage at school and somehow just coasted in. If you did in fact do that you must be fucking brilliant to get in with no effort, so that doesn’t match your “thick” persona…

Of your parents really don’t want to gift to your sister they should split her 50% between her children especially if your saying she has not saved them anything but you have for your children.

I think there’s a bit of misunderstanding here, so I’ll just clarify my own experience.
I never said I “coasted” into university but I met those requirements at the time.

Equally, I’ve never claimed to be particularly academic or a standout student. I had a tutor from ages 13-18, and I engaged with education largely because I was expected to and because I knew I would have to apply to university, no choice just what I had to do. That’s just how my schooling was structured.

Wanting to go to Oxford or Cambridge wasn’t something I independently set out to do. It was an expectation placed within my family context, and I worked within that framework.
Beyond that, I don’t think “smart” or “thick” really captures how admissions work. Plenty of students who are admitted are simply those who meet the criteria and perform well enough in the selection process at that point in time. That was my situation.

I’m not trying to present myself as anything other than that.

That's interesting in that I would say if there's one thing I think they're pretty good at is ferreting out which kids actually have a real interest in their subject. My two both applied on gap years, so already had their marks (4 A for one, and 3 A for the other). The one with a genuine passion got an offer (maths) and the one who really wanted to go to the US for university and didn't want to be pinned down to a subject, and only really applied because the school wanted them to, was interviewed but didn't. And I would say that the same roughly applies to most of their friends - the ones that were committed to really wanting to do the subject were the ones who got places, even sometimes with lower reqs.

But you have repeatedly said it was 'easy' to get in. In the 1990s only approximately 50 percent of UK based Oxbridge students were from state schools (a little under 50% at the start of the decade, a little over by the end) so 50% of the student body were drawn from the 10% or so that attended your type of school and the remaining 50% came from the 90% of children who went to state school. (I was going to say my type of school but no one from my grotty South London comprehensive was going to Oxbridge in the 90s).

Hah. That was meant to be A * , but I guess that changes it to bold

Op I have cousins like this who do could do similar and say one DC didn't call etc or life worked out.

Actually it's an awful toxic narc situation where both DC lives very different lives with one as the golden child and one not.

Fair enough not sure what you’d like me to say. I met the requirements did not overachieve and that was that.

This is the issue though.

getting into Cambridge automatically makes you a “standout” “academic” student.

Cambridge does not accept “ordinary”. It’s a top university, which only takes the best of the best from around the world.

to get into Cambridge you are pretty much defined as an overachiever. As in you’ve achieved way more than most of the population. 16% of applicants are accepted, and less than 0.01% of the Uk population has a maths degree from Cambridge.

it’s an “exceptionally rare” academic achievement according to google.

so that’s hardly an “ordinary” achievement is it? So why are you insisting it is?

your “oh I just applied and got in” rhetoric does not ring true.

Because you're engaging in emotional blackmail after I didn't change my mind because you wanted me to. I explained the outcome of not saving for children's futures with very detailed explanations on the difference between my peers who got a bit of a helping hand to get going and didn't. You think that's irrelevant because if you make a child wonderful enough they can do it all on their own. No they can't. I've explained why they can't to you and you wheeled out the emotional blackmail instead of just either leaving it or admitting I have a point.

I am literally seeing the differences daily in my colleagues and friends. It's not imagined. It's true. If you've decided that's not important to you and the here and now is all that matters, fine. Just own it. You don't need to keep posting more and more emotionally charged reasons you don't save, when you have the means to, to convince me I'm wrong. This is my opinion, formed on seeing evidence everyday. You don't like it because you think your way is better and for some reason your reaction to that is try guilting me into saying sorry you're totally right what I've seen doesn't matter anymore. You seem desperate for me to either change my mind or approve of your parenting decisions which is weird because I'm a stranger to you so why do you care so much?

I'm telling you facts. Facts don't change because they upset people. Your daughter will be at a disadvantage of you don't save for her future, the fact that you live what sounds to me like a comfortable middle class lifestyle and still choose not to slice 20 quid a month off something really blows my mind. It honestly shocks me and I'll never agree with it, knowing what the end result of that decision is. Even the most brilliant entrepreneur in the world can't start a business without any money to get going. Starting an adult life is the same.

You won't change my mind so stop trying. It's awful that your daughter is ill, but you want her to have a good future as I do because I want that for every child. I hope it comes to fruition I really do, I just don't think you're making the right choice by choosing not to save for it.

I think we’re probably just using different definitions of “achievement” here.
I fully accept Cambridge & Oxford are academically selective, and I met the requirements and was offered a place, just like everyone else who gets in does.

What I’m saying is more about how it felt for me personally at the end of the day this was MY experience, and how it was viewed in my own family. It wasn’t treated as something extraordinary or defining it was simply the next step, and then you moved on with life. I did not achieve anything special I was no where near the top of my cohort.

I’m not trying to diminish Cambridge/Oxford or the admissions process. I can only speak to my own experience of it, which didn’t feel like some exceptional personal milestone, even if others would see it that way.

Both things can be true at once: they can be a highly selective institutions, and still not feel like a life-defining achievement to the individual going through.