AIBU to accept my parents' £1m+ gift when my sister gets nothing

[ForEagerRobin]

My parents have recently told me they want to gift me assets worth just over £1m while they're still alive. It's a mixture of investments, funds and cash.

The problem is they don't intend to give my sister anything.

My sister is absolutely furious and says I should refuse the money unless they split everything equally between us.
For context, we had a very happy childhood. Our parents were loving, supportive and provided us with every opportunity. There was no obvious favouritism.

As adults, however, our relationships with them have been very different. I see them every week, help them with shopping, appointments, paperwork and generally make sure they're OK. They're in their late 70s and increasingly need support.

My sister has never really made much effort. She can go months without seeing them. A recent example was when they needed a lift to the airport. She was free and lived closest but simply couldn't be bothered. Another relative ended up taking them.

My parents are very hurt by this and have told me repeatedly that their decision is based on years of feeling ignored by her.
The thing is, I don't actually feel responsible for their decision. It's their money. They're mentally capable, fully understand what they're doing and have made their views clear.

My sister says that may be true, but by accepting the money I'm endorsing their behaviour and choosing money over my relationship with her.

My response was that turning down £1m doesn't magically mean she gets it. It simply means none of us do.

She says a decent sister would refuse it on principle.

DH thinks that's easy to say when she's asking me to sacrifice something that could transform our children's futures.

So AIBU for thinking this isn't my decision to make, and that refusing the money out of "solidarity" would be completely irrational and stupid.

I care for my sister but she has thrown away her life by herself. We came from very good backgrounds with potential, she chose to waste that. I am now in my 40s, I live a very modest life, DH is an engineer, I work for civil service I’ve been in the civil service for almost 20 years so I have worked my way up. I am not a luxury type of person, DH and I share a car, it’s over 10 years old we bought it brand new XC90 it does the job very well, our children are at private school but it’s not eton it’s very affordable and does the job too. They’re doing very well at school, we go on 3 holidays a year, we invest for them each year we save from them a certain amount tax free and my parents top that for them. They do the same for my sisters children. My sister has no bothered to do anything for her children. All the savings they have is from our parents which is quite sad. What kind of parent has children when they can’t save for their futures. She has a new car all the time, lives wayy above her means yet nothing to show for it just new things all the time. Conspicuous consumption. She is pushing 50 and has wasted her potential now wants to cry to me. We are both oxbridge educated, went to very good private schools, the world was our oyster.

Oh my god. This so not what i m
trying to explain to you. Yes to education yes to driving licence and opportunities to the best of you ability but no hell no looking for your friends to get them a job or giving them a flat or money for a deposit.

my kids will save and scrimpmas we did. Only then maybe we give them something. We both come from
privilege background yet nothing was handed to us.
my children will have a cherry on the cake if the projections are going to plan, they may not, but your kids are going to get it no matter what. We will forever prioritise the present in terms of educating and opportunities for our girls, the future will be any assets thats leftover upon our death will be divided equally. In todays term, it is even more NECESSARY to give your children resilience to go without in my (very) humble opinion

that s what i meant by having everything handed to them.

@ForEagerRobin just wanted to add. When you spend your money in the present to your kid (not talking about pensions etc) you are equipping them with the tools they need to become an adult. I want my kids to be great adults. If they get help
here and there because we can then great - cherry on the cake. But the cake for them is education, driving licence, travel opportunities - we dint take 3 holidays a year and we most probably earn more than you - and we both work seriously hard.

our kids want for nothing but they no how to be fucking grateful. And thats really important

I think there’s a bit of misunderstanding here about what I meant.

I’m not arguing against teaching kids resilience, or against education, effort, or learning to stand on their own two feet. That all makes sense and I agree that children benefit from not having everything handed to them. My children are still too young to go get a Saturday job but I had a Saturday job growing up, I had to do things around the house between ages of 8-13 to get pocket money I didn’t just get money. The money that was gifted to me at 25 within a trust was money within the family. It’s money I have still to this day it’s just invested and will most likely go towards my children or grandchildren if they choose to have children.

What I was pushing back on is the idea that helping your children later in life like supporting them with a deposit, a job opportunity through networks, or a bit of financial help if you can afford it is somehow automatically a negative or “no effort” upbringing. That’s not the same as removing resilience; it’s just what family support can look like in different forms. Different families have different form in how they want to raise their children.

I bought my first flat on my own, then DH and I bought a flat together then we bought a house then we bought the current house we are living in. We do work hard too.

I do believe plenty of people who are hardworking and well-adjusted still receive some help from parents, and it doesn’t cancel out their independence or character. Likewise, not everyone who doesn’t get that support lacks resilience it’s more complicated than either extreme.

I personally think there’s a lot more nuance to this. If my child comes to me in their 40s wanting help I will help them I’ll never turn my child away. I see it as I chose to have children most likely for own selfish reasons the desire to extend my family I guess but they never asked to be here. I’ve never been turned away by my parents granted I haven’t asked them for money in a very long time.

What is so awful about taking holidays every year if we can. We most likely live above our means but we aren’t in any debt so I don’t see any reason why we can’t take our children on holiday during their school breaks. They like it so DH and I make time to take them on trips. They’re learning lots about other countries, they’re very well educated on geography, the environment, history.

Last year they went abroad at Halloween, Christmas, Easter and summer holidays plus the school trips every trip we make sure they go to it’s a learning opportunity and an opportunity to have fun, learnt new things.

We don’t just sit at the beach a lot of these trips do end up being educational or they learn new skills they love skiing so we take them. My DHs parents live in the states we like to go see them, they come to see us too but it’s much easier for us as they’re elderly they don’t necessary like long haul flights.

We like to show our children the world I don’t see an issue with that they’re children still they’re innocent as of yet. I don’t even think they’re legally allowed to work. They do chores around the house ie helping unload the dishwasher. They don’t just get things done for them. I think so far they are grateful kids they understand the value of things I’m not going to limit them just to teach them a lesson.

As I’ve said they’re innocent, they’re well behaved kids everyone has great things to say about them so I think we are doing a good job so far but we aren’t perfect parents.

We know we will make mistakes but in the end we hope they’ll be equipped with everything they need to be well functioning adults. I want them to be better than me see more then and be open minded.

Talk shit about my mother all you like, the way she dragged herself out of poverty as a single mum was inspiring. The nest egg given to me that bought my car and driving lessons was saved by my mum. My mum bought a child into poverty which I do believe is wrong. People shouldn't have kids they can't provide for. But she did provide for me didn't she, she provided hobbies holidays and a nest egg for my future. Grandparents didn't have any money saved to give me, they literally lent me their pension. The savings my mother made to give me my nest egg and the difference my grandparents lending their pension to me made to my life and financial situation opened my eyes to how important it is to save for your children's future.

I opened my children an ISA each when they were born and set up a direct debit of £20 a month and so did my husband. We can't pull a house deposit or a car out of our arses so we obviously need to save up for those things. The beauty of saving for your children's future is that you have 18 years to do it which is a bloody long time. Small amounts in an ISA regularly with compound interest adds up to big sums of money. I can lose 20 quid down the back of the sofa, as can you by the sounds of all the money you spend on holidays and hobbies. My children's ISA forecast tells us that saving at the rate we do now (£40 a month) over 18 years plus interest from investing will result in £16k. When they get Christmas money/birthday money we give them half to spend and put half in their ISA. Add that on and it will be 20k per child. That will buy a cheap car, driving lessons and be a good strat on a house deposit that they can build on themselves. It's a helping hand to get them started and it's not something we could just whip out of our own savings and give to them. You're telling me you can't put 20 quid a month in an ISA with all the money you're spending on holidays and several hobbies? She could do one less "etc." hobby and have a nest egg when she's an adult! I'm sorry that she has an illness but unless you don't expect her to independently as an adult spending everything you have now and saving nothing for when she's older and will need it is irresponsible in my opinion. Of course if she will never live independently it's a different matter and irrelevant to the conversation we're having.

Ultimately, it would have been nice to do five hobbies a week and go on holiday every year as a child. Obviously. But I wouldn't trade the life I have now with any of my friends who's parents were a lot more loose with money. I am blessed in my beautiful home in the country, my financial security and freedom, my beautiful horses who i always dreamed of having and the ability to provide for my children. My friends went to Disneyland and so on but now are stuck in insecure housing, one was made homeless by her landlord, the other lives in a shoe box flat that she only just managed to buy at 33, she's a graduate for god's sake! She should be able to afford more on her wage! Which is actually more than mine! That's the difference being launched into adulthood makes! I understand the sacrifices my mum made and why she didn't spend all her money on a stellar childhood to then have a struggle to establish myself later on. She gave me a nice, happy childhood and the gift of a helping hand to launch.

Children have to live their adult lives a lot longer than they live their child hood. The whole point of being a parent is to set your child up for a good adult life.The get them to 18 then they can sort themselves out mentality on mumsnet is awful in my opinion. People are literally setting their kids up to struggle as young adults.

Last year they went abroad at Halloween, Christmas, Easter and summer holidays

The three holidays a year is suddenly four! I repeat when they lifestyle is referred to within your family as the poor relations how do you think your sister feels? Can you see that when this is presented as the minimum level expected that your sister will feel like a failure? She has made poor choices, she has recognised that but you claim you also made poor choices and here you are scrapping by on those 4 holidays a year. I repeat if it hadn't occurred to you that you actually live a very privileged life when there are people working multiple jobs to keep a roof over their kids has it occurred to you that your sister is being sent the message loud and clear that she is letting the side down, that she failed to live up to perfect Robin family standards? She probably feels utterly rubbish every time she has to face every one else's lovely lives, especially when they are described as modest. I would reduce contact with my family if they played favourites and made me feel like I was a waste of space.

You and your parents sound awful. Them for basically saying "I brought you into the world of my own free choice, if you don't help me you're nothing to me". I mean, they've all that money yet are prepared to expect their kids to help them instead of paying for support.

You for essentially saying you did OK and married well and anyone who doesn't shouldn't have kids. And because you seem to think because you have the time and resources to help your parents, you should be given everything.

My mum would never treat my siblings and I differently. And none of us would ever treat each other so poorly. Because we all love each other.

I see a lot of family fall outs working in care. It's sad. But this one is just awful.

How would you feel if one of your kids treated their sibling how you treat your sister? And could you imagine giving one a million whilst giving another nothing?

I’m surprised she’s still in contact. The hurt must be very deep.

Some people are horrible to their own family, maybe it’ll come back in some form.

3 is usually the standard we had an extra holiday last year. Each year things are different we don’t have a set target but 3 is just the standard we like to do. What’s wrong with us going on holiday if our children enjoy it

Did you intend the irony of stating that they're very well informed about the environment in the context of explaining that you take them on multiple ling haul flights a year including skiing (ski resorts are incredibly environmentally damaging - more and more so as natural snow becomes less and less reliable due to climate change - even without flying to get there).

How am I treating my sister I’m not treating my sister badly by wanting to take my children on holiday? I am curious what is so bad about that.

I will give her her fair share I’m just disappointed in my father. Granted all the fees from prep school through to university for her children my father has paid. If we were to add all of that up it would be more than this gift he wants to give me. I haven’t received any of this cash/investments yet therefore I can’t give her any of it as of yet.

I find it strange that you couldn't understand my post tbh with your level of education. If you are such a brilliant parent with what sounds like great kids, could you imagine giving one of them a million whilst others nothing? And would you not be disappointed that one of them could treat another callously?

For all your parents have done for you, for all that supposed education, it seems as though you have never learned basic empathy. How sad for you.

There’s a balance here. Yes skiing and flying have an environmental impact but so do countless everyday activities across society that I sometimes can’t even avoid and I personally don’t believe individuals are not operating on the same scale as big industrial emitters.

We still do our bit where we can recycling, avoiding food waste, being mindful but expecting “perfect” behaviour from a family while entire industries produce vastly larger emissions isn’t a fair comparison.

Caring about the environment and living a normal life aren’t mutually exclusive and one doesn’t cancel out the other.

My children thoroughly enjoy skiing and we will continue to take them. They love it so much they go with school as well. If there was an option of just one holiday a year they’d pick skiing any day. They can still care for the environment and go skiing they can help in other. We are family of 4 we aren’t the major industrial emitters. Let’s just agree to disagree on this one

Nothing is wrong with going on holiday. But can you not see that there is potentially a problem for a sibling that doesn't have that lifestyle being told that a 3 or 4 holiday a year life is living modestly? Every time your family 'joke' about you being poor they are telling your sister she is beneath poor. That poor is so far beyond her that she is below comprehension. The whole lot of you sound ghastly- not because you can afford lots of holidays but because you seem to regard anyone who can't do the same as the undeserving poor.

One of my siblings holidays multiple times a year and I don't but I'm not made to feel inferior because of it. If I was I wouldn't be rushing to see them or anyone else in the family that shared that view. And I certainly wouldn't be volunteering to drive them off to the airport if it involves a lecture on how important it is for children to travel the world.

I never said I was smart I misunderstand things all the time and it certainly didn’t teach me empathy I’ll agree. I didn’t care for education at all as It was just expected of me. So let’s just agree that I’m thick and leave it like that. I don’t make decisions for my father this is his choice I’m in the middle. My children all have the same amount of savings and investments I’m not going to leave one dry that’s not me I’m not my father I think now it’s just assumptions being made.

Well, it sounds like you've made your decision. If you're happy to cut ties with your sister and won't feel bad in future years when your parents are long gone then crack on.

I'd probs tell them that I'm extremely grateful but also feel a bit bad about my sister in spite of everything. They surely realise that they're going to massively damage the relation between you and your sibling. Most parents wouldn't want that.

Gosh you are skilled in missing the point

That’s absolutely fair you’re entitled to your belief. I don’t think I’ve conveyed my ideas very well but I cannot decide what happens to my fathers money before I’ve received access to it. I also cannot control what my cousins say in regards to us being poor it’s just a running joke because I call them names too. I don’t think everyone should take their children on holiday what they do with their children is none of my business I do however think it’s good to be able to give your children something to start their lives with it doesn’t need to be thousands of pounds. Ie paying for their driving lessons or getting them their first car things of that sort too.

I was going to side with your sister but absolutely ignore him. She cannot come with her hands out now after not bothering with them for years.

It depends if you care about having a rift with your sister though.

I agree I never said I was skilled at not missing the point. People have said all these things I’m just agreeing with them. What would you like me to say anything I say will just be twisted. I said I studied mathematics someone said most people would say maths instead. I did think about saying maths but thought of they’ll just say people say mathematics. Regardless of what I say I’ll miss the point.

I do not think my parents care. They think she will just get over it

I’d be interested to hear the sister’s side. A lot of this sounds like extra justification for keeping the money.

4 sides to this story if I’m being honest. Mine, my sisters, my fathers and I guess the truth. Regardless of that I will give her a portion of it I’m not going to leave her out but for now I cannot do anything about it only my father can. It’s not as if I am receiving the money and the transfer of investments tomorrow there’s a process to this and my father is the one that is sorting it out with his advisor.

Without reading the full thread, my first instinct was that this is a last-ditch, punitive attempt to exert control over your sister from your parents. Could they be using their valuable assets as leverage to try and obtain practical help from your sister? It sounds as though their generosity is conditional; surely most parents would be intent on treating their children equally or at least equitably?

Without casting aspersions about your childhood, it is well-renowned that the experiences and perceptions golden children and scapegoats recount from their childhood and formative years can differ greatly. It is interesting that you have enlisted yourself as the primary help/caregiver, whilst your sister sees your parents every few months. She could have distanced herself for a myriad of reasons. I notice that you seem to judge your sister for particular choices she has made in life, whilst gloating about your own achievements. For some reason, I can picture your parents boasting about their golden child to anybody who will listen, whilst barely mentioning your sister.