He said he didn't want a meal then made himself something I don't eat

[Abbyarn]

DP went to the supermarket earlier to get us something for our tea. Beforehand, he repeatedly said he didn't want a meal today and just fancied a salad. Its 37 degrees here and he didn't want to add to the heat in the apartment by cooking.

I would've happily had something more substantial but took on board what he said about the heat indoors.

I said fair enough, I'll just have a cheese and pickle sandwich then if you're having salad.

Meal time comes, I have half of my sandwich (which was shit because the cheese was warm) then I go into the kitchen afterwards to see him cooking prawn stir fry, eggs on the side. A big wok full of food.

Wtf? I thought you didn't want a meal I said.. I changed my mind he said.

I said he could have called and said that and I'd have asked him to get me something else.

He said he only changed his mind once he was in the shop.

I hate prawns which he knows very well, so I wasn't going to eat any of it.

AIBU to be pissed off?

Is this a genuine problem? Man changes his mind about meal when he goes shopping? Is this worth all the heart searching? I’m old but in my day it would have just been part of the stuff of every day living - if I’d said I was happy with a sandwich, my DH would have thought I was happy with a sandwich. And if I wasn’t, I have the ability to nip to the shop.

Not everything is a crisis or a signal for a break up. Especially not a prawn stir fry that you didn’t even want.

I personally don't see the issue that he changed his mind. A bit thoughtless to not consider the context in which you made your sandwich decision, but it hardly makes him a cunt - unless this is just the thin end of the wedge of life with him.

Exactly this.

😂Yes!!

Cheeky fucker!

I think it’s just a stretch to assume if the person in the shop changed their mind that the person at home changed their mind too.
If I went to the shop to get chocolate for a movie, and DH said ‘get me a dairy milk’ and while there thought I fancy crisps instead I wouldn’t phone him to ask he he still wanted a dairy milk. It just wouldn’t have crossed my mind.
Perhaps he wasn’t aware OP was being a martyr and didn’t actually want a sandwich.

But he is not a mind-reader. If she said I will just have a sandwich then he will take that at face value. As someone else has posted there would have been plenty of other cold options to ask for or if desperate maybe she could have asked for a ready meal to heat in the microwave if wanting something more substantial.

Okay, you don’t like prawns, but couldn’t you have eaten some of the rest of the stir fry?

If only to impress upon him that cooking for one without offering is selfish.

So he cooked just for himself? How selfish. I only ever read about that on here . Did he not even think to make you some without any prawns? I would be so put off him for being so selfish

I’ve just made myself a jacket potatoe and I’m having it with a salad. DH has just eaten chicken and pasta, nothing weird or selfish about this.

Order a takeaway just for you.

We will do separate meals if we want something different (and having kids sometimes that will mean 4 different meals so everyone has something they want!)

Order a takeaway for yourself.

I think your chap missed the code and just took your words at face value. It could be a learning point for your relationship if you chat about it in an undefended way - ‘When you did X, this was the impact on me and this was the story that I was telling myself about what was going on…’

Also I think Prawn Opportunity should be a band name.

Yanbu.

The thing is that because he said he didn't want any cooking creating heat, you opted for a simple sandwich for supper. That wasn't your actual choice but you did it for him. Cooking for himself after that was a shit thing to do.

DP doesn't eat prawns. If I fancy a prawn stirfry we do the veg, noodles and sauce jn the big pan and I use a little frying pan to do some prawns separately and DP does something different (usually Goyozas)

Your DP is a shitstain @Abbyarn . Get rid.

I don’t see how this requires any mind reading at all. Simple ‘actually I’m going to use a cooker tonight, I’m thinking stir fry. Anything for you I should get?’ Would be enough. It’s a common courtesy really. She was having a sandwich to appease him and his idea of not adding the heat to the house. I would be fuming if my husband did this. But I know he wouldn’t.

But the OP had just told him she wanted a sandwich so why would he cook for her?! He did exactly what she asked.

But why couldn't she say well actually I am rather hungry so if you don't want to cook then that's fine, but I will cook for myself. Can you get me xyz please.

It seems silly to think he should read her mind. I would be annoyed if my partner questioned my choices and said you only want a sandwich (as if I said that is what I want, then that would be what I want!).

It sounds like poor communication on her part to not say what she wanted. Not sure why there is so much anger at her partner.

You know when people say if it wont matter in 5 years don’t spend more than 5 minutes thinking about it now? Made for completely minor irritations such as this. Nobody is perfect and completely selfless and thoughtful of others 100% of the time, my husband isn’t and I’m certainly not, let it goooo

I get it but I don't think this is entirely on him.

He told you beforehand that he only fancied a salad because of the heat, and based on that you decided you did want to cook either, so went with a sandwich (Presuming he didn't say you also couldn't cook.)

He changed his mind - not unreasonable, in fact the shopper's perogative as the one who went to get what had me added for.

I suppose you could say he messed up by not giving you a quick call or text to ask if you'd like something different too. But he got what you wanted and if he changed his mind on what he was having because he likes prawns and you dont - so saw a perfect opportunity to have some - while you also got to eat what you asked for.

Lets be honrst it's probably reasonable he thought you didn't want to cook and wanted a sandwich, considering you said you didn't want to cook and wanted a sandwich.

And to be fair to you In 37-degree heat, it's hardly unusual for people to be a bit indecisive or irritable. I'd be mildly irritated at the lack of communication, but not furious.

But he didn't choose this until at the supermarket so as far as he is concerned she has chosen. He probably didn't even know til he got there and spotted the stir fry and prawns that he wanted that (there are plenty of times I don't know what I want til I go and have a look). Maybe they should have gone to the shop together or she should have gone alone instead and asked him what he wanted.

Also editing to add, he doesn't know she only said sandwich to appease him. Why should he need to second guess what she said and not be able to take it at face value. If someone says they want a sandwich would you then go on at them. She is a grown adult and should have spoken out and said she would cook for herself in that case and asked for what she wanted.

I mean there were other options other than a sandwich for a cold dinner. You didn’t have to settle for a sandwich, do want you next time rather than making a choice that you don’t want

He specifically said he didn't want the heat of cooking in their home. It would have been selfish and unkind to overrule him and insist on a cooked meal. OP clearly isn't a selfish and unkind person but DP clearly is

Jesus are people not allowed to err at all?? It’s one meal, on one day, these types of responses are insane

Who only have a sandwich if you’ve done loads of steps and are hungry? . You could have asked to DP to pick you up something tastier and more substantial

But why? Surely you would communicate with your partner and say, yes it's hot but actually I have done a lot of steps today/been working out and need something more.
It sounds like they lack any communication between them. Why should he have a greater say based on your response of she doesn't want to override him. He's not the boss of her!