My friend boyfriend beat her up

[Peaceofmind12]

My friend’s boyfriend of 2 month has beaten her up. She has a black eye and told me that he punched, kicked her and pulled her hair because of messages he found in her phone talking to a guy before they was together. He justified his behaviour because when they got together she told him the guy she was talking to before him was just a friend. Because she had lied he beat her up in her parents house while her toddler daughter and children siblings where in the house.

im worried about her. Hes moved into her house paying no rent, he expects her to cook and clean for him, he’s brought her new clothing that covers her and he doesn’t like her going out and checks all her messages. She has a two year old aswell and I’m worried for both of them. I’m concerned what he will do next as they are trying for a baby.

I find it so hard to sit by and watch this. She’s had a tough few years and besides this story this is not the only trauma her and her child have gone through. I can sit and be a good friend and just listen but when do I become an enabler to her child’s harm if I sit and do nothing.

Has anyone got any advice?

You don't need to speak to the NDVA. Just call the police please.

I would be encouraging her to get a coil or implant fitted.
Shes insane to be actively trying to get pregnant even she must see that????

Separately the 2 yr old needs protecting. read the news. This man could easily kill her 2 yr old.
I would report to both police and social services and deny all knowledge of reporting it but say whoever did it wanted to help and maybe it could be a good thing.

Call the police right now. If anything happens to either her or her baby, you have blood on your hands too for being a bystander and doing nothing. It's harsh but it is the absolute truth. Her preferences are irrelevant when a child is involved. She has put her child at a high risk of abuse by allowing him to move in (after 2 months a big red flag, as well). She needs help. Call them.

I’d have to report it. He wants locking up.

In life threatening situations our brains go all sorts of amazing things to protect us, including making us think strange things. Her reactions aren’t unusual even if they’re not logical from an outside perspective.

You have the benefit of being clearsighted op, with the safety to act in her and the dc’s best interests.

It’s all very well for people to say she should get him out. Being beaten around the head is a terrifying thing - if she couldn’t defend herself how would she persuade a volatile and violent psychopath to leave. Statistically her chance of being murdered will be highest when trying to leave or end the relationship.

This is why the police don’t need the woman to cooperate in order to prosecute.

I know this sound ms harsh but the little one might need to be removed for their safety. Please ring the police and social services. He could kill them both.

In my personal experience as a social worker you can report and ask for the info you give to be kept anonymous (ie not tell your friend where it came from). The social worker and other professionals are aware you are the source, but it allows them to understand the risk and to know that the information you are giving is, on balance of probability, accurate and trustworthy as you have no malicious reason to be passing this information to them. If you are the only person your friend has told she may figure out it was you but its usually confirmed by professionals.

Sharing the information also enables police / social care to do a referral to MARAC (chaired by police) which is a local multi agency domestic abuse case review panel which enables all services to share info, complete a risk assessment and devise a plan for family members. Your friend doesnt need.to consent to that referral. For example as a standard they may put a treat as urgent marker on the house so if anyone calls the police from or about anyone at her address it woll be treated as an urgent call out ,/ response needed.

Report. You have a duty to those children.

If she drops you, so be it but she has put herself in this position. She has appalling judgment.

Its a horrible situation to be in OP but if ever there was a time for moral courage this is it.

Kids present means they are also the victim domestic violence. Report to Social Services.

if something happens to this child it is not your fault. if something happens to your friend it is not your fault. the fault will lie with him and him alone.

I know people think it's like you just call the police and they'll come sort it out but they often don't/can't and men will get violent if they think they've been dobbed in. I would ask for a DV charity's advice or SS first - with full intention of reporting to the police asap but just to get support to do so and to understand the process.

If you try to help in the way the professionals suggest (DV charities, SS and police), you can rest knowing you did the best you could with the guidance from professionals however it ends up.

No, she doesn't need advice first she just needs to report to the police. That's the first thing social services will ask. The longer she delays the more likely any bruises will have faded. I am speaking as a social worker. Social services need evidence to act which if the victim doesn't disclose themselves, needs to be from police.

you're worrying too much about how the adults will take it. Social services would not remove a child unless they are very worried. The child’s mother isn’t giving the child a second thought by the sounds of it, so other people need to take action and that is you.

1. Alert social services as the kids are at risk

1. Give her a book. In Control by Prof Jane Monckton Smith.. Also read it yourself

OP, hang up the phone if you're still calling around domestic violence lines.

You need to call the police and then report the facts you know to social services now.

What the hell are you thinking here?

Your friend has made some very dangerous, scary decisions here and is clearly not in control of what's happening here - she's being harassed on the phone by him, he's moved in after 2 months, they're "trying for a baby" - STOP, step back, and see how him hurting her is going to end up.

It's going to end up with that 2 year old being killed and you are going to have it on your head that you could have stopped it.

You might worry for your friend, but she WILL be offered support IF she wants to keep her child safe.

The only reason children are taken from parents is if the parents are making decisions that are putting them in danger.

Right now, YOU are part of the problem.

Please report this and don't have what happens next on your conscience.

yes....and what happens when they rock up and she says nothing happened (because she will) and hes now pissed because she "opened her fucking mouth"?

Not being funny but being a social worker isn't seen as a badge of expertise when it comes to keeping people safe right now. And there are women up and down this country stuck living with men out on bail for abusing them.

There are kids living with abusive fathers because courts seem to think it is in their benefit...

there are women who have had their victimhood referred to as 'just a toxic relationship' and 'they're as bad as each other' because people, including those who should be there to protect them, judge women who have been damaged enough by their life and circumstances to not be able to see the wood for the trees - and it can happen to any of us.

If this op just jumps in, she is right that she might lose any direct ability to help that child. she could lose her friend's trust, and right now her friend is at least admitting the abuse to her. in a few weeks she probably won't be. she'll be hiding it, and then there will be no one to report anything because no one will know about it.

she does need to go to the police asap. but she does need to also have support. she is in a terrible position, she's in an emotionally stressful situation and she risks putting herself in danger too. Perhaps more people would report if there was a better, clearer process and more support.

Seriously what support do you think social services or a DA service will give her? I don't understand what you think they can do. She either reports it or she doesn't. There isn't some magic process that will unlock a better police response. Reporting may not result in police action. But it will be further evidence for children's services to act upon.

Please please report it .jus think of the poor kids recently on the news, they just needed someone to speak up and help them.
please report it. They will support ur friends to get away from him but im sorry the kids/kid needs to come first before your friend. I’m sure u would rather then be alive than dead? 2 months is fucking outrageous, who the fk does he think he is absolute cretin, does she not have any family brothers or that u can speak to?

And if the op jumps in it just might be the difference of an alive or dead child in a short time down the line.
THE CHILD HAS TO BE PRIORITY EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!!!

My thoughts exactly wheres her DAD or Brothers
the social, local auth, police don't talk to each other we know this as they keep telling us um sorry we've failed again we aim to learn from our mistakes again

Police need to be involved before it is too late OP and yes, you are very right to be worried.

They start on the mother first then may start on children.......The longer this goes on, the more trauma your friend will ecperience.

Log injuries take photos as evidence and contact police. This loser she is with is guilty of donestic violence, controlling behaviour and harrassment.

I’m really stressing on what to do. When her dad used to beat up the mum they would let him back out and he would do it again. I’m worried he will find her and she will let him in an he will hurt the child this time

You are over-thinking this. You cannot waste time by wondering what 'might' happen. The child is currently in grave danger. You can reduce the possibility of the child being harmed by calling the police now.

Tell the police what you are worried about.

Stop stressing, report it now.

Tell police. And children’s services.