Friend has gotten really funny due to my weekend away with man

[Laurenn25]

I’ve been single for three years, single Mum to primary age DC who I’ve put first during that time. Only recently did I start looking to date again, I’ve met someone who I get along really well with and we’ve arranged a weekend away for mid-July.

My best friend had been on for a while about the two of us going away for a weekend, but for various reasons I didn’t outright commit to this. I told her it would depend on a few factors including finances.

I’ve told her about my planned weekend with the man I’m seeing and she got really funny and asked is that why I can’t go away with her. I said it wasn’t as simple as that. She said we’ve been friends for years and as soon as I’ve got a ‘sniff of cock’ I’ve dropped her. I haven’t dropped her at all.

It’s true I probably could have gone away with her, but I didn’t commit to it and can’t afford two trips now. She has made me feel a bit crap.

I see that with all my female friends whether they have a boyfriend, a husband, a child or a parent that needs support from time to time.

I accept that families come first, I understand if the boyfriend takes priority as I understand they may be in the process of trying to build up a new family for themselves. As long as they don’t leave me waiting to confirm we are meeting (I wouldn’t block the time off while they decide) and don’t cancel plans at the last minute. I’m fine. Now, if someone is saying they are not sure they can go on holidays yet, I just take it as a “no” and no hard feelings.

Why on earth is it offensive? We don't all have to waft around pressing flowers and being fragrant and delicate you know. Some women are blunter and more to the point and that's fine. Most of my friends are; mind you, I generally wouldn't hang out with women who think mentioning 'cock' directly is far too crude for their delicate ears. Life's rich pageant and all that...

Well said, not the friends loss by sounds of it…

This isn’s about timeshare, this is about stringing the “best friend” along and pretending you want to go on a trip with them, giving them crappy excuses which all of a sudden go out of the window when a new guy comes along. Honesty is important in a friendship. Apparently the only way OP could explain to her overweight, highly strung “best friend” that she didn’t want to do a weekend away with her is to be bluntly offensive.

Exactly! There's nothing wrong with not wanting to go away with a friend or whoever you (don't) want to, you're under no obligation to be anyone else's stopgap either, but why would her expectations be so different that she's this hurt? Almost certainly because it felt like it wasn't made clear or you were stringing her along.

Yes the comment from that poster was way too aggressively worded, I do agree, but the op is being so flippant in the face of people pointing out she hasn't treated the friend well. Instead of maybe taking some of that on board, she is simply deflecting with snide comments ab0ut what other pp's parents must think of them. We could just as easily say the same to her: that's what I meant by lack of self awareness.

You are perfectly right to treat the things differently OP. When you are a single mum finding and arranging time to date is bloody hard. Ignore the smug-marrieds on here OP and have a great time x

YANBU.

You haven't dropped her, you are still seeing her regularly. You hadn't committed to going on holiday with her and you are not obliged to.

From what you've described, I can 100% see why you wouldn't want to! We've all got friends who are better in small, regular doses than in a 24/7 holiday setting.

What's her situation, is she single or does she have a partner? Does she have any kids?

You are allowed to not want to go away with her and she's allowed to feel upset about that.

Would have been better to be straight with her than string her along though.

I haven't heard the phrase and probably wouldn't use it to the friend as it's a little aggressive - would have tried to communicate calmly - but I think it's really funny! It says what is meant very neatly. And some women do light up like a Christmas Tree at any hint of male interest, discarding their friends. I don't think it's the actual cock that excites them, but it's a very pithy way to describe how some women put men on a pedestal very quickly.

Yeah, tbf, most of my friends would've said it in a jokey eyeroll way,not especially aggressively. I mean, if you're that good friends it's just a way of pointing out a problem, most people don't snap like that, it's very to the point. really depends what the 'banter' is like in the friendship in general or if it felt a bit too shocking. If I was genuinely really irritated and upset, I'd probably have said something pointed and then backed off the friendship a bit

There's one woman in one of my (mixed sex) friendship groups who is infamous for always ditching plans with mere friends the minute a new man comes on the scene or anything comes up with a bloke. It's more a standing joke now than anything, people are just different, I guess, but it is funny. She's been doing it ever since I've known her, so I just accept that's what she does, but one or two of her longer standing friends do get riled with their plans being cast aside at a moment's notice because Bloke.

What's nym?

I'm with her. Can't stand friends who put their new man above you and pick constant plans with the man instead. Awful of you to arrange a weekend with a new man and not her. You'll want her around if he doesn't stick around.

"Because Bloke." 🤣 That just sums it up, doesn't it!

Does she know she's doing it? Has the group teased her about it or just simmered silently? You should all say to her "We get fed up with being dumped when we've made plans with you just because some random man comes along."

But she hasn’t treated her friend badly st all? I completely fail to understand the enormous outcry here over what seems to me to be a total non issue. The OP was free to tell her friend a polite fib “I don’t have enough money for a trip with you at the moment “ and free to decide that circumstances being different she would like to go away with potential new boyfriend. Its simply not the friend’s business to comment aggressively snd spitefully anout the OP’s choice. It was extremely rude. I don’t think it is st all excused by presumed hurt feelings. The friend was not entitled to first dibs on OP’s money and time.

In any other case mumsnet eould be highly critical of this kind of dramatic, selfish, histrionic attack on OP for trying to have a sex life/social life three years after divorce. There must be something in the water right now to make the voting so lop sided.

Intimate luuuurve😁

You call her your best friend but you don't seem to like her much.

Nym? I don't know that word. What do you mean?

Closequarters cock.
Fixed it.

Delightful. You sound charming

op hadn’t made friends with her friend though had she. She didn’t pull out of anything. She didn’t book anything with friend and booked with man instead. And that’s ok.

no one had ‘dibs’ on a person

Makes me think of a Seventies man with a chest wig and gold necklace!

You’ve put a new man before your best friend. I do not blame her one bit for being pissed off. YABVU.