Friend has gotten really funny due to my weekend away with man

[Laurenn25]

I’ve been single for three years, single Mum to primary age DC who I’ve put first during that time. Only recently did I start looking to date again, I’ve met someone who I get along really well with and we’ve arranged a weekend away for mid-July.

My best friend had been on for a while about the two of us going away for a weekend, but for various reasons I didn’t outright commit to this. I told her it would depend on a few factors including finances.

I’ve told her about my planned weekend with the man I’m seeing and she got really funny and asked is that why I can’t go away with her. I said it wasn’t as simple as that. She said we’ve been friends for years and as soon as I’ve got a ‘sniff of cock’ I’ve dropped her. I haven’t dropped her at all.

It’s true I probably could have gone away with her, but I didn’t commit to it and can’t afford two trips now. She has made me feel a bit crap.

Oh it's the dick sand 😂

The friend was holding out for an expensive, extravagant holiday, according to OP. What OP had offered was not good enough for her.

OP still sees her weekly, and would have been happy with a 2 bed cottage break.

Idk what friend had asked for, but I have ex friends who used to push boundaries and try to prove their worth by setting up little tests and competitions...will you spend this much on ME, will you see ME instead of them, etc.

OP is not obliged to give up a sex life in order to overspend on entertaining a friend.

'She has made me feel a bit crap.' I bet she feels a lot crop.

Crapness scoreboard (because after all this is a contest, of the popularity variety ): BF 2, OP 1.

It's SO the dick sand with some people! 🤣🤣🤣

Not sure it's the reason with OP, though. OP, you have a communication problem. If you didn't want to go away with her, you should have just said so nicely. You could even have said that you can only afford one weekend away this year and that you're looking for a boyfriend, so want to save it for that, because you would so love a romantic weekend away. It's been years since you had one, and life as a single mum is usually anything but romantic. If she's a good friend, I'm sure she would have supported you in that aim.

But you kept her hoping, and now have crushed hope of a weekend away because of the new man. I can really understand how she feels.

I don't like the details you put about her bathroom habits and weight. If that's really the issue, maybe don't be friends with her. Or if you're suffering the consequences of not being a good communicator, own that, instead of taking it out on her.

As regards the unedifying details, there's nothing to say you had to go away in a cottage. No reason you couldn't have gone to a hotel and had rooms far away from each other. And you could have pretended to be the one that snores and you were saving her from you. There are ways to maintain your physical comfort without hurting someone.

Anyway, you weren't honest with your friend and now she's hurt. I hope you have a lovely weekend with your man, but I hope you either find a way to make things up with your friend, or end the friendship if you really are as disgusted as you sound by her weight, eating preferences, and bathroom habits. You make her sound like some disgusting pig. It might be a kindness to let her go and have more time to find friends who value her.

She has a valid point and if you value her friendship, try be kind. But she also should realise that actually, in the throes of early relationships and everything new and exciting, it can sometimes take up a bit of spare time. While it's annoying it's understandable. That's the way I've looked at it when blown out by friends on occasion to be with their fellas.

Not the same, perhaps you can meet up when back and treat her to a pub lunch and a good old girls afternoon and catch up.

OMG there was nothing arranged, no one has been ditched.
i could understand friend getting upset if op cancelled a booked or almost arranged holiday to swan off with new man but op hasn't.
I wouldn't get upset if Op ws my friend I'd be excited for her & it's probably a darn sight cheaper.
Friend has been on holidays with Op in the past & will do in the future.

I really don't get the pitchforks as it's not like OP is gonna dump the friend, they'll still spend plenty of time together.
If me & my long time friends can manage to accommodate each other then why can't others?
Yes it would be different if we constantly dumped each other for boyfriends/partners/husbands/other people but we don't.

Op isn’t obligated to go with her friend
might need to be a bit more honest as to why you don’t go with her
as the friend may think you’ve strung her along
better so saying no that this happening

but she’s not entitled to your going with her

OP may not be obligated to go on holiday with her ‘friend’, but also, OP’s ‘friend’ isn’t obligated to be there when the cockfest ends.

I wouldn’t be.

Ah yes, the good old girls' nights are now girls' afternoons, because Big Male Chief showed up. 🙄

You said my user name "dimwitted" checks out while spelling "name" as "nym". Twice.

Brilliant! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I was on your side until I read the bit about you paying. If the man was covering everything then fine. But to spend your own money to see a man you just met over a good friend? Yeah, it’s kinda embarrassing and I don’t blame your friend for feeling hurt.

I've only read the first page @Laurenn25, and I am tired so I'm going to give my response without even reading all of your posts, sorry.

I don't agree with most of the PP's on the first page, although I do partly agree with your friend, but only on one particular point. I do think that you are putting this new man in front of going away with your friend, but I think that your reasons for doing so are probably very valid.

If I had been single for 3 years, with no sexual male company in all of that time, I would be unashamedly desperate for some male validity that I was still attractive, and still sexually desirable. I would also be desperate to have a real, hopefully physically amazing, encounter with a man that I was sexually attracted to, and who's company made me feel both excited, and yet relaxed with, too!

With the best will in the world, and even though it would have been with my best female friend, a weekend with my best friend could not give me the sort of buzz that I think/hope I would get with a particular man, after a 3 year drought! So if your thinking OP is anything similar to mine just be honest with your best friend, and if she still can't appreciate your choice, then maybe she doesn't deserve the title of 'best friend' anymore?

NB: I am not going to apologise to any feminists for what my honest feelings and needs would be, if I had suffered from a 3 year drought!

It has absolutely nothing to do with pearl clutching or being fragrant & delicate or using the word cock. It's everything to do with the Ops friend telling her she is 'choosing cock' which in the circumstances is a disgusting accusation.

I wouldn’t stand for being spoken to like that. That’s really vulgar.
I also don’t really agree with her notwithstanding the language. A weekend away with a romantic partner is a different context to one with a friend you’ve known along time. You’re in the exciting honeymoon phase of the relationship where you’re getting to know each other and deserve some time with your new man away from the kids and the rest of the world.
Shes acting like you’ve dropped the friendship, when you haven’t. She’s also speaking down to you. I’d tell her to mind her own fucking business if she carries on.

I do think there can be issues when friends go underground when they have a man and only pop up again when they break up. But it doesn't sound like that's you.

The real issue seems to be that you aren't holiday compatible with your friend but she is relying on you to be her holiday companion. From your description she sounds a bit entitled - wanting you to go on the sort of holiday she wants, not the sort you want and being upset you've found something compatible with a boy friend - but at the same time, it's not clear whether you've been unambiguous about where you stand holiday wise with her before now and whether she had good reason to think she was going to get a holiday with you this year.

I can understand why she's put out, if you've led her to believe you MIGHT go for a weekend away with her and doesn't know you have reservations about the cost and sharing a room (both of which are normal, communicable issues).
It looks as if you were looking for an excuse not to do something with her and have taken the opportunity provided by the new man.
You probably need to do a bit of grovelling and perhaps suggest a lovely day out somewhere with her.

She is though?

That’s literally exactly what she’s doing.

This. I’ve had a couple of ‘friends’ like these and a lot of the time they’re jealous of your relationship rather than being happy for you. Also why shouldn’t OP be excited to go away with a new squeeze?

I don’t think there is anything wrong with saying “friend I love you but my budget for going away was £x/ a few low key nights at a cottage. I don’t have the budget for ££££fancy spa hotel, and you’ve shot down every suggestion in my budget. Even if I didn’t go away with NewMan, I still couldn’t have afforded a trip you wanted and you still didn’t want a trip I could afford.”

It's not really though. There's a person attached to that cock. That person may be OP's future life partner.
Stop being so basic.

Tell her your new relationship is not to be sniffed at.

Only you know what you have actually been saying to your friend and how you have handled the situation
but you say you feel guilty and I think you are posting here in the hope you will feel less guilty....

It's never great to put a new relationship that may or may not last before a long standing friendship so if you deep down know you have done that just be more careful & thoughtful with friendships in the future.

You’re a free agent, and a weekend away with a bloke is entirely different to a weekend away with a mate.

Do as you choose - you don’t owe her any explanations. She’s a friend - not your keeper. 🤷‍♀️

Yes she is.

She can see him any time.

She promised her friend that she would go away with her and is now prioritising someone else because he has a dick.

She’s choosing someone she’s known for a short amount of time over her long term friend because of his cock.

It is that basic.

All she had to do was tell the friend that she had no plans on travelling with her and this wouldn’t be an issue.

Not that any of this is true.

My DH had a long standing friendship with a few school friends. There was one particular guy in the group who obviously resented me after my now DH stopped attending their annual weekend away. We were young & it became too expensive. We did scrape together money to have the ocassional weekend away ourselves. It was obvious one guy in the group was jealous, even called me smothering to my face. After a few of those incidences my then DH decided enough was enough & stopped seeing them all.
Never let friendships interfere with your relationship or worse your marriage. A true friend knows your partner in life takes priority.