AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

Bearing in mind we only have OP’s account and even she admits she initially made as if everything was OK (despite saying what she said was a knee jerk), made passive aggressive remarks with a sneer and she only ‘probably’ thinks DS2 realised she’d been heard.

We then get further down the Chinese whispers route because OP is telling us what her husband says DS2 has said. She’s already admitted to the sneering so DS2 can’t have been lying about everything.

If I was the husband/father I’d certainly want to know what both protagonists have to say.

However, the whole silly mess would have been finished and done with if OP had been a grown up and just said ‘I heard what you said about me, it was nasty, you should be ashamed.’ Sadly, she decided to be nasty in return not remembering that two wrongs don’t make a right. You can’t claim the moral high ground of saying ‘I did nothing wrong’ if you admit to, at the very least, being sneering.

The girl criticising her own body in her head and starves herself or binge eats to achieve 'perfection' as per Instagram filters , I really wouldn't be taking any heed of her comments on my body. I would certainly point out that they were being rude, but in a straight forward way, not sparky, and then move on
The girls are being immature but they are teens, its all going blown up way out of proportion now imo and everyone's backed themselves into a corner they can't get out if

It’s never been my experience on MN that step children are always wrong. Quite the opposite in fact - free passes for all kinds of behaviours simply because they are step children. It’s step parents - usually mothers that come in for the bashing here. As is happening with OP. And if you read OP’s comments carefully she didn’t say she wanted them banning from the house, she said she wanted to stop them turning up unannounced while their dad was at work. They have house keys. That’s a privilege. They were rude and unkind and then tried to cover up by lying to their dad. I honestly think that warrants the house keys being taken back and unannounced visits stopped unless their dad is home.

I don’t think anyone has said she should have risen above it.

But she should have addressed it, not just made snide comments smirking all the while. There are ways to address bad behaviour, and that wasn’t one of them.

No. Having house keys to your own home should not be considered a privilege.

Plenty of posters saying OP should just have ignored it or brushed it off. I actually don’t think it was a snide comment, given that it was in response to what they actually said - DSD would have known exactly where it was coming from, and the fact that the two of them later deliberately misrepresented what happened to their dad just adds to the bad taste OP must have in her mouth now.

Of course it’s a privilege. I don’t know many step parents who would actively support their step kids visiting unannounced and just walking in whenever they felt like it, regardless of whether their bio parent was home. They have been given the keys to a home someone else owns and pays for. That requires trust. These two girls have proved they don’t have the maturity for that trust and if I were OP I would insist on having the keys back.

I find it amazing that all MN are never passive aggressive, always deal with situations maturely, never feel hurt and react, always act like an adult and never get pissed off by extremely rude, hurtful teenagers. It’s odd cos that’s not what I see in my life.
OP you reacted in a very human way to two young people being extremely rude. They left and got defensive because they know they are wrong and are ashamed. Ignore the perfect people who always do the right thing, they do the right thing on the internet when it’s not them who were insulted.

Bearing in mind we only have OP’s account and even she admits she initially made as if everything was OK (despite saying what she said was a knee jerk), made passive aggressive remarks with a sneer

The OP's initial response was to act like there was nothing wrong. Perhaps to let it go. It sounds like what caused her to react the way she subsequently did was that when the girls saw her they were all nicey nicey to her face.

I take on board that most people have said something behind someone's back. But immediately following their comments with being all nice to her face probably in the moment felt like hypocrisy.

You don’t think OP is now being defensive because she realises she was wrong to handle the situation badly?

I think it's weird that they come when their dad is not there. I mean it obviously isn't to hang out with you, which would be one thing, but just to hang out in general. I wouldn't be happy about that tbh having people walk in whenever. My dh has the key to my Mil but he always call to make sure it's good to drop by. It's about respect. I mean you could be having people over.

I’m confused, how would she expect them to react to her when they didn’t realise she’d heard? Of course they would be pleasant.

Did she expect them to say ‘Oh, dearest step-mother we’ve just been discussing you in unflattering terms.’?

I think OP intended to let it go until she was confronted by DSD’s hypocrisy - a nice, normal conversation and concern for OP, when a few minutes earlier she had been the subject of their nastiness. That’s probably why she ended up reacting as she did - I think I’d probably have done the same. I don’t think she handled it badly - I think it was a difficult situation, in which, rightly or wrongly, her hurt dictated her actions. Entirely understandable.

When you are nasty, sometimes people bite back. Hard.

Your home, but you married him?🙄

Time to take those keys back and make it clear that they visit when expected and when their father is present.

You are 100% entitled to be in a bikini in YOUR home, without being subject to nasty comment.

Perhaps you should suggest that he sees them elsewhere if he has a problem with this.

That teenager was rude and sometimes thatvhas real consequences.

Another woman making the foolish mistake of giving a man part of her home and his children thinking she can be mocked.

Rethink your decisions if he doesn't support your right to privacy in your home without being mocked.

I'd be fucking fuming if my dh had questioned my version of events..

Why are we accepting teenagers being rude and thoughless instead of teaching them better...

Why exactly were you wrong to smirk? Perhaps they were in the wrong for making disrespectful comments about your body. Why is dsd2 making this about her, flouncing out without a word, how rude! I suggest you need an apology from them not a judgement from dh. Just because she has an eating disorder doesnt mean she gets carte blanche to be a bitch. At her age she's old enough to know better and shouldn't be overindulged because she has an eating disorder. I certainly wouldn't have them in the house again until they learn some respect. Stand your ground and tell your weak willed husband to take off his rose tinted specs when dealing with his daughters.

Of course he has to talk to his daughter. He has to hear what she has to say before he imposes a consequence, it's grossly unfair not to. It's not about thinking OP is lying, it's about figuring out what happened and giving everyone their right of reply and what happened appears to be a misunderstanding from the girls. Perhaps OP misunderstood something too?

I think it's very likely she honestly did think OP was snarking at her body; she didn't know OP had heard her so she likely didn't make the connection between OP's comments and her own. Reason 785456777644 why pass agg responses to this kind of thing are a terrible idea. Teenagers are self centred by nature and if she's in recovery from an ED then she's going to be hairtriggered and relate it all back to herself.

Yabu to stop them coming and going as they please. It is their hime with their dad.

Would you take the same line if it had been your own children?

I don’t think you have done anything wrong. I was bulimic throughout my teenage years. I wouldn’t have dreamt of making a nasty remark about another person.

Personally, I would have said to her that it was very unkind and hurtful to make such a rude comment and that with her condition she should understand how detrimental it can be.

I’d be pissed off with DH for siding with her. Seems she’s made a sob story up to make you look like the perpetrator.

No, but the hypocrisy would be palpable, and that’s what OP has reacted to.

This is mumsnet, there is some very genuinely good advice here, which you have the ability to figure out yourself.
And then, there is the advice where people will just say anything because they are not in that situation and never have been so have no empathy.

16 and 18 year olds may not be children but they are still young, I think the dad has been sensible in saying he will listen to both sides.
The air needs to be cleared and both parties need to move on, just forgive and forget. Yes I'm sorry for saying something which you may not want to hear because you feel hurt.
However, it was said on the spur of the moment and not in a nasty manner to your face.
I hope the girls realise they've hurt you and never do it again.

I used to suffer from anorexia and bulimia for years as a teen. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever make such cruel remarks about someone’s body. Your DH saying he needs to gets his daughters side of the story is basically him saying he doesn’t believe you. That would upset me way more than the bitchy comments from the girls. I would really struggle with that if my partner did the same OP.

Not easy to know what to do.

I don't think you did anything wrong.

I think your H needs to have a word with his daughters about body shaming or any discussion of your size or shape. You have clearly suffered from a lack of confidence up to the time of your weight loss, and he should tell his girls off for their insensitivity. Having an ED doesn't give anyone the right to shame others or to hide behind it when the victim of her nastiness bites back.

Everyone is entitled to some sensitivity, but nobody is entitled to invent insults in order to make someone else look bad. The girls are clearly playing games here, and I hope your H understands this.

Stick to your guns. They owe you an apology, and your H needs to show you that he has your back.

I am the same and I agree. I was so introverted that stage a comment like that would not have crossed my mind.