AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

It's not their home.
It's the house of the poor woman who was no doubt conveniently targeted by a man with two children to house.

Funny how these guys always manage to find a single solvent woman with a house.

OP, get those keys back today.

You made a passive aggressive comment after hearing them in order to let them know you heard them without addressing it like an adult. They’ve reacted like this in order to protect themselves in advance in case theres comeback from their comments about you.
both parties have been unreasonable:
they shouldn’t have said what they did.
You should’ve addressed it like a mature adult rather than the way you did (you were obviously upset so probably not thinking straight).

there is a way back from this but it requires maturity and humbleness from both sides. False apologies without accountability will not work.

And here we go again with the step parent angle. This is OP’s home too. OP has welcomed these girls into it and given them keys so they can come and go as they please. Where has she not treated them exactly the same as if they were her own ? She’s not proposing to stop them seeing their dad, or being at their home when he is there. But they’ve proved that they’re not to be trusted to come and go as they please so I think OP is perfectly within her rights to ask for the keys back and restrict them to visiting only when her dad is home. They’ve made OP feel uncomfortable in her own home and lied to their dad about it - why should she continue to make them feel welcome if that’s their attitude. Actions have consequences.

I'd want your DH to consider her ED and how she is-nasty comments might suggest she is struggling and needs more support?
Smashes those stereotypes about Gen Z being more body positive than us (yes, I know this is just one case, but there's so many examples, and if anything they seem to make more misogynist comments, anecdotally) and it worries me. Both boys and girls.

And then there’s this.

Your H should be telling his daughters to mind their tongues. They have hurt your feelings. You make them welcome & even if true, they should not talk about you within hearing distance.
SD is not upset, she is embarrassed being heard bitching. & doesn't want to apologise

The two girls realised they had been heard being nasty and, fearing the OP would tell their father, reversed the story to make it seem like the OP had been having a go at someone with an eating disorder.

Quite manipulative of them and sadly the OP's husband seems to be falling for it. If he does, that's a huge issue for a marriage if the girls know he takes their word over his wife's.

Me too, rude little madams.

The two girls have tried to get out of that corner by lying to their dad. Added to the way they were talking about OP, that’s really concerning. Not least because it’s going to cause issues between OP and her DH.

This
She should be embarrassed.
What a nasty, unkind thing to say.

Says so much about her.
I have teen daughters and I would be genuinely appalled if I thought either of them would be so rude and nasty about another person.

Real mean girl stuff.

The OP has the right to quiet enjoyment of HER home without being judged by a little mean girl madam.

How long are you married?
Help him pack is my advice if he doesn't have your back and take those keys back.

Their go to is to manipulate their father after they have behaved appallingly.

I’m usually very pro stepchildren being treated like family - but I would expect them to act like family.

I expect to be able to relax in my garden without two of my daughters - biological or stepdaughters - bitching in the kitchen about me, making snide comments about my appearance. And I have 16 yr old teenagers myself (twins) so I’m well aware what teens are like.

I actually think it’s entirely reasonable that OP bit back. I think her reaction was very understandable. Yes, she could have handled it better by addressing it directly rather than being snippy but isn’t hindsight a wonderful thing?! I’m sure hearing those comments really stung so I think OP did well to keep her cool.

They weren’t coming over to see their dad or even spend time with OP - they just wanted the use of the garden.

I would be very uncomfortable now. Even if nothing more was ever said, I’d know that they were secretly thinking really unkind thoughts. 16 and 18 years old is plenty old enough to be well aware of the consequences of what they said. I wouldn’t feel like relaxing if they could walk in at any time.

And they haven’t even apologised even though they’re well aware of what they said!! They’ve actually gone crying to their dad to try and twist what’s happened.

I think they owe OP an apology and I think they need to be told that overhearing family members making deeply unkind snide comments about your body is not acceptable.

Unless a genuine and full apology was forthcoming, I’d say no more relaxing in OP’s garden - they can come over to see their dad, but not make use of the house when he’s not there. They have their own home with their mum, it’s not as if they live with OP. Actions have consequences.

This. I certainly don’t think it’s been lost on them that this will cause issues between OP and their dad. On the surface it certainly seems they know how to manipulate him and that’s a bad omen for the future if this incident is a true reflection of who they actually are.

This he is going to have to get her side aka treating you as a child and not his wife or partner eg you might be lying or stirring this is a DH problem

I'm not sure what you mean by step parent angle.

I am a step parent and I still think she is out of order.

You are behaving like a complete muppet. I've had a nearly identified situation. They're teenagers - total dick heads. You should have told them what they said was rude and hurtful and the next time they fancy going for a cheap laugh remember there's a real person at the other end.

You need to point out to DH this was your house and is your home and if they are going to come around they ask you and if they make snide comments about your weight or appearance they won’t be welcome and furthermore they don’t come back until they apologise

Anorexia is not about seeing skinny girls on Instagram and trying to be like one of them.
It is a complex mental illness where the sufferer controls their food intake to regain control at a time when it feels like they have none.
It is denying the body nourishment and care and is self harm on a deadly scale.
If you meet someone in the thick of it they are usually very cowed and have that little energy that they often betray little emotion at all or observe much about the world around them. It’s a very insular and isolating experience.
And by the way I still think the DSD2 here has been unkind and OP had copped for it with the drama.
Whatever had happened to this young girl it is nothing to do with OP at all.

I sincerely hope you have no plans to have children with this user loser with two nasty daughters.

Looks like you might be waking up to a huge error of judgement in marrying a man that needed housing for his two daughters.

This is NOT normal teen conversation.
This is rude nasty mean girl conversation.

They have shown you who they are quite capable of being.

Nasty, manipulative liars.
I suggest you take careful note OP.

If they want to be treated as family by OP then they should act like family. The thread has focused on the fact that OP is a step parent - how many times has she been told that she can’t ban them from visiting whenever they like because they are her DH’s children ?

You need to message DD2 and put in writing that the comment you made about covering up your own loose skin was made in relation to what they said about you in garden, which you found hurtful. That you're surprised that she had made it about herself, given the context of the conversation. That the idea you would want to cause her harm like that is absurd and you really hope she doesn't think that of you.

It would be better for all involved if you try to improve the relationship you have with your husbands teenage daughters. And not try to make it worse.

Their comments weren't kind and I wonder whether, had you had a conversation about it, they might have apologised and realised how hurtful they were.

But you are meant to be the adult here, and you acted like an immature teen. I think that was especially unwise with a child with a mental health issue.

You obviously can't unilaterally ban a child from a house they live in alongside their parent. You're trying to find a way to retaliate and hurt them back, rather than resolve things.

A conversation might be more productive.

Ah yes. Sacrifice yourself on the altar of your DH’s badly behaved and manipulative daughters to keep the peace. That’ll work.

OP isn’t trying to ban them from the house. She just doesn’t want them dropping in whenever they feel like it while her DH is not there. I don’t think that’s unreasonable. It’s OP’s home to and they have no right to expect free access after making her feel so uncomfortable.

Such a mountain out of a mole hill.
Teens can be such dicks. Yes you handled it incorrectly and should have spoken to them directly about their hurtful comments and got an apology.

Dh needs to get the girls to the house and you all need to sit down like families do and hash it out.

Not sure on what planet you restrict step kids access to their home

@Gwenna
Totally agree with this.
It's a very mature way of handling the situation.

Even going forward, I hope the situation is handled in a sensible manner. The girls obviously enjoyed coming to their dads house, and hopefully they continue to so in the future.
The girls have been immature and niave and I hope the OP can move forward from this one incident and let it go.
Best wishes.