AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

[UnflatteringComment]

Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

Isn’t it their home too, though?

I get why you reacted the way you did, they obviously got under your skin, but being passive aggressive was just the wrong move. You should have been direct about it.

Having an ED doesn’t shield her from getting called out on bad behaviour tho.

Would you ban your own kids from turning up if they said something hurtful?

I have 2 now adult step kids, one dead 16 year old step son and my own almost 13 year old. They have all at times said awful things to me, their dad's and where the step kids are concerned also their own mums. None of us have stopped them being in their homes.

We have disciplined them, we have explained that they have said hurtful things. But we have never rejected them.

I agree it is a good idea to dend a text to her quoting her EXACTLY in what she said and what you heard.

Spell out how surprised and disappointed you are to hear her being so unkind about yoir appearance.

Your need to clearly assert yourself.

Absolutely no more using your home to hang out now that you know how unkind they can be.

No wonder there is so much bullying of girls about when so many are so quick to dismiss thiss as teenage behaviour.

All teenage girls do not behave like this.

Shes upset she got caught lol

Too upset to talk about how nasty she was about you?

I don’t think your DH is handling this well at all!

These cunts girls sound like a couple of little bitches, op you have done nothing wrong.

Your dh needs to grow a fucking vagina and stand up for you. His daughters need to know when they have been out of line.

No wonder there is a behaviour crisis in schools. Kids and teens doing what ever the fuck they like amd not being met with consequences and discipline.

Oh @UnflatteringComment of course you have done something wrong. You behaved like a silly self-absorbed teenager, lashing out over a comment you weren't supposed to hear.

I started off feeling sympathetic - no-one wants to feel judged in their own back garden. But the more I read your posts, the more selfish and shallow you come across as.

No, OF COURSE, you can't restrict when they can turn up at their dad's home. I beg you, please don't try - it will damage your marriage.

As others have said, you need to take the adult route now. Ask your DH to set up a meeting so that you can apologise to DSD2. Tell her you overheard their comments and you were hurt. Say you regret acting the way you did and that you didn't intend to hurt her

And yes it is your fucking home op, you bought it, you decided to share it with your dh and his nasty daughters. They can fuck off with dropping by when their dad is not there.

Cunts the lot of them, dh included

I’d say calling teenage girls cs and bs is why there’s a behaviour crisis in schools.

I agree she behaved appallingly but I don’t think a formal meeting is a good idea as it’s likely to put everyone on edge.

The OP doesn’t sound sorry for how she reacted so it’s going to escalate further - can she honestly say she won’t lash out verbally again if the girls wind her up?

They know she overheard them, and I think the damage has been done now unfortunately. OP could have been adult about things and ignored the comments or she could have quietly spoken to them.

The fact she didn’t means that her hostility may make her husband feel forced to make a choice between his wife and his daughters.

That is going to cause undeniable hurt either way.

In the same situation - living with the other parent and being rude to my DH as a step parent. Absolutely.

A 16 year old kid making nasty comments about someone's body is unpleasant, but seeing grown adults calling her a cunt on the internet seems worse to me.

That’s fine if she’s happy to lose her husband over it.

i can’t believe people are berating the husband for supporting his daughters. I can guarantee if it was your (as in one of the posters in this thread) ex husband and your children, it would be a different story

You actually want OP to apologise ? Now I’ve heard the lot. It doesn’t matter whether OP was meant to hear the comment or not, the fact is she did. And instead of owning it and apologising as soon as they knew they were found out, they ran off to dad and told lies. Designed to cause issues between OP and her DH. It’s manipulative. These two know exactly what OP was saying. It didn’t come out of the blue, it was in response to overhearing that conversation. Where is the need for an apology other than that of the girls to OP, and to their dad for lying to him.?

If she loses her DH over it then he wasn’t worth having in the first place. And people are berating the husband for supporting his daughters because he’s basing that support on the lies they’ve told him, before actually talking to his wife to find out what really happened.

Yet another poster who thinks that because OP's DH's daughters didn't mean for OP to hear their cruel remarks that OP should just shrug it off and accept being mocked while she sunbathes in her own garden.

Her step-daughters are old enough at 16 and 18 to know better and they would be distraught if they overheard someone mocking their appearance. OP does not owe them an apology.

I do hope this is only Saturday night wine talking

OP can hold her ground of course if she’s happy to never have a decent relationship with her step daughters again and, by extension, have her own relationship potentially ruined.

The only mature thing to have done was to have ignored it but that ship had sailed

I’m surprised at the rough ride you’ve been given on this thread OP. DSD2 is an adult and therefore old enough to know that those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones! If she’s vulnerable and unable to handle comments about body shape she was silly to make them herself. It sounds like you simply reiterated what she said in a sarcastic way.

FWIW I too feel you should be able to relax however you wish in your own home without having a bitchy pair of girls around. Hopefully they won’t be keen to repeat the experience and will stay away

Glad you cleared that up! 🙄

I was wondering why a grown adult would consider stopping their teenager (SD) from coming into their own home unannounced. Apparently it's perfectly reasonable to insist that a teen must message for permission every time they want to come home.

It's your home but consider if this is a hill you really want to die on. She said something which unintentionally hurt you - and you said something which unintentionally hurt her. Although you added a smirk which makes that apology a bit harder.

No, not shrug it off at all!
Be the adult and pull them up over it. Absolutely take them to task about their unkind behaviour.

Unfortunately, @UnflatteringComment didn't do that - she joined in (and thus lost the moral high ground and her right to demand an apology). The only way she will get one now is to step up and explain her part in this and acknowledge that she could have handled it better.

It's their house too. If their dad lives there, it is their home. If OP didn't want to share her home and time with teenage girls, she shouldn't have married a man with 2 daughters.

You cannot ban them from their own home because they said some hurty words to you. The opportunity to deal with it properly has now been lost, but in future, be a grown-up, use your words, and tell them, "I heard that, and I found it hurtful." Or give it the attention it deserves, which is none at all.

Talking about flabby bits while smirking at a 16yo ED sufferer is stupid and dangerous, and I expect you knew that when you did it.

If I was your DH and you tried to bar my children from my house after deliberately poking at a serious MH issues one of them suffered from, I would be packing my bags and filing for divorce.

Exactly this..

Then I pity your kids