AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

[UnflatteringComment]

Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

Children of 10 know that calling people names behind their back is wrong. These are young women - of course they know they did wrong. This is even worse as it was in the OPs home where she should be safe. If they were my children they would have been told off straight away - in no uncertain terms. These very unpleasant young women are now dodging, lying and trying to blame others. I don’t think I’d want them in my house no matter who they were.

I also think bring her beef with her SDs here and hanging them out to dry and be called foul names on a net forum is a bitch response too.

She won't say what she thinks in RL, but she gets people on the Internet to be vile to them in her place.

Yay. You won. Your SDs have been called all kinds of nasty names.

I think that's fair enough! I wouldn't pop round to my parents house to sit in their garden if they weren't in! OP isn't saying she will stop them seeing their father or even stop them coming round the house, just that they shouldn't just let themselves in when they know their dad isn't even there.

No, you see the thing is the stepdaughter didn't intend OP to hear so that was unintentional, not meant to hurt.

OP retaliated and smirked as well, meaning to hurt, so her actions escalated the issue and moved things from bad to worse.

It is unfair that the OP is expected to react in the perfect way to two rude stepchildren, one of whom is an adult. She was simply minding her own business and relaxing in her own home, not expecting to suddenly have to come up with the best possible response after suffering a completely unexpected and very rude body shaming attack from one of her SDs. So what if smirking is the wrong reaction? OP didn't provoke the incident, and wasn't pre-prepared with a "Parenting rude teenagers without actually parenting them because of course they are not yours" manual. To the posters who react perfectly to unexpected and upsetting situations, good for you. The rest of us mere mortals have to make do with bumbling along the best we can, and we don't always get it 100% right.

The more OP is criticised for reacting badly, the more reason for suggesting that the SDs should not visit unannounced when their father is not there. That way, he can deal with their unprovoked nastiness and presumably his reaction will be foot-perfect.

Absolutely this.

Bullying behaviour is abusive, manipulative, cuntish and bitchy...... 🤷‍♀️

A spade is infact a spade, I love the word cunt, if someone is being a cunt, then it is the perfect word to use. If this offends anyone, I am too old to give a flying fuck 😘

Clearly not feeling all that confident as your reaction was over the top and banning them is only compounding that.

You over reacted and sound as immature as they are.

There were so many better ways you could have handled this

Oh grow up. It’s mumsnet. She came here for opinions and got a mixed bunch.

That's what I call a teachable moment. If they behave like spiteful little bitches, people will assume that they are in fact spiteful little bitches.

If it’s unfair to expect her to behave in the “perfect way” then it’s unfair to expect the same of 2 teens. Except - she’s the adult. They didn’t intend her to witness their comments whereas she did intend them to witness her behaviour and she had time to think through the best way to deal with it.

She could have taken the high road but she chose the low road.

I wouldn't lose sleep over being passive aggressive back. The higher road is not the only legitimate road.

It doesn't matter whether they intended you to hear it or not.

Which is irrelevant because I’m not in the same situation as OP. But I like to think I’ve taught my DD good manners and that above all, you don’t say anything behind anyone’s back that you wouldn’t be prepared to say to their face. Because it can backfire badly - as these two girls have found. In the same situation, if she lived with my ex and was as rude to my DH as these two were to OP, and then tried to lie her way out of it, I would be so disappointed in her.

I would stop her coming and going as she pleased while I wasn’t here, at least for a while, and I would expect her to understand why. It wouldn’t be punishment, it would be an expression of my disappointment in her and my support for DH. Actions have consequences, if you would pity my kids for being taught that and having it reinforced, then have at it.

Why did you react to a comment made behind your back by someone with a mental health issue!

As always, plenty of ludicrous comments and assumptions probably because the op is a stepparent but could also just be because people love to stick a boot into the op regardless of the situation.

The facts are, two young women who are old enough to know better were caught out making bitchy remarks about the op and rather than own up and apologise, they’ve twisted it to try and make the op look bad. She’s perfectly entitled to be pissed off about it and to expect some privacy in her own garden without worrying that people are looking her up and down and passing comment. Was her reaction the best…maybe not. But she’s really not done anything wrong.

Mental health issues are not a free pass to be deliberately rude about people and then try to lie your way out of it. If DSD had the wherewithal to actually say it, then there’s no reason not to call her out on it.

@UnflatteringComment
Your husband is going to believe whatever his offspring say in their tale of cruelty and violence about the scenario
Don't expect a fair shake on this one
You're not going to get it
You titted for tatted true
And perhaps should've said nothing
Perhaps even chatted to daughter to explain how upset you were privately
But I'm wondering
If this is what you heard
What else mightve she have said?
You're never going to be allowed to forget this
So I'd say
They visit around suitable times and you are pleasant enough
Also willing to bet all the effort was really at your end
Your dh
Will always accept their version of anything that happens times 2
He's blinkered and biased so
Set boundaries and remember you're better than this
Don't let them grind you down

Having an ED doesn't justify nastiness.

Your own home is the one place you should expect to be free from mockery or attack.

I’m amazed that people suggest because they didn’t think the OP could hear it is in some way ok? It’s never ok to walk into someone’s house and be cruel about them. This is compounded by expecting the aggrieved party to act as the perfect adult and not be blindsided by this awful behaviour.

Of course you can't stop his children coming round.

I expect you being on the jabs and losing weight is quite triggering for your SD - not your fault and not rational at all but it is a difficult thing to manage and may be why your previously good relationship is fraught but that should have pass. It wasn’t a great moment for anyone involved but it is done now. Other wise I would just advise being the adult and not going lower- your DH is probably terrified about his DD relapsing.

Two spiteful little madams. One happens to have an ED. So what?

I support the OP all the way.

Thank fuck that there are some reasonable people on this thread.

Shame on the bully apologists

Op your house, your rules

You cannot ban them from their own home because they said some hurty words to you.

The OP is NOT saying that she's going to ban them.

Of course you can't stop his children coming round.

Nor is she going to stop them coming round.

All she is wanting is that they don't come round as and when they please even if their dad isn't in. And if they are going to be rude and judge her when they do then she is not being unreasonable.

I would have no issues banning them.

You're not welcome to spend time in the house I purchased if you are going to disrespect me. I don't care what Daddy has to say about it either.