AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

No I woudn't be happy with someone calling my kids a "cunt" on a thread, but if my kids had been acting like a "cunt", I would be more upset about their behaviour than what they were called.

She only made the same comment, about the same body - HER OWN, that the girl had!! I would not apologise for an uncomfortable smirk like smile as I admitted to being very offended. People are human, including adults, and the girl will remember what it feels like to have been caught talking like that. It might be better for her eating disorder to realise properly that even if she thinks that way about bodies actually it’s so rude that it destroys relationships.

i was with you until the smirking. Rude, passive-aggressive bullshit. Do better OP.

How very patronising of you.

I'm so glad I don't know anyone who thinks like you do.

Grown adults caught off the hop with extremely rude comments from people they thought they were close with while they’re vulnerably undressed in their own backyard? Not sure about that, it’s a difficult situation.

It's a long-winded way of saying that expectations of young people are often set too low, while the bar for women to "turn the other cheek" is set too high.

If you can't relax without being insulted or disrespected in the safety of your own home, then something is very wrong. I can't belived the hoops people will jump through to defend the DSD.

I’ve only read the first page but wow, I can’t believe the initial response you’ve got, OP.

They obviously flounced out of the house due to being embarrassed about being overheard about their cruel comments! That’s on them, NOT you.

I hope your DH does back you up on this! Apologies if it’s moved on since the first page. I just wanted to put my twopenneth in as I see fit!

I don’t think what you said was over the top, far from it! They need to learn from this!

Nah if they can dish it out they can take it. Words can hurt and you can't take them back.

However you can't ban them coming over when they want. It's still a home to them. You probably all need a family pow wow though. Clear the air.

The smirk was probably borne out of intense embarassment/humiliation on top of the realisation that the comments were coming from ppl she thought liked and respected her and were family. It caught her completely off guard and I think she could have handled the situation a lot worse given the circumstances. Aren’t young women meant to be supporting other women these days FGS?

Also if she's upset it's because she realises she got caught out, not because of what you actually said. She's not going to admit that though, is she?

Or she is upset because she has a mental illness, commonly thought to be the deadliest mental illness of all, and OP triggered that illness because a mentally ill child said something hurtful that she was never meant to hear.

Both things are wrong, but only one is unforgivable.

I understand why you felt hurt, and I understand why you reacted in the moment. Remember though, she wasn't deliberately trying to hurt your feelings. Most kids and teens think women over 40 are fat, sadly.
I think you will need to be the adult here and try to hold out an olive branch. The girl is probably feeling riddled with shame about having been caught being so mean. We all make mistakes. I can remember making some social howlers as a teen.
Also, I would just point out that eating disorders can overlap often with anxiety and also other forms of neurodivergence such as autism. Hypothetically, she might frequently her foot in it socially, misread social cues, experience black-and-white thinking, or struggle to repair a situation following a falling-out. Just an idea.
If she won't speak to you in person , you could always make a wee video message to get the ball rolling.
But I do understand how much it hurt you. I would feel the same. But I do hope you can find a way to forgive and move on from this.
Final thought : one day she will be inspired by your body positivity. I think it took me until my 20s until I looked around and thought "These women don't seem to care about their imperfections, so why should I?".

I’ll say it again, won’t ever put up with someone else’s kids. Shitty kids giving you attitude and causing problems in your life- not even related to you to put up with this

Oh boo for her. She can make nasty comments and then run away and cry when it’s turned to her? Let her cry and sulk , I would not be apologising until you get an apology

How can the OP have triggered this illness? By repeating the horrible comments about loose skin that the sweet, innocent child made about her??

OP didn’t march up there while she was drinking a cuppa in the kitchen and prod her in the stomach telling her she needs to lose weight did she, or did I miss this?

If the subject of weight was brought up in the first place we all know who did it and it wasn’t OP, she merely repeated the words back to her step daughter. How did she trigger her mental illness exactly by passively holding her accountable for using vile, toxic and judgemental language about her in her own home?

You don't talk about weight/body image in front of a person with ED. Everyone knows this. If they talk about their own weight, you change the subject; if you hear them talk about someone else's weight, you change the subject; if they say something about your weight that you find hurtful, you tell them you find it hurtful, ask them not to say it again, and change the subject.

What you do not do is prattle on about flabby bits whilst passive-aggressively smirking at them. The only way an ED sufferer is ever going to take that is as a comment/judgement on their body.

It is not an illness that lends itself to rational thought when it comes to weight and body image.

Yeah, she is milking it for all it is worth. Highly manipulative.

I didn’t know selfish teenage narcissism was a mental illness. It’s just an unpleasant personality trait, surely.

In the end, this young woman didn't know she was overheard in her thoroughly unpleasant words about the OP. What she said was nasty and cannot be unheard by the OP.

The OP's reaction was completely understandable and I'm not buying that all of this was filtered by DSD through her illness. The crying and running away comes over as bog standard embarrassment at being found out, in much the same way that bullies at work become the victim on being challenged. I'm not suggesting the DSD is a bully here, just employing a completely ordinary self-justification, with added DARVO.

The forbidding of drop-in visits I thought extreme, though the OP has been made to feel very uncomfortable in a place where she should be able to relax, indeed she thought she was in company she trusted as evidenced by her bikini. She was wrong and I'm not sure how that can be mended.

What you do not do is prattle on about flabby bits whilst passive-aggressively smirking at them

The OP did not "prattle", she was short and to the point. Furthermore, she was referring to her own body, which she is entitled to do.

Without knowing their version of events? Nice.

Assuming that the immediate family is aware given DSD2s treatment, I wonder why DSD1 (the 18 yo) did not pull her younger sister up on this, or deflect and change the subject, as it sounds as though she joined in and encouraged.

OP should be able to feel comfortable in her own home. And to wear what she wants when she wants, without snarks from the SDs.

I don't agree, anyone could say something mean not believing they were overhead. What happened here is they went telling tales and changed the narrative to make it a reverse and all about themselves. That's very nasty

Is reaching the best you have?

When your arms get tired feel free to give your neurons a workout.

@BlueFahrenheit I didn’t say what they did was acceptable,

And it’s bad form dragging your issues over a thread to another to try to get people to judge me - it’s often the actions of a ‘spiteful little madam’ ironically.

You have an issue on the other thread? Keep it on there.