AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

There's a level of dress that's reasonable when around teenagers that's different to the minimum clothing you might feel comfortable wearing. Teenagers can feel very uncomfortable around adults in swim wear that's not for swimming. They'd probably feel similar about their mum - I don't think this is a step mum thing. (Obviously at one end of the spectrum are inappropriately dressed adults deliberately trying to make children feel uncomfortable - that's not what's happening here, but not listening to children's discomfort with how an adult dresses in their home is a problem).

I think you probably have to work on the basis that your home is also your stepdaughers' home for now.

You can probably achieve what you want by telling the girls that on days x, y and z from now till August you may be sunbathing between [times]. If they text that they're coming over you'll stop. If they turn up they might find you in the garden.

There's a lesson for your younger stepdaughter about the pervasiveness of diet culture and discomfort with our bodies - that it affects everybody not just people with eating disorders. You weren't able to say something like "we don't comment on other people's bodies" and ignore her comments.

So she should just accept the disrespect?

She is entitled to wear what she wants in her own house without other people being so rude.

I don’t see any major problem with the smirk personally. They need to learn to be less rude and disrespectful in your home. Tough if they don’t like that. As others have said you appear to have a husband problem

Having an ED does not excuse nastiness, but it does prevent you from being able to think rationally about weight/bodies, and it makes watching someone close to you lose weight very hard.

I can guarantee the first thing DSD heard after OP's smirk and comment was the ED voice in her head saying, "she thinks you're fat, she's right, you know? We need to lose weight."

If DSD was having a bad day, it's entirely possible she didn't even realise that OP had heard what they said and internalised OP's snark as a comment on her weight/body.

Someone who has a parental role to an ED sufferer would know this. OP did not react; a reaction would suggest she acted before she thought. OP thought about how she wanted to respond, and she went for the jugular of a severely ill teenage girl.

No. Just no.

There's a level of dress that's reasonable when around teenagers that's different to the minimum clothing you might feel comfortable wearing. Teenagers can feel very uncomfortable around adults in swim wear that's not for swimming.

The OP was outside in her own garden, already in her bikini, when the girls turned up unannounced. Are you sugggesting that she should never wear anything the slightest bit revealing in case they come round again?

You can probably achieve what you want by telling the girls that on days x, y and z from now till August you may be sunbathing between [times]. If they text that they're coming over you'll stop. If they turn up they might find you in the garden

And also no. Why on earth should the OP have to have a schedule of when she's permitted to go into her garden? She can go there whenever she feels like it. And if the girls don't like it that's their problem. Nor should she (wtf am I reading???) say that if they message ahead she'll make sure she's covered up so that they aren't offended by a bit of loose skin.

⬆️ 100% agree dont feed into their nonsense. Where will it end? Is OP allowed to wear a bin bag or sheet?!

I echo your thoughts.

How about they spend time elsewhere and keep their unwelcome comments to themselves.

I am thrilled that the OP is able to enjoy her garden while wearing her bikini💃

As for the spiteful little madams, they need to grow up.

This is called pandering and enabling.

Are you genuinely suggesting the op shouldn’t sit in her own garden in a bikini because there is a chance her grown up stepdaughters may decide to pop in and be triggered by the level of dress.

Utter bollocks. I’ve heard it all.

I guess the spiteful little madams would like the OP to wear a potato sack and hide in the bushes like a shrub to prevent them from feeling offended.

Oh - to be precious! 😂

Your DH wants 'their' side of the story?!
For what purpose exactly other than to decide whether he believes you or not?!
Two things here. You shouldn't have retaliated with a smirk and PA comment: you've just made yourself look a complete dick when really you should have taken the moral high ground.
Secondly, DH should have immediately supported you by tell his two daughters that it was totally unacceptable to have made such a nasty remark regarding their SM whether they thought you could hear or not. If they're not able to treat you with respect in your own home then they are not welcome until they learn some manners!

Her own garden, in the home she purchased.

It's tomfoolery at its finest.

You will not be insulting me in my own home. No doors will be slammed either.

So if I am not home, should my
daughter just wait outside?

That is really not a nice way to describe young women. Shame on you. Improve your vocabulary.

Hopefully your daughter behaves better than the OP’s step daughters do

Silly me! Yeah they probably want potato sack, bush lurking and deference to their shitty behaviour

If the shoe fits, wear it.

Spiteful little madams.

Three words that are degrading and misogynistic? Nice. You happy to call a 14yo that?

It's rather interesting.

If the OP was body shamed by two boys I'm sure the response would be wholly different.

Poor girls, here you are showing off your lose skin and they cannot even comment. This is what the difference between young women and old women is and you are going to take their father's money also

There are some people showing disproportionate anger towards two young women whose only crime was to talk about the OP behind her back.

Don't know why OP is getting a hard time. The girl was a bitch ,eating disorder or not.
If OP wants to be passive aggressive in response she can be.

As for "hearing daughters side of the story" .........husband would get a rocket for that. The wife told him what happened end of story. The only conversation he should be having is to tell his unpleasant daughter to apologize to his wife

And if OP doesn't want drop in visits from unpleasant yoing people who disrespect her in her own home, then she is not being unreasonable.

I am , yes.

Yes, and I would tell the spiteful little madam to exit my property until she has apologised and improved her manners.