AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

@Aluna I think it's important to teach teenagers not to be unkind to older people/family members though, don't you? Why wouldn't we?

You can’t ban children from their parent’s house.

They are teenagers who made a stupid bitchy remark. This could have been an opportunity to teach them a bit of insight and empathy but instead you behaved just as badly by charging in and acting like a bitchy teenager too.

Their father should speak to them about their behaviour. It might be worth considering some counselling to help with your body insecurities too if a teenager’s comment on your loose skin upset you this much.

They’re teens/ young adults, not 6 and 8. They should’ve been more discrete if they were going to pass comment on someone’s appearance. I’d have said something too, probably -‘ girls you know that I could hear you. You need to be careful when you talk about other peoples appearance in earshot as it’s very hurtful’.

ive a teen and she does make comment about people, mainly celebrities or people she sees on TikTok and if I hear her she gets pulled up on it. It’s up to parents to teach their kids what is and isn’t appropriate.

But are you and posters like you not doing a bit of victim blaming? OP’s behaviour distressing her. What about 16 year old’s behaviour?

That’s nice.

And once again, we can only assume that OP is telling the truth. Otherwise there is no point to MN.

OP didn’t expect to be called out on the unfortunate consequences of overeating or the way she reacted to her SDs. As you say actions have consequences…

What does this even mean ? Why would she expect to be ‘called out’ on the consequences of something that doesn’t affect anyone but herself ? It’s fat shaming, it’s unacceptable, and your attempts to excuse it are bizarre.

Well yes, but then you need to be kind to them yourself in order to teach them that, which OP wasn’t particularly.

How kind are posters generally on these boards?

This could have been an opportunity to teach them a bit of insight and empathy

Exactly @Restlessdreams1994 , that's part of our job as parents. The OP's DH needs to do this (and I don't think the OP reacted well in the moment).

The teenagers could be telling the truth but I’m more inclined to believe an adult over teenage girls.

There are far way worse things OP could have said in response to this remark she heard and she’s not said or done them. I believe her. So many step-mums on this board get an unwarranted pile on if they’re nothing but perfect and bowing and scraping to their step child’s every whim and need, no matter how rude the child may be.

Bang on

You have no right to stop unannounced visits I'm afraid. Those are his children.

You can have an honest conversation about how hurt you were though

You are being very childish here. So what if a teenage girl makes a comment that wasn't meant for your ears. Personally, I would have shouted from the garden ' I can hear you you know, my wobbly bits are where I store my sense of humour.. thankfully for you girls, do you want to come out and sunbathe ita lovely out here'.

According to this poster it’s perfectly acceptable for the DSD’s to ‘call out’ what she describes as ‘the unfortunate consequences of over eating’. Victim blaming at it’s finest - and the misogyny is built in.

I can assume OP is telling the truth about the incident without taking every word as gospel. There’s 2 sides to this story and right and wrong on both sides.

It’s OP’s home too, so why isn’t she allowed to say who does and does not enter it ? She’s perfectly within her rights to take back her house keys and stop the two of them from walking in whenever they feel like it, and wait until their father is home. Why on earth should she accommodate these two girls who’ve made it plain that they don’t respect her, or the effort she’s made to make them feel welcome in her home ?

Bang on indeed! 👏

One of them is legally an adult and the other one legally old enough to get married so frankly I’d say they are nasty little bitches who got what they deserved!

I’m inclined to think they may both telling the truth - that OP didn’t actually look DD up and down while smirking, but DD thought she did.

Equally there are far far worse things that SDs could have said about their SM and it this is worst OP is ahead.

Yeah, it was unpleasant but the point is @RanyaJerodung it should either have been shrugged off or dealt with directly with them - but not in the indirect way op tried to deal with it. It wasn’t nice and I would have called it out directly 🙄. But dealing with it in a roundabout way wasn’t ideal.

If this is the norm, then I must be a saint and know only saints because in my teen years while I like fashion and boys, making fun of other people including those with weight issues never interested me despite being slim.

Or perhaps this poster was a mean girl in her teen years, making life hell of other girls who were funny looking to her.

Nope. None of this. The misogyny is astounding by the way.

OP has not suggested she wants to stop the SDs visits altogether. She is considering stopping the unannounced visits when their father is not there.

Oh dear but these kind of upsets do happen. In a different scenario your comeback would have been spot on - the girls were rude. But throw in a step parent and an eating disorder and things went nuclear. All you can do is be completely honest (as you are being here), apologize for being insensitive but stress that everyone feels insecure about their body including you, that you love having them come over but they need to be kind too. And weather the storm.

Your husband is going to have to walk the fine line between staying neutral and supporting everyone.

I don't think mocking other people's physical appearance is ever funny. Small children might say something about loose skin our of sheer curiosity as they haven't yet reached the age to know that this would be unkind and would hurt someone's feelings.

OP's DH's daughters are 16 and 18 and are definitely old enough to know better. If they would be hurt by an unkind comment about their appearance, which they certainly would be, they should know not to make a spiteful remark about OP's loose skin in her own home.

There are unfortunate consequences to overeating for men and women. I’m not making any judgment about it, it’s simply a fact.

The misogyny on the thread is entirely focused on the teenage girls calling them “liars” and “bitches” etc.