AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

Exactly this. The excuses being made for the rudeness of these two is unbelievable. Not to mention some of the misogyny on display.

I also suspect they are both telling the truth, I also don’t see the op saying she didn’t look her up and down when smirking.

she also isn’t saying which of the girls said the mean comment. She deliberately says they said. That won’t be the case. It’s one sentence so one girl would have said it. I really hope for the ops sake it was the younger girl with the eating disorder who she smirked at and looked up and down.otherwise it was an unprovoked attack on a 16 year old when her older sister made the comment

@Aluna Ha, you're correct that people often aren't kind on MN!

I'm just saying that having observed various families, I've realized that teaching kindness and empathy to children is an important part of parenting, it can make a huge difference to family relationships.

Disgusting behaviour from the entitled brats,shame on your husband for taking their side. They're liars and manipulating their father, I would have no more to do with them,makes you wonder what else they've been saying about u.
Well done on weight loss,not easy as we get older,you should be proud of yourself x

But they already gave him their side even before he talked to you. So now he has heard both sides, so why does he need to hear them twice.

Is the SD 2 over weight? What’s her issue? Eating disordered people don’t behave like this body shaming and then turning it around on those they offended. She sounds entitled and can’t take consequences.

It’s all in the delivery isn’t it. Did you really say it a joking way or did you let your real hurt feelings come through? I mean teens say thoughtless things all the time - not an excuse but hey I’ve heard much much worse! They don’t have the same filter as adults. They left as they were embarrassed and wanted to leave. What you should have said was ‘hey hi guys come out and join me’ and totally ignored their comment.
The very last thing you want is for them to feel unwelcome in THEIR home. You cannot say no unannounced visits!

Fair point. The experience of being smirked at may well have led DD to interpret the situation as she did.

No. Your misogyny is the insinuation that OP should just suck up the rudeness and disrespect shown to her by her DH’s children - simply because they are his children, and that she should be grateful that what they said wasn’t worse.

Exactly, ignore the disrespect and be nice and sweet otherwise you are the wicked stepmother….

Bollocks to that, that’s how inconsiderate children are raised.

Op you did nothing wrong.

You were in your own home, they came in uninvited, made derogatory remarks and got called out for it.

Your dsd learned a lesson, especially the one with the eating disorder.

They shouldn't be making comments about someone else's body and size and then complaining when they (wrongly) believe that you were implying something about them.

They probably don't think that you were implying something, they're probably more embarrassed that they got caught and are spinning it that way to their Dad to take the blame off themselves.

They need to apologise to you and then you need to explain that your comments were not aimed at her and how they made you feel.

Congratulations on the weight loss and don't let them knock your confidence.

The message here seems to be that because they’re step kids they should be given a free pass for rudeness. OP has made them feel welcome in what is her home too. This wasn’t a thoughtless comment, it was a nasty conversation between the two of them, which OP wasn’t meant to hear. They didn’t leave because they were embarrassed, they left to get their story in with their dad before OP told him what had happened.

And OP absolutely can say no to unannounced visits. I would take back the house keys for a start so that they can’t just walk in as they please, and make it clear that they are perfectly welcome as long as their dad is there. You don’t reward rudeness. Free access to OP’s home is a privilege, and they abused it.

I'd be keeping the door locked when home alone. They can come when dh is home. I'd also be doing fuck all for them going forward..

No I merely explained that a more mature handling would have been to rise above it and not retaliate. But I do accept that you genuinely can’t understand that perspective.

So you’re rude too. OK.

Absolutely. They were happy to mock the OP. That is their choice but the consequence is that they are no longer welcome unannounced in the OP’s home. I’d say that is fair enough.

I find it baffling that so many are siding with the girls and saying you were in the wrong. What about basic respect for an adult? what about being kind? Just because DD2 had an eating disorder does not give them the right to make fun of you in your own home.

Actually it’s a right.

It’s their home and they have just as much right to be there as the OP.

Threads like this one are a prime example of why this notion of blending families, moving on and marrying people with children and bringing step parents into children’s lives needs to be outlawed.

The children are always considered to be the villains despite the fact that the only victims of step families are the children who never had any say in the matter.

The hysteria and overreaction over one comment is absolutely ridiculous. And the fact the OP is jumping to want to ban them from their own home (it’s their father’s home, ergo it’s their home) shows that clearly there is already no real relationship here.

I can't believe the replies on here. Their comments were nasty and it doesn't matter if they didn't think you could hear them - they still said them! I don't think you behaved badly at all and the fact that the DS2 lied to your DH makes it worse. I would have spoken to them directly about it but it doesn't make their behaviour right.

Clearly people have no idea what misogyny means.

On the contrary, my point was that the best way for OP to deal with the situation was to rise above it and not be rude herself.

It’s possible to acknowledge that their comments were out of line without automatically jumping to banning them from the house.

But on MN step children are always in the wrong. Except when they’re the woman’s children.

And if this thread was reversed and children had made a nasty comment to a woman’s DH and he said he wanted them banning from the house, while posters would acknowledge that they were out of line they would be calling the man controlling and advising the OP to ban him instead.

At 16 and 18 they are definitely old enough to have learnt some manners or face the consequences of their inconsiderate behaviour. I wouldn't go as far as not allowing unscheduled visits though. Instead, keep wearing the bikini, maybe throw in some "embarrassing" singing and dancing. Anything to offend their delicate dispositions and put them off from turning up unannounced. 😏

I don't believe in banning them from the house but neither do I believe the OP was totally wrong and she should just 'rise above' behaviour like that.

I can’t believe the OP is being criticised for making a “sly remark about bodies” to someone with an ED. She was echoing their own views back at them.

The girls are old enough to know better.

And if it’s wrong to mention bodies to the younger one then why isn’t the older sibling being read the riot act for having that type of conversation with her sister?! And indeed the one who has an ED should know better than to talk like that.

This is bratty behaviour coming from a vain and shallow mindset - and certainly not an inevitable part of being a teenager.

You don’t think that the one with ED may be extra obsessed with bodies then?

Still, it is lovely that people believe their teens would never bitch behind someone’s back.