AIBU to suggest sharing the home office so the children can split bedrooms?

[Findlebarr]

Wise women of MN, I need help in settling a marital disagreement…

DH and I both have ‘hybrid’ work patterns. In a typical week we both WFH Monday & Friday and some weeks there will be an additional day.

We did a garage conversion a few years ago which created a smallish office where DH works. I have a desk set up in the spare bedroom. Up to now this has worked well and both spaces have pros and cons. DH got the office because he tends to WFH more days than I do.

The disagreement… I would really like the convert the spare bedroom into a bedroom for DC1. We have 2 DC and they have always shared but they’re getting to an age where they want their own space and it’s becoming more and more of an issue (quarrelling and moaning etc). I suggested to DH that we could move my desk into the office and share it. He is absolutely not having it. I think it would be perfectly fine - we both work in open plan set ups when we’re in the office. We both use headsets for calls/zooms. There is enough room for 2 desks side by side. DH says we would distract and annoy each other and it would be too hard when we were both on a call at the same time.

If it makes any difference we don’t tend to get on each others’ nerves or bicker etc. I don’t understand why he’s so sure it would be awful. I also asked him if he expects DC to share a room until they leave home and he didn’t really have an answer for that.

Which one of us is being unreasonable here?

YABU - sharing an office with DH will never work
YANBU - there’s no reason a couple can’t share a home office

Can your desk move into your bedroom? Presumably that room isn’t usually being used while you’re both working?

Ask DH how he proposes to solve the issue, making children share when there are sufficient bedrooms to have their own is unusual.

YANBU for wanting to move out of the spare bedroom to give dc rooms of their own. But I think you'll need to think of a different solution to sharing an office with DH.

Could you change your WFH days so you aren't both there at the same time?

Get a smaller bed in your bed room and set your desk up there. DH can sleep in his garden office. Only half joking 😬

Our bedroom is too small unfortunately as we have wardrobe and dresser etc.

When I ask DH for a solution he says “just leave things as they are” which I don’t think is reasonable tbh. I agree with you the kids should have their own rooms. When they were very little it didn’t seem to matter but they are growing up!

Hahahaha part of me likes this idea… but I’d rather avoid that level of disagreement if possible!

So do you agree with him that it’s not practical to share the office? Can I ask why? I honestly think it would be fine but maybe I’m not seeing it clearly.

I couldn’t change my days but he has more flexibility than I do… might suggest this and see what reaction I get…

Id be wondering what he does in his office that he doesnt want you to see.
Maybe he spends half his day playing minesweeper or something.

DH and myself have shared an office for a few years. It's small but has enough room for 2 desks. If we're both on a call, one of us moves to the living room for the duration of the call. Usually the one who's call starts second!
Problem is, your DH isn't going to be the one to move when you're already on a call ...

I see your point - to the extent you are going to have to convert the room to a bedroom, but also his.

DH and I both WFH and headsets or no it would be head wrecking to work side by side. We have a small office and a den at the bottom of the garden and the kitchen table, so we rotate between them, but always in a separate space.

long term either change your work patterns so you can dovetail in the office, convert your attic, get a den in your garden or move house.

hope that helps 🤣

Do you have a full desk setup with x2 monitors etc? Or work from a laptop?

Any possibility of setting up in one of the living spaces, dining room/kitchen?

I don’t think I’d get a lot of work done with my spouse, so I can see where he is coming from. I also think the kids should have their own bedrooms.

Your children's bedrooms should take priority over your WFH set up for many reasons.

Look at the available space again and try to see how you can fit 2 desks in it.

Can you/or him go in the office more often ?
Is there anywhere else you can possibly think of for either of you to work from ?

He's being very selfish or to give it all more thought.

X

I think this is so personal, and there isn’t a single solution for everyone.

When we had our third, we gave up our spare room (previously my office, very tiny room), and I moved down into the ‘office’ downstairs (the second reception room, which isn’t really needed so DH had it as an office). We were both fine with this plan.

it turned out that DH is very distracted and annoyed by me. I don’t really care about his presence and just get in with my work, but he’s got ADHD and is very fidgety, distractable, unfocused, etc. he can’t stand me just typing away or any tiny background noise.

Luckily he knows it’s a ‘him’ problem, so I now have the office and he rotates around the living room and bedroom and kitchen table depending on his mood - that would drive me mad, but it suits him.

Can you trial it for 1 month and then review it? Don’t give DC any false hopes so I’d leave them as is until you’ve trailed it.

Do you have space under your stairs you could squeeze in a mini office?

Oh, but I do agree the kids having their own rooms should be the priority. And then it’s sorting out a solution after that being assumed

I couldn’t share with my DH because he is so bloody loud and is on calls pretty much non stop. And I talk about a lot of confidential stuff he’s not allowed to hear!!

we have one study which I make DH use because we both prefer using the kitchen island🤣. Do you have a full set which would be a pain to move? Is there nowhere else in the house you could set up?

if the study is big enough then it seems selfish he gets to hog it

you have to give your kids a bedroom each though

Is there room to put a false wall in the garage conversion so you each get a seperate space? Even one of those free standing room divider things?

I suppose it is personal but DH and I wfh together in the same room full time. Started in Covid and both our companies decided to convert to fully remote working. 6 years on, still works fine, one of us will just temporarily move to the kitchen for remote meetings. Mostly we’re both just busy working with the odd pause for ‘who’s turn is it to make a cup of tea!’

For me, giving the kids their own bedrooms would be the obvious priority.

Whether it involves sharing the office, finding a new office space, changing WFH days, working in the actual office or whatever, it’s ludicrous that they are sharing when there are enough bedrooms for them. I honestly think this preoccupation with working from home does more harm than good half the time.

I wouldn't work next to DH for all the money in the world. WFH opposite days?

Can you put a desk into whichever of the kids bedrooms is then the biggest?

Presumably you won’t both be working from home when both kids are there, so this would work well if you are both portable; you can then negotiate who uses which space each day/week

Omg this never even crossed my mind. Maybe he’s a secret slacker and doesn’t want me to know 😂 Or maybe he’s lost his job and just goes in there to look busy all day… is this going to be the start of a revelation?!!

I really, truly don’t think so. I think he just likes having the space to himself.

How big is the study?