AIBU to send my daughter to grandparents despite cousin jealousy?

[tinkercats]

Hi, I’m looking for some advice on how best to handle this.
I have 2 DC, DD is 10 and DS is 12. Every summer they spend a few weeks at my in-laws holiday home, the cousins are always around and it is generally lovely. We live close to DHs brother and his wife, their daughter is 9 and goes to the same school as our DD. For years they were very close, but over the last year or so they have drifted.
Tonight DD and I were in her room together and she opened up to me and got quite upset. She told me didn’t want to go to her grandparents this summer. When I asked why she was hesitant to answer, then eventually said she doesn’t like her cousin. I asked more and I think DD is a bit jealous of her cousin.

For context my niece is an only child and very clearly her parents primary focus in life, she has expensive private tennis lessons, the best ballet school in our city, however she is just also talented for her age, she’s a very good piano player, a very pretty singer, and a bit fearless. She is a competitive child, but she is kind and very sweet so I don’t think there are any issues in the sense of bullying, rather DD just feels a bit jealous of the attention her cousin gets (she is also the youngest grandchild).

DD is of course also very talented but maybe in ways that are less rewarded, she doesn’t love sports or music or art, but loves maths, geography, learning new things, is fascinated by history and enjoys reading. She is also very kind, a friend to all and loves helping her grandparents.

DD is also a bit sensitive as although she is over a year older than her cousin, her cousin is noticeably taller than her so she feels she gets viewed as the “baby”. I think there is also a wound as my son has on occasion said he would prefer his cousin were his sister. I’ve told him off for saying this. I think for DS it’s because he has more in common with his cousin, his cousin is more willing to kick a ball around with him, climb a tree or race him up and down the drive way. He and DD get on perfectly well when it’s just them.

I tried to reassure DD that she has many many qualities, is smart, funny, kind, that her grandparents love her dearly and she would be very very missed if she didn’t go.

AIBU to still send her? She is now old enough where we don’t need the child care per se, she could occupy herself while I work from home but I think it would be so sad for her to miss out and I know DS will want to go.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

Agree. I wouldn’t be sending her - I would be checking a few more times that she’s really thought about it and then i would be respecting her wishes

I think though that she will come across similar situations in life where she is jealous of a peer at school, or an employee at work when shes older. It seems better to teach her how to navigate these situations rather than to avoid them.

@Livelovebehappy she can do that when she has emotional security and strength when older it's too much for her right now. She can retreat and build up her defences.
I was forced to see someone who was mean as a child and it didn't teach me anything

I'm guessing the kids speak French when over there?

If so, it's a huge incentive to still send her.

You think speaking French is more important than a child’s feelings? I do get other posts saying you have to get on with people we are jealous of but we don’t have to holiday people we don’t want to as adults especially not to learn another language. Honestly I read more and more crap on here every day

I said it's an incentive. I'm not devaluing the child's feelings whatsoever.

Calme toi

Omg! I can totally relate to your DD. I grew up with cousins,.went to school with them,.holidays and similarly was away for the best part of the summer. I loved it and hated it in equal measure, esp it wasn't my grandparents that looked after us . I was the only child, totally geeky, rubbish at sport and a bit kooky. I loved the freedom but also felt overwhelmed by how "on it" my cousins were ALL the time. I had to join in with random shit despite my discomfort ( I just wanted to sit and read) and decades later I can say that frankly it's been good for me....I am quite resilient and adaptable..
Sport and climbing trees and having to deal with discomfort are good for you... My parents encouraged me academically and I have done very well but what I want is for them to have allowed me to find my love for and appreciation of sport on my own terms. Same with other hobbies.
So maybe send your daughter to France for a week or 2 and then spend the rest of the summer trying to find HER thing - swimming, karate, art, whatever... Or give her the opportunity for her to excel in her "field". A gardening project, doing a creative writing course and writing a short novela. Anything really that will give her a break from the cousin. This is where the value will come from...
Good luck x

I would tell my child I love her/him the most. Regardless how amazing cousins or anyone is.
I would love her/him even if she/him would be stupid/couldn't do something.
Then I would do experiment. Ask your child do something purposely bad, bad drawing, bad singing, bad dancing, then exaggeratedly think about it and declared 'no change in how much I love you.'
BTW It seems like a lot of pressure to do so much, and be good in it. Do kids even enjoy the activities, or just positive response from others?

I wouldn't send my child to grandparents this time.

How did the summer pan out @tinkercats?

Is it that her brother and cousin pall up and do things they enjoy and she's left out a lot of the time? That would be very sad and I wouldn't inflict it on her. If she can happily stay at home and maybe have friends over a bit that should be fine.

I suppose its about thinking what the end goal here is, your DD feeling better because she gets to avoid her cousin on this occasion, or your DD learning to manage the existence of people in her life like her cousin without it impacting her confidence. I mean, obviously, it's the second, but that's a big job, and I can see why you'd kick the can down the road for now if that's what you decide.
I think you will have to have plans in place to manage this at some point. Would it be an option to confide in grandparents, so they can support you with it? For instance, keeping cousins singing and piano playing for them rather than the other DC having to watch it? Doing activities where your DD has chance to shine, praising her and not treating her as the baby?

Won’t the weather situation affect this holiday anyway?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cvgzd34kq5dt

Do they go for 3-4 weeks? That’s a long time. Maybe she doesn’t want to go for that length of time. But if she’s said she doesn’t want to go the I would not send my child, she’s said how she feels it may be jealousy it may be something else but regardless she doesn’t want to go.
At 10 they are becoming more autonomous and that should be encouraged.
You might need childcare but sending her away for a month when she doesn’t want to go isn’t really the best way

She changed her mind!! She seems to be having a wonderful time, all worked out in the end!