AIBU to send my daughter to grandparents despite cousin jealousy?

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Hi, I’m looking for some advice on how best to handle this.
I have 2 DC, DD is 10 and DS is 12. Every summer they spend a few weeks at my in-laws holiday home, the cousins are always around and it is generally lovely. We live close to DHs brother and his wife, their daughter is 9 and goes to the same school as our DD. For years they were very close, but over the last year or so they have drifted.
Tonight DD and I were in her room together and she opened up to me and got quite upset. She told me didn’t want to go to her grandparents this summer. When I asked why she was hesitant to answer, then eventually said she doesn’t like her cousin. I asked more and I think DD is a bit jealous of her cousin.

For context my niece is an only child and very clearly her parents primary focus in life, she has expensive private tennis lessons, the best ballet school in our city, however she is just also talented for her age, she’s a very good piano player, a very pretty singer, and a bit fearless. She is a competitive child, but she is kind and very sweet so I don’t think there are any issues in the sense of bullying, rather DD just feels a bit jealous of the attention her cousin gets (she is also the youngest grandchild).

DD is of course also very talented but maybe in ways that are less rewarded, she doesn’t love sports or music or art, but loves maths, geography, learning new things, is fascinated by history and enjoys reading. She is also very kind, a friend to all and loves helping her grandparents.

DD is also a bit sensitive as although she is over a year older than her cousin, her cousin is noticeably taller than her so she feels she gets viewed as the “baby”. I think there is also a wound as my son has on occasion said he would prefer his cousin were his sister. I’ve told him off for saying this. I think for DS it’s because he has more in common with his cousin, his cousin is more willing to kick a ball around with him, climb a tree or race him up and down the drive way. He and DD get on perfectly well when it’s just them.

I tried to reassure DD that she has many many qualities, is smart, funny, kind, that her grandparents love her dearly and she would be very very missed if she didn’t go.

AIBU to still send her? She is now old enough where we don’t need the child care per se, she could occupy herself while I work from home but I think it would be so sad for her to miss out and I know DS will want to go.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

In some ways, this can feel quite exclusionary- they're a little team inviting her to join in, but she still feels on the outside and it's always her having to do things she doesn't vibe with in order not to be left out. It would help if they made an effort to do things that she wants to do as well, so that they can play together. That way it's balanced and equal.

No, DS is really looking forward to it and wants to go, so he would still go.

Still send her and they’ll probably have sorted it out during the trip. If you don’t send her they’ll never resolve it

I’m not really sure there is a solution to this though? DD isn’t really interested in doing activities that are fun for a group, she wants to read or help in the garden, and since she never joins in with DS and her cousin, I’m not sure it’s fair to ask them to join in with her. In fact this is what created the whole argument between her and DS anyway is that DD complains DS never spent time with her, but then refused to join any of his activities while expecting him to join hers.

She sounds like a clever little girl & to be honest the things she loves (and is presumably good at) will probably get her far further in adult life than being good at sport or music. She’s much more like to gain a lucrative career by being good at maths, reading etc, than sport or music. I suppose I’m trying to say she might feel overshadowed now but the tables might very turn as she gets older and sits exams etc. I have a shy DD who isn’t very sporty but excels highly at all academic subjects and I’ve told her similar to bolster her self esteem (not that I would be any less proud of her if she wasn’t as academic). And as you’ve said, kindness and generally being a nice person is the most important thing.

So she doesn’t want to play with them but she doesn’t want them to play with each other?

tell her she needs to focus on herself and stop worrying about what other people are doing

speak to the grandparents and say she’s feeling a bit low in confidence - I’m sure they’ll understand. Remind her that jealousy is an emotional reaction to our own fears if inadequacy and it’s not the other persons fault

In DDs mind it would be nicer if they all sat and read together or at very least they didn’t go and do anything that got attention. Because they are always racing, or playing tennis, climbing trees, it tends to get a lot of attention, especially on her cousin who tends to get commended for being able to keep up with DS.

Well that’s unreasonable of her! I think she needs to give her head a wobble

But that's my point, in order to spend time with her brother she always has to meet him where he is. Her sense is that he doesn't care enough to meet her where she is.

In loving relationships and friendships as adults, we do things we don't always love doing in order to spend time and bond with the other person, and to show then that we care about and respect them.

When one party doesn't do this, it becomes a one-sided relationship. You see it all the time in posts on here and it really hurts, it breaks people's hearts.

Your daughter is saying her relationship feels one sided. She's probably right. It's not a bad thing to encourage your son to meet her where is too. She then might be willing to join in with his games again.

I'm not saying force it, but this is something you can explain to him and help her to articulate.

It's a teaching moment for both of them.

I was jealous of my cousin for years as a child. She was the same age and was an adopted only child. She wasn't particularly brighter or better at anything but she was absolutely spoiled and indulged, whereas I had two younger brothers. But luckily we got on with each other. Explain your daughter how everyone is special in their own way, and that what your niece is better at doesn't make her a better person. It sounds like your daughter is more academic, tell her this and tell her that sometimes people who are clever don't necessarily function well in social situations. It doesn't mean that she's lesser, just different. I would encourage her to go and has others have said, you fly out with her and stay a couple of days to see how she feels.

She’s looking at this all from her own perspective and it’s a little selfish tbh

wont her grandparents be upset if she doesn’t go? It sounds like she and her grandma spend a lot of time together

i was a big reader but I would never have expected someone else to sit and read next to me if they didn’t really like reading. Just like I wouldn’t have wanted people to make a fuss if I didn’t want to do as they wanted. Everyone is on holiday to enjoy themselves - if she wants to police what everyone else is doing so they only get the attention she deems appropriate I think you need to tell her that not on

Several weeks with the GPs / cousins & no parents present sounds intense and much too much IMO. With the sibling and cousin dynamics/negotiations not working (eg none of the three seem willing to compromise for the others), GPs ‘complimenting’ etc.

Would give DD the option to go for a shorter time.

Have you explained to her how ridiculous this is? She’s a bit old for this somewhat toddler like behaviour?

While it's nice for cousins to spend time together with their grandparents. I think going forward, it would be better for your daughter, if your own family spend some time separately with your inlaws.
I used to enjoy seeing my Cousins but as we grew older, our different interests meantt we didnt have that much in common.
I would have really disliked that any time i spent with my grandparents meant my cousins were always there also.
My children also spent a lot of time with cousins when younger but as they grew older, didn't want to so much. Would even ask if any / what cousins would also be there, if we were going to visit grandparents. We would just organise to go another time for them. They still saw cousins sometimes but not every visit.

Don't send your daughter this year. Well done to her for letting you know how she feels.
Explain to your inlaws that with the 2 cousins having such different interests, it would probably work best, if you visit/ bring them over separate dates.
Aim to do that from next summer. Your son will be 13 and will be less likely wanting to spend time with his 10 year cousin.

This thread has been very interesting with a lot of thoughtful responses from all angles. I can understand why your DD is hesitant to go this summer if she feels a bit surplus to requirements. As PPs have said, one solution might be for her to go for a shorter period of time so she wouldn't miss out on the trip altogether.

However, this post puts a slightly different complexion on things. She is being quite unreasonable to want her brother and cousin to spend their time only in ways that she approves of. Why should they sit and read just because that's what your DD chooses to do? And she doesn't want them to do anything that gets attention, presumably from the adults? That is quite unfair of her.

If she likes to read and help in the garden, more power to her. She can obviously invite the others to join her. But the other children should be free to participate in activities of their choice, and I would definitely make that clear to her.

You need to respect her wishes. If you make her go she will never trust you again. When /if even more important worries crop up she will not confine in you. She will have learnt you cannot be relied upon to take her feelings into consideration so she will have lost trust in you entirely. Is that what you want?

The problem is that she is being quite unreasonable and if you let her stay home you are essentially saying that unreasonable behaviour is fine

She’s 10!!

Perhaps she needs a summer at home this year. I would listen to her. I would try to make it a really fun memorable summer doing things with her friends and to her strengths and interests. It’ll be a good confidence boost for her.

Yes - but her attitude would stink as an adult so you teach her now why she is being unreasonable. She’s going to end up spoiling the holiday for her grandparents, brother and cousins whether she goes or not at this rate.

even worse if it gets back to them why she’s not going - I would imagine that would be very hurtful to the grandparents and potentially the cousin

The dynamic sounds tricky. None of the three DC seemingly seems willing to do things that the others prefer, it’s not just DD.

It's very difficult. I was your daughter in this situation. Had a cousin, also very talented and bright as she was an only child with lots of pressure and opportunities. It didn't help that some of her hobbies were the same as mine and then she overtook me even though she was younger.

Personally I found it very cringe when my cousin would ' perform' to family and her parents would gush about her.

We get on well now and with retrospect it's easier to see that she felt massive pressure and struggled with self esteem issues. She gained some weight during pregnancy and her parents were very critical which effected their relationship.

I think I would agree that she doesn't go but perhaps take her with you when you go for the larger family gathering. While her brother is away I would ensure she does lots of things that play to her strengths and boost her self esteem.

I would say the thing that helped me the most was to cultivate my own talents. Try to steer her into productive paths. If she likes reading would she like to try writing too? Is she arty? Could she make a photo album or calendar of the family?

Maybe let her do some gardening in her own patch at home so she can talk about growing vegetables with her grandma, spend time with friends who appreciate her, write stories that she can share with the family, or thinks like inviting the grandma to a play she is interested in. Science camp, Clubs with other kids with similar interests so she feels less alone in her interests.

Give her lots of things that she can talk about and remember fondly. If she is happy and confident then people will responde to that.

I was the quiet kid hiding in a corner reading so I know what that's like. It did me good in the long run however and you daughter sounds fab. I wish I had a friend like her at that age.

Do the children know that this is likely to happen or is this something only the adults are privy to atm?

If your niece and DD are aware then maybe worth pointing out to DD that in a year's time she is likely to be spending much less time with her cousin.

It might make her reassess her current thinking about the summer. I agree with other posters that it is important that her concerns are listened to although a compromise over the plans may be better than simply not going.

I don't think it's healthy to avoid situations because someone there makes us jealous. How far do you allow that to go? Never being around her cousin at Christmas? Changing schools if she ends up feeling this way about a classmate? We can't just shut out people we perceive as better than us, especially family.

3/4 weeks is a long time for a 10yo to be stuck with a girl she doesn't like very much, and an older brother who puts her down... She's old enough to express an opinion about who she'd rather spend her time with.

But also, 10 is old enough to be learning that there are always going to be people in life who are more popular/cleverer/better at sport/prettier than you, and that the sooner you learn to deal with that, generally the happier you'll be.

Personally, I think I'd lean towards keeping her at home, with the understanding that "home" might well not be as fun as the south of France, but you're respecting her right to chose.