AIBU to send my daughter to grandparents despite cousin jealousy?

[tinkercats]

Hi, I’m looking for some advice on how best to handle this.
I have 2 DC, DD is 10 and DS is 12. Every summer they spend a few weeks at my in-laws holiday home, the cousins are always around and it is generally lovely. We live close to DHs brother and his wife, their daughter is 9 and goes to the same school as our DD. For years they were very close, but over the last year or so they have drifted.
Tonight DD and I were in her room together and she opened up to me and got quite upset. She told me didn’t want to go to her grandparents this summer. When I asked why she was hesitant to answer, then eventually said she doesn’t like her cousin. I asked more and I think DD is a bit jealous of her cousin.

For context my niece is an only child and very clearly her parents primary focus in life, she has expensive private tennis lessons, the best ballet school in our city, however she is just also talented for her age, she’s a very good piano player, a very pretty singer, and a bit fearless. She is a competitive child, but she is kind and very sweet so I don’t think there are any issues in the sense of bullying, rather DD just feels a bit jealous of the attention her cousin gets (she is also the youngest grandchild).

DD is of course also very talented but maybe in ways that are less rewarded, she doesn’t love sports or music or art, but loves maths, geography, learning new things, is fascinated by history and enjoys reading. She is also very kind, a friend to all and loves helping her grandparents.

DD is also a bit sensitive as although she is over a year older than her cousin, her cousin is noticeably taller than her so she feels she gets viewed as the “baby”. I think there is also a wound as my son has on occasion said he would prefer his cousin were his sister. I’ve told him off for saying this. I think for DS it’s because he has more in common with his cousin, his cousin is more willing to kick a ball around with him, climb a tree or race him up and down the drive way. He and DD get on perfectly well when it’s just them.

I tried to reassure DD that she has many many qualities, is smart, funny, kind, that her grandparents love her dearly and she would be very very missed if she didn’t go.

AIBU to still send her? She is now old enough where we don’t need the child care per se, she could occupy herself while I work from home but I think it would be so sad for her to miss out and I know DS will want to go.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

I would encourage her to sit with it for a few days and let her know that you won't force her to go.

At the moment, not going seems like a solution to the 'main' problem she's having, but perhaps she didn't think you'd actually consider it. If it's on the table as a real option, she might actually decide that it's not that she doesn't want to go at all, but that she'd like X to happen or to plan y.

Are there local attractions or events that she might enjoy with one or other of her grandparents? Could you arrange something specifically for her whole she's there that would appeal to her interests a bit more and give her the opportunity to nurture her interests?

It’s an awfully long time to be away from home and her parents. Maybe she just wants to be at home and to see friends locally? Can’t she and your son go to see the GP together, without cousin? For a week, or just a few days? Three is an awkward dynamic whatever happens!

I think its tricky so wouldn't rush ... Could she go later? I think the idea of finding out if there's something she would want to do as a simmer camp type thing here .. some museums ir institutes run stuff in the summer or a project or something.. if she did cubs/scouts theres often a summer camp..
Thet do seem to spend a lot of time together maybe look at developing interests/friendships outside the family more for options.... Things like cubs can be really good for kids with a wide range of interests..but equally lego club or things that interest her...or academic type holiday workshops

I would lean in to boosting her self esteem and recognition of what she likes...then she could go down later maybe a week before the whole family week to spend time with the grandparents... Either as an unaccompanied child or one of you fly her down.??

Could she not go for a shorter amount of time or if possible a chat with the grandparents so that there is a week where it’s not all the grandchildren I know that drags out being grandparents as parents for longer so might be a no go.

It’s tough a group of 3 children one will always basically be left out even if they were siblings due to different interests while some overlap.

But it’s pretty shit to really always be the third wheel with no shared enjoyment so you’re always on the sideline or doing stuff you don’t enjoy just to get to spend time together.

We had a very similar issue with my DD and her cousin. Six months between them and and inseparable, went to the same school and lived practically next door. In late junior school they started to drift apart. This was very difficult for my DD, her cousin was a more extraverted, confident child and joined in everything and had loads of friends. Whereas my DD was more introverted and was fine in 1-1 but didn't like big crowds of children. My DD is an only so I encouraged and almost insisted that she went to big family gatherings when she didn't want to go, because I wanted her to be part of her extended family. This is something I regret and have subsequently spoken about with my now adult DD. What l did came from a good motive, but I wasn't really listening to her. So if I had my time again I would have tried harder to see things from her perspective. Your DDs feelings are valid. Your DD is comparing herself to her cousin, it is difficult for you to watch because you have the perspective on this ie that she has her own talents and lovable qualities, but your DD doesn't have that perspective yet. It is a real challenge to install self confidence into someone who doesn't naturally have it. It often seems the case that confidence is the key to self belief and ironically isn't always attached to actual ability or even kindness or empathy, think Trump! Maybe what I would do is have another go at you and her grandparents speaking with your DD about the holiday ( without putting pressure on which was my mistake) and if she is still reluctant then I would keep her at home. This will give her a chance to reflect on her choice as much as someone of that age can, keep her going to family gatherings to keep contact up in a less overwhelming and shorter time period. My DD found her own stride and tribe in her teens. Now that they are both grown up she and her cousin are very close again and have a strong bond forged in early childhood but both had to find their own feet before they could reforge it in adulthood.

It sounds as though your DD spends a lot of time with her cousin - they travel to school together as cousin’s nanny collects DD on the way, at school together (are they in different years?), have Sunday lunches together, and spend half the long summer holidays together. It sounds suffocating! Will they be going to the same secondary school as well?

The 3-4 weeks might be manageable if the girls weren’t spending all that time together.

I would suggest sending your DD for a shorter period of time and arranging a holiday camp suited to her interests for the weeks she’s at home. Maybe mention that as your DD is older and more independent , she doesn’t need as much holiday care as her cousin (though this only works if your DS is younger).

Do your DC ever spend time with your side of the family?

No they aren’t in the same year, DD is a year above her cousin, it’s unlikely they will go to the same secondary school as brother in law and his wife are looking at returning to their home country when niece completes primary school.

We don’t see as much of my family, I’m an only child and my parents aren’t particularly fussed in the children! They would rather go out for dinner with us once a month than have us all over!

then the rest of the year every Sunday lunch and family gathering would be cousins talking about things she wasn’t part of
I really doubt it’ll be the main topic of conversation for the rest of the year 🙄

She’d rather not go, she shouldn’t have to.

She probably gets a bit left out with it being the 3 of them and DN and DS go off playing together … is there not a 4th that can go?
Ask DS to make sure she is not being left out while they go on their tree climbing expedition.

We all have to get on with people - we don't have to go on holiday with them for several weeks though!

I'm quite sure if this was an adult with an irritating SIL - the responses would be very different.

The child is already spending alot of time with her in her every day life and getting on with that.

Is it possible for her to go but allowing her to call you any time she wants to come home?

I would encourage her to go and point out the lovely things she’s doing that she enjoys and how lovely it is to be making those special memories with mil. She doesn’t want to play football etc so actually it’s pretty good that the other kids all go off and keep her brother amused so she can spend her time doing as she pleases!

jealousy isn’t a nice feeling and it’s not a nice trait if allowed to fester. As long as she logically understands that there is nothing to be jealous of it’s ok to confront those feelings. Does she even want to be good at the things her cousin is good at? If she can understand exactly where the jealousy is coming from it will help her deal with it and maybe also help her make decisions as to things she would like to try

and we all went to school with someone who was good at everything and won all the prizes - it’s unfortunate she’s related. In most cases they lead perfectly ordinary lives like the rest of us!!

I wouldn't send her if you don't need to. She needs to know that you are on her side right now. I think it's not just jealousy either, but she is worried about feeling left out, bored and lonely if her brother and cousin team up without her.

I think she needs to be allowed to make her own decision. Maybe take her with you for the last week. If she has a happy memory of that she might want to go again next year.

I think she's old enough to decide for herself but have another chat with her about it - maybe discuss the pros and cons of going before she makes her final decision.

Why does it matter if the cousin and yourself are only children in the context of the story, OP?

I would still be encouraging her to go but speak with grandparents and encorage them to talk to her and if necessary tell her she can go home if she wants to alter an agreed number of days.

I like this approach. Not sure what message it sends if she's confided difficult feelings in you and you then say 'yeah, no change, suck it up and go anyway'. Whereas if given the choice, she may still decide to go, even if for a shorter time, but then it'll feel better being her decision.

Four weeks is a long time (when does she get time with her own friends?) and she spends plenty of time with cousin anyway. Perhaps too much. You've said a parent goes with them for a few years - has this been you, or their dad, in the last year or two?

Well for me, because someone asked if we see my family much so I was illustrating that there isn’t much family to see!
For niece because I think it impacts the nature of the interactions, there are older cousins in their mid teens and up but obviously they have little interest in DD, and as niece has no siblings if she runs off with DS there is often no one left for DD.
I also think niece being the youngest and an only child means she gets even more attention and praise as the family view it as the baby of the family doing big girl things and her own parents only have one child to talk about.

I think it’s tough and I grew up with the same situation. My dad’s side are Jewish and my Uncle married a Jewish woman so cousins were also Jewish whereas my parents split when I was a baby and my mum isn’t Jewish, so I’m not either.

I always felt a bit black sheep but then my cousins also seemed jealous of me which I found weird. They’d say things about me being Granny’s favourite grandchild and such which I didn’t get. I spent more time with her on account of my dad living there at weekends when he travelled up from London to see me but I didn’t think I was her ‘favourite’. I was also his only child so he’d spoil me rotten like your niece.

Anyway, I guess kids pick up on vibes sometimes because during a phone conversation last year my Gran kindly informed me I’ve always been her favourite grandchild. What do you do with that sort of information? I just awkwardly giggled…

I say tread carefully with her emotions but of course she needs to overcome it. Children deal with jealousy quite often and it’s important to learn how to cope before adulthood. Just remind her of her own talents and that we’re all born differently but special in our own ways. Also, make note of differential treatment from grandparents if that exists…

Dont send her. She doesnt want to go.

If your daughter doesn't go does that mean your son won't go either?

@tinkercats i wouldn’t send her .
If she regrets not going, can’t she go later on in the three week time scale .
I’d rather be home than somewhere I felt uncomfortable .
Can she see the grandparents at other times with you ?
You may feel she is missing out , however it doesn’t seem like your dd feels that way.

If you don’t make her go it feels like you are essentially letting her negative feelings win tbh.

and if that’s the worst thing your DS has said to his sister then things are pretty good! Your dd needs to understand that people say things they don’t really mean - ultimately he might have more in common with his cousin but he also doesn’t live with her!!!

I think spending a summer like they do is such a wonderful opportunity and will be looked back on with great fondness. It’s normal there will be ups and downs - I remember having huge fights with my cousin because she was a dirty rotten cheat! But I also remember the last summer with my grandad and those memories are very precious as his death was unexpected

I suspect that this is a lot to do with how much time they spend together, and comparisons that are made by other people. I used to hate it that teachers called me by my older sisters names, it made me feel like I was 'just' my siblings less impressive sister rather than an individual in my own right. I wonder if anything like this happens with your daughter? I could certainly see it happening with cousins who are close in age, even though your daughter is the elder. It's good that they are unlikely to be at secondary together as that space will be good for your daughter.

I have no advice on what to do this summer. Part of me thinks let her stay home if she wants, but I agree with others that she may feel worse from missing out. A compromise of still going but for less time seems like the best option of it can work logistically.

Overall, I would make sure she knows how loved and valued she is and try and boost her self worth. Comparison is the thief of joy, but it's easy to say when other people are making the comparisons. I personally think the most impressive thing anyone can be is authentically themselves, so would encourage her to do the things that she loves and gets joy from.