AIBU to send my daughter to grandparents despite cousin jealousy?

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Hi, I’m looking for some advice on how best to handle this.
I have 2 DC, DD is 10 and DS is 12. Every summer they spend a few weeks at my in-laws holiday home, the cousins are always around and it is generally lovely. We live close to DHs brother and his wife, their daughter is 9 and goes to the same school as our DD. For years they were very close, but over the last year or so they have drifted.
Tonight DD and I were in her room together and she opened up to me and got quite upset. She told me didn’t want to go to her grandparents this summer. When I asked why she was hesitant to answer, then eventually said she doesn’t like her cousin. I asked more and I think DD is a bit jealous of her cousin.

For context my niece is an only child and very clearly her parents primary focus in life, she has expensive private tennis lessons, the best ballet school in our city, however she is just also talented for her age, she’s a very good piano player, a very pretty singer, and a bit fearless. She is a competitive child, but she is kind and very sweet so I don’t think there are any issues in the sense of bullying, rather DD just feels a bit jealous of the attention her cousin gets (she is also the youngest grandchild).

DD is of course also very talented but maybe in ways that are less rewarded, she doesn’t love sports or music or art, but loves maths, geography, learning new things, is fascinated by history and enjoys reading. She is also very kind, a friend to all and loves helping her grandparents.

DD is also a bit sensitive as although she is over a year older than her cousin, her cousin is noticeably taller than her so she feels she gets viewed as the “baby”. I think there is also a wound as my son has on occasion said he would prefer his cousin were his sister. I’ve told him off for saying this. I think for DS it’s because he has more in common with his cousin, his cousin is more willing to kick a ball around with him, climb a tree or race him up and down the drive way. He and DD get on perfectly well when it’s just them.

I tried to reassure DD that she has many many qualities, is smart, funny, kind, that her grandparents love her dearly and she would be very very missed if she didn’t go.

AIBU to still send her? She is now old enough where we don’t need the child care per se, she could occupy herself while I work from home but I think it would be so sad for her to miss out and I know DS will want to go.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

As suggested above could you spilt her stay and do part with the other grandchildren then part at home. Could you investigate opportunities at home like a summer day camp week for 'geeks' (sorry, can't think of a better word). Although you don't need childcare as such if she did something solo here and focussed on her interests it might bolster her confidence rather than feeling left out/behind in the sporty stuff? Your dd sounds a lovely soul and it.is great she can articulate and express what she feels. Hope it works out and you all have a good summer x

Isn’t it quite normal at that age to feel jealous of cousins, family friends etc? Personally I don’t think it’s the right thing to remove yourself from a situation just because you’re jealous particularly involving family, it’s better to learn how to cope & manage that discomfort. However as pp said you could fly out with her, stay a few days or have her not stay as long.

I guess because they are at school together, have lunch every Sunday, get picked up for school together most days, your DD has probably had enough of constantly hearing about/being compared to her cousin.
Your DS comment was probably the icing on the cake.
I grew up with a sister I really love, but didn't often like. It was alway 'Marie does this so well, Marie is so good at swimming, Marie has so many friends.' Nobody said I was bad at anything but the inference is there.
I often felt jealous and wanted someone to notice me or prefer me.
I didn't do anything about it as a child can't really which is why your DD wants to distance herself. The cousin might also snidely be rubbing your DDs face in it.
Not going might not be the answer....perhaps speak to the grandparents....make them aware of how DD feels and give DD ideas for how to deal with it if she feels overlooked without minimising her feelings.

I'm surprised so many people have brought out the brother's comment as being so bad as I would class that in a pretty typical sibling feeling.
It's normal to find your siblings really irritating because you're stuck with them, and I'm sure if cousin was sister etc then he'd still have times he wishes they were swapped.

It's not quite as simple as just don't send her I think. If op keeps her at home she's going to feel even more out on her own, out of the bond and less likely to want to go next year too.

It's not quite as simple as just don't send her I think. If op keeps her at home she's going to feel even more out on her own, out of the bond and less likely to want to go next year too.

I would worry about this too op.

On the other hand, I do hear what @moose62 is saying when she says that dc have so little ability to rectify situations and that a desire for distancing is DD's attempt to manage this.

I think it’s an important learning experience, there will always be people in life who have more/are better than us, what are you teaching your child if you validate that the answer is to just run away? No wonder we have so many people eaten alive by jealousy if they’re not being helped to manage these feelings.

It’s great that she’s told you and I think you’re doing the right thing by saying she has XYZ talent her cousin doesn’t, keep validating that. Also agree with having a word with the grandparents asking them to be mindful of giving her special praise so she also feels important.

I do think 3-4 weeks is an awfully long time though, can that be cut shorter?

it probably wasn't hugely atypical as a sibling comment, but, as a pp has attested, sibling dynamics often can and do leave scars at times.

I was thinking the same - and even she could return when everyone gathers at the end for a few days. Then she’s done a bit of seeing everyone but not had the full weeks if she doesn’t want.

Sorry but to me I would still send her. There will be lots of people she will encounter in life who have it better than her. The issue of there being 3 children will always mean someone gets left out, happens with my kids and their cousin (though it can alternate which of my children the cousin favours each time we meet).

I agree with others about looking to shorten the time as it is a long time away from home but I would bring both children home.

I guess part of the issue will be what to do for childcare, will your DD be happy if you are working to now say if you don't stay with grandparents then you have to go to holiday club instead.

I’d talk to her again and check it’s what she wants but I wouldn’t send her if she didn’t want ti go. But you could all still go as a family for a week or two towards the end.

Spot on. I think we can all recognise OP’s DD’s feelings from our own childhoods. The absolutely brilliant thing, whatever OP and her family decide is that her DD can talk about this.

I would have another chat with her when she is calm and talk through both her wonderful qualities and also the realities of not going. I have a 10yo DD and I imagine she would feel like she didn't want to go, but didn't want to miss out, almost wishing no-one was going. When given time, I imagine she would prefer to go.

Are there things your DD could work on? My DD loves making PowerPoints and Cahoot quizzes that she shows and gets attention for? You might need some of the older ones on side though.

I think it’s a lot of time together. Can you juggle things at all so it’s not every single day being compared to this girl? Does your daughter have opportunities to shine? Engineering club or chess or whatever other things. I know it won’t help if the rest of the family is sporty together, but having her own life and own interests would help. I can see both sides too, but if she does stay home, I wouldn’t have her lying around the house for weeks while you work. I’d be signing her up for anything she’s not tried yet and is interested in at all.

Could there possibly be any other reason that she doesn't want to go and used the jealousy issue as an excuse not to go?

If you are completely sure there is nothing sinister going on then I would maybe be the parent that flies out with the kids, see how she is then either leave her or return home with her. I suspect once she is there she will want to stay.

Well what’s it going to be like if she doesn’t go? Her brother and cousin will extend their friendship and your DD will have to hear “ do you remember that time when… “ and some funny anecdote will ensue. My DD is a bit older at 14 and has an anxiety about situations and will never ever put her self forward for anything new. It could be a fun thing but if she doesn’t know everyone or she doesn’t have her best friend there she doesn’t want to do it. I would be concerned that there is a message that she finds it uncomfortable so steps away from it. I know you have a different scenario but if you needed the childcare would you even be debating this? There needs to be a conversation with your parents about praise of Perfect Bloody Polly and her amazing talents but your DD also needs to learn to manage her discomfort a bit.

This is a really tough one OP. Your daughter sounds amazing. Your niece sounds lovely too but even as an adult my first reaction is 'oh one of those, you know it all equals out as adults right?' which says alot about me and which child I was!!
So many sensible replies. I kind of feel perhaps you try to brainstorm it with your daughter. Make a honest list of positives and negatives, see if there's a way round some of the negatives. (Eg everyone leaves me alone while they go climb trees etc, ok, do you want to be with them? No but I don't want to be left out. In that time what would you usually be doing? With Nanny. Do you like that? Yes Ok well if it's a choice you're thinking about and prefer to be with nanny you arnt being left out. You are choosing to do something better.
Then try to compromise. Ok don't go out with the rest of them. I'll take you out a few days later. (Some compromise from you here too!)
Try to imbue the - so what if they are better / more successful/ prettier / more popular / richer than you. There is always going to be someone that is and you are that to someone else. Who cares? It doesn't make a difference to your life and how you live it unless you let it.
Good luck. Daughters are hard!!

If she didn't want to go due to bullying, or her grandparents treating them differently I'd 100% back her decision. Boundaries are important.

However, she's envious of the more obvious talents her cousin has. She will encounter people in life who seem to have it all/ have gravitas/ people get drawn to. You can't hide away and have to learn to appreciate and who you are as a person.

I think this could be a great learning curve, her grandparents don't love her any less, or find her company more "boring". She is equally as unique as her cousin, they just shine in different ways. It was always something similar with me and my sister. She was always instantly cool, funny, got parts in plays etc. I was always maths, puzzles, playing video games, ergo she people naturally drifted to her a bit more. I don't see myself as lesser than her and it's something your daughter needs to see too.

Also agree, I think it seems like a good idea to her now but she'll likely end up feeling left out. Maybe you go to help settle her in

Similar suggestion to what another poster has said: can’t your DD join the parent who flies to collect the children at the end of the holiday so she only has to stay for the last few days? Personally, I’d feel mean completely disregarding my dd’s feelings.

Can you leave it for a few weeks and observe how they are together at your family lunches/gatherings? If she’s genuinely upset or left out in her cousin’s company, I’d be inclined to take it as a serious request. If she’s actually joining in and having fun, I’d suspect she’s built up a scenario in her head that’s dominating her thoughts of the summer. It’s hard to get to the bottom of it, but I agree that staying home this year will only widen the gulf she feels. Do you wfh full-time? Is working from France an option so that you’re close by? It could be that she can handle the feelings if you or your partner are with her (depending on her relationship with her grandparents).

It’s a tough one, but my instinct is that not going would be worse for her. As adults we regret the things we don’t do more than the things we do! Surely a few pangs of envy towards her cousin will be outweighed by weeks of fun with her wider family? But I agree that I’d present this to her and hope that she reaches this conclusion on her own.

Thank you everyone,
I’m going to leave it a little while then ask DD if she would still like to stay home and have a chat about why etc.

I really don’t think there is any sinister reasons and she and her cousin can get on well, it tends to be when DS is there too DD feels left out as both of the others would much rather be running around, playing sports etc, where as DD doesn’t enjoy that.
I think she may just be extra sensitive as cousin won a few awards at the school prize giving (DD got an award too but I think the music and sports awards may come with a bit more social prestige at their age!), cousin won at a tennis competition which of course all the family were complimenting her for and she had her ballet show last weekend, so maybe a lot of attention on cousin this week.

I think we are also just in a phase with DD where she doesn’t have a true passion right now, she used to enjoy gymnastics but as the girls have all started reaching ages where many at the club were taking it seriously DD fell out of love with it. Over the summer we will definitely be looking at some new hobbies to try, which may boost her confidence a bit.

Over all my in laws are fantastic with her, she probably gets more one on one time with them than any of the others, but rarely does this get compliments which I think is what DD is seeking.

Such a tricky age (though I think I’ve said that about every age so far!)

3/4 weeks is a long time away from home if she's not happy. But it's also a long time stuck at home amusing herself while you work. I think a good compromise would be half and half. You could take her out late or bring her back early on one of the weekends. If you suggest this to DD it will show you have listened to her, but you're also encouraging to have resilience, cope with tricky relationships and the other benefits that posters have mentioned.

Yes that’s the tricky part is they don’t actually leave her out, they do invite her to join and she can recognise this, she just doesn’t want to do what they are doing and would rather they were doing what she enjoys! We will give it some time then look at a few options, be it joining later or something else.

She’s old enough to choose. I hated being made to do things when I was about child, being told that I’d enjoy it when i got there

She needs to still go this summer. You have an opportunity (and her grandparents do) to help her navigate her uncomfortable feelings. Running away from her emotions by not going and missing out on family times will only build more resentment.

I would still send her. It may be that your daughter and her cousin are different personalities and may never be good friends but in adult life we have to get on with all sorts of people even people we don't like and this will be good experience for her.
Before then though have a number of conversations with your daughter to make sure that there is no other reason why she doesn't want to go, also that there is no bullying and to understand exactly what the issue is. Also talk to her about different personalities, how to cope with her feelings etc