Utterly sickened by rugby tour/stag DP attended

[Stagupset]

I have name changed for this. DP plays rugby and they have an annual weekender/end of season tour somewhere each season, usually always in the UK. One of the players is getting married so they did a combined tour/stag this year abroad.

I am friendly with a couple of other partners and so have been made aware of some of the details.

They hired someone to be handcuffed to the stag, purely based on his small size. I find this really offensive.

There was really really weird games/dares involving urine that I won’t repeat on here.

Two players, DP included, lost a bet and had to streak in public wearing only a pair of underwear each which was ‘borrowed’ from a hen party out there.

At least two players cheated on their wives.

DP has verified all of the above and said it’s standard fare when rugby players go away together (added that he was unaware of the cheating and wouldn’t approve). I can’t say I was ever aware of this rugby ‘notoriety’ before I met him.

I have told him I disapprove and he thinks I am over reacting and should accept it’s par for the course. Am I over reacting?

Standard rugby men culture I’d say (and I don’t mean that as an excuse for it).
DH is not involved in rugby but one of his long-time good friends is. The stories we’ve heard via his mate are really grim tbh (nothing illegal - but along the same lines as the OP has said). I don’t know how their wives/partners feel, but if my DH was willingly involved in that culture my legs would clamp shut quicker than you can blink. 🤢

It’s normal within rugby lads sadly. Definitely wouldn’t ever date one. It’s gross.

It amazes me that people are unaware of this type of behaviour amongst big groups of men. Have a chat with anyone from the forces and their stories are toe curling. It's all gang mentality, they're like adolescent male apes. The worst I've experienced are amateur male rowers. They are insane.

Got married recently and so many men kept pushing DH to have a stag do, because they assume wrongly that he's a bit of a lad. He refused point blank.

Sounds like rugby ‘lads’ behaviour. ‘Twas ever thus. And two men, neither of whom were him, cheated on their wives… lovely. You are ‘over reacting’ so he can gaslight you and protect these events where everyone but him apparently, behaves a/ like a twat, or b/ like a cheating twat. I would not be ok with this. Not sure what you can do though. Sounds like a friends husband who goes on golfing holidays where everyone but him cheats… (except that’s the story they all tell, and he cheats too..)

they don't say this (about rugby).

OMG!

So the lads ALL think he's a lad, but you don't think he is lol

Your Nigel has been temporarily been fannymtised, or he's got history he's not told you and is hanging his boots up

Standard behaviour for rugby tours.

how old is he?

whats he like otherwise?

So he ran around in public in a woman's pants and you don't have the ick? Is there a shortage of men in your area?

This all sounds like standard benidorm behaviour

cheating is something separate
handcuffing - assuming that it was consensual, no damage done
running in knickers - actually quite funny and non-offensive
dares with piss - up to the individual, they're all grown-ups

the only difference with rugby is that they're open about it!

Standard behaviour.

I wouldn't get my knickers in a twist but the cheating is unacceptable.
The rest of it is ok.

X

Rugby lads are the worst. I dated a couple at uni but never in a million years would I have married one. This behaviour is par for the course with them. All the ones from uni still cheat on their wives. They're disgusting but they're posh and have good jobs so people accept their behaviour.

And not all stag dos are like this. My husband has been on tons of stag dos. No grooms tied handcuffed to midgets and no cheating that I know of.

I don’t think you are overreacting by telling him you disapprove - that’s just a fact, you do, and I hope he wouldn’t want you to approve of people cheating!

I’m just absolutely amazed you are surprised by any of the rest of it as it is so common and well known that rugby teams do this

Did you honestly have no idea? How many tours has he been on…

Re the knickers thing, this used to be a standard hen night forfeit over 20 years ago - to swap underwear with someone. I only ever saw the off and on done in a toilet cubicle - but then shown as proof in the bar afterwards…

I briefly (less than a month so it doesn’t actually count) dated a member of the rugby team at uni and he drank his team mates piss on socials as well… what is it with the rugby team and drinking each others piss?? I’ve heard this form multiple people across the UK.

I mean if the knickers were clean and purchased by one of the lads on the trip sure it could be funny.

But these were dirty pants. Still warm off another persons body with all their sweat and fluids.

That is gross.

My daughter wasn't part if it. She was flying back for her grans 90th birthday. No blow up Penis required to attend.

It may be normal for rugby types but it isn’t normal for all men. Choose a better one who can think for himself, has the character strength to resist peer pressure and the judgement not to put himself in stupid situations.

Those are the kind of men that make great husbands for the long run.

I stayed in a backpacking hostel about 22 years ago, rugby tour/stag do were also there. They all behaved similarly to what you described. Fairly standard behaviour at the time, not surprised the next generation are the same.

I have extensive experience of this. The rugby lads were wild back in the day and I was the only woman there most of the time.

So I wouldn’t want to have been married to any of them 🤷‍♀️

I've been involved professionally with rugby teams for most of my working life.There's a very high number of evangelical Christians in our current teams so behaviour is very tame as many of them won't go into licenced premises.
Interestingly the young Maori players who visit for up to a year or two at a time are deeply religious. Not what people want to hear about a rugby team really and I suppose that's part of the issue, we like to hear about debauchery.
I'd be curious why your husband is so keen to tell you about his antics, does he have any other social outlets.
As for sleeping around this isn't confined to rugby players/ supporters.Why do you think he goes to these events if he doesn't approve or is he in total approval.
Also bear in mind that many of these outings are not attended by high performance players.They're more likely to be the fours team or people who are supporters not players.

I'm more bothered by the handcuffing than the knicker switch. I wouldn't want to wear someone else's undies but don't think mine are 'gross' after a couple of hours normal wear. I would also be bothered if cheating was widely accepted in my partner's friendship group.
The point of these rituals, within sports teams/Forces/Stag dos is to have a shared experience. The excessive behaviour, including humiliation or doing something socially unacceptable, builds a bond of secrecy and dependency. Who knows if it makes them play better rugby? However, I do have recent experience of a relative who died from cancer and the help and support from his rugby club friends was phenomenal. From the moment of his diagnosis, through treatment and since his death, they have been there for his family. It's hard to believe those polite and kind men are all piss-swilling misogynists.

I wouldn’t give a man like this the time of day.

I said unreasonable, simply as you’re not his mother so disapproving is not your place.

hes a grown man,you can dislike what him and his mates get up to, but you don’t get to control the trip or him.

There's an arrogance to this behaviour I would find it difficult to get past. They are intentionally breaching social norms in ways that make most of the general population uncomfortable - that's the point. They've normalized this amongst their little elite group of privileged men as if their right to 'rugby boys fun' far surpasses everyone else's discomfort. Just 'lads'? No they are a group of grown men who know they can get away with doing what they want because their physical and social status is intimidating. (Bet a lot of them are in professional jobs?) How can he think you're overreacting to find this gross example of unthinking, selfish male privilege just yuck.

That is quite literally the opposite of what they say.