Utterly sickened by rugby tour/stag DP attended

[Stagupset]

I have name changed for this. DP plays rugby and they have an annual weekender/end of season tour somewhere each season, usually always in the UK. One of the players is getting married so they did a combined tour/stag this year abroad.

I am friendly with a couple of other partners and so have been made aware of some of the details.

They hired someone to be handcuffed to the stag, purely based on his small size. I find this really offensive.

There was really really weird games/dares involving urine that I won’t repeat on here.

Two players, DP included, lost a bet and had to streak in public wearing only a pair of underwear each which was ‘borrowed’ from a hen party out there.

At least two players cheated on their wives.

DP has verified all of the above and said it’s standard fare when rugby players go away together (added that he was unaware of the cheating and wouldn’t approve). I can’t say I was ever aware of this rugby ‘notoriety’ before I met him.

I have told him I disapprove and he thinks I am over reacting and should accept it’s par for the course. Am I over reacting?

Although its 'standard' for rugby players to behave in this way on this kind of weekender, and I too have heard much worse.....It really makes me feel quite sick, always has. I couldnt be with a man who behaved like this or who 'co-signed' this behaviour by attending. Just me.

Totally grim behaviour that is unfortunately very normalised in rugby culture.

i absolutely adore the sport itself and played (womens) rugby for years. But grew up and went to uni in parts of the country that are very rugby heavy and there isn’t the same dominance of public school culture around it in the way that I think there is in the south east.

The teams I played on did have big drinking cultures and there were often games and daft forfeits like having to to drink your pint in a plank position through a straw, but they never strayed into the fucked up territory that a lot of male teams go in for. I’m sure there are women’s teams that do more extreme behaviours, but I’ve never heard of things crossing over into challenges that involved sharing bodily fluids and stuff like that.

and the men are totally obsessed with their own nudity 🙄

actually at uni I remember the boxing club having the absolutely worse reputation for beer circle behaviour, they were gross.

there have been some horrible cases of sexual abuse and assault and rape linked to male rugby players, which is extremely upsetting and taints the sport, but having studied it at uni I think that there is a wider conversation about dehumanisation of women in male sport culture in general to be had as it happens in other sports as well.

it is very sad that this culture is thriving to be honest because it is so off putting to lots of potential players who want to play but not engage with this revolting stuff. I don’t play anymore and wouldn’t ever join a team that had a culture like this.

cheating is horrid and very common and not in anyway special to rugby tours. My mother in law told me she went on a naice girls ski trip with her sister and a couple of their friends when they were all married and in their early 30s, and one of the friends cheated while she was out there with a ski instructor. She came back and she’s still with the guy she cheated on, he’s got no clue 20+ years later. I think it’s appalling.

Just because they say normal doesn’t mean they accept it.
I’ve been aware of this since uni so can confirm it’s normal and I’ve stayed clear of them
romantically, despite finding their physique v attractive!

When you write this post @3luckystars do you realise how you’re acting as an apologist for all of this?

You’re so keen to share that it’s “normal”, it’s great to hear you’re one of those ladies that’s in the know, but why do these people (rugby players) get a pass on abhorrent behaviour when footballers would be crucified for it by all of us on here?

We cannot escape that for a large number of people, this whole “gentle giant, gentleman playing a hooligan’s game” image has been built up by people who want to show off their prize and don’t want to peer under the surface.

So yeah it’s great that Russ or Ollie or Hayden went to a great uni or started an electrician business, has a huge chest and thick neck, is great with kids and loved as a “gentle giant”.

But if once he gets with the “lads” on tour and is willing to underwrite cheating or actually do it if he gets half a chance….. well, is it worth it? Is this a good person?

We are so weird in this country. Class and status, projecting an image of what we want rather than seeing what they are.

This is a good point. I wouldn’t be taking off my knickers and passing them to a naked rugby player to cavort about in. Not quite sure why any woman would think that was a good idea.

It is more civilised though. The Prem rugby final is at Twickenham today. I’ve been going 20 odd years and theres never been any trouble. You hardly ever see a police presence, even with 84,000 drunk fans.
Theres no “ends” rival teams sit at and you can drink alcohol watching the game. Apparently this isn’t allowed at football games.
Theres no 657 crew or other organised yobs looking for a fight.

Is this the stag do where they also made the stag have a full body wax infront of a very packed bar? Sounds suspiciously like the same one.

Would you say the same about minstrel shows? He’s been hired because it’s ‘hilarious’ to dehumanise him, it’s disgusting and discriminatory and creates a horrible atmosphere for other people with visible differences, making them just the butt of a joke. It’s the part of the whole trip that I would most strongly react to. Imagine paying another human to degrade themselves in that way for your amusement, it’s medieval.

Sorry if I wasn’t clear. I have nothing to do with anyone like this. AT ALL. Because it’s revolting. All of it. I don’t even drink alcohol or watch rugby, or go on hen weekends away, the only thing I have in common is that I wear knickers, I could not be further from
an apologist but I know WELL what goes on at these weekends.
Again sorry if that was not clear from my post, just because it has been normalised and accepted as part of the culture does not mean it’s right. (For me)

They are clearly enjoying it but they must know it’s not good because they try to keep it secret.

Your ds sounds amazing 😍. Good on him!! Using rugby as a reason is just ridiculous. I would not tolerate it. Like you ds everyone has a choice to act a certain way. Choose to surround yourself with certain people and choose to get involved. Saying it's rugby is just ridiculous

They say you can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep. The question is, do you want to be with someone who thinks this is normal? Do you think so little of yourself that you can’t say no, I expect better? Imagine having a baby girl with this man. Yuck!

rugby tours are notoriously grim. wouldn't touch any of them with a barge pole

Have you been living under a rock your whole life 😂how were you not aware of this? Rugby tours are infamous. However it seems the golden rule of "what goes on tour stays on tour" was broken. Many Unis ban Rugby Societies and often Agrics (similar behaviour) as their antics are so wild and often dangerous when combined with youth. Obviously the Societies carry on just outside the umbrella of the Uni's.

It is awful but I've seen similar from women on hen weekends. They cheated with women (presumably) and got he womens underwear from women. Large groups of drunk people do do stupid things.

Are you genuinely surprised he got involved in this stuff? It’s awful but I would have thought if these were the circles he mixed in you’d already know what they are like?

Hiring a little person to be a prop for the night is abhorrent. I couldn’t respect someone who was part of that.

How long you been with your DP @Stagupset? I'm a bit surprised you weren't aware this kind of behaviour was stereotypical of rugby players before, though seems like you're fortunate not to have witnessed it.

The whole obsession with nudity and urine (and general gross behaviour) is (inexplicably) standard "fun" on nights out or when away in rugby. It's not unheard of with other sports either - I'd definitely associate it with hockey anyway. Footballers, in my experience anyway, tend to be less into bonding by drinking each other's urine and more generally disrespecting those outside the team.

The cheating I'm afraid isn't exclusive to weekends away with ruby lads. Not by a long shot. Happens on mild-mannered accounts business trips too.

Its a whole thing,. It's who your DP is and what he finds acceptable. You don't have to be accepting of any of it.

What you do about not liking it is your choice. You can leave him, and feel upset he wasn't what you thought he was, or you can stay and feel upset he doesn't change. It's your choice, not his and not ours.

It was handed over in a bar by all accounts, no trip to the bathroom 😷

Have family members who play professional rugby - sounds standard and pretty tame - not that I approve btw - but it’s not something I’ve not heard of. The cheating as well - some rugby partners just accept it as a done thing. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just wondering what you actually thought they are doing on these weekends away once the match is over?

Does the weird behaviour stem from public school,the drinking piss,all boys together some naked...plain fucking weird ?!

I think they compete to see who can do the most outrageous things, and they’re always trying to one up each other

What is cheating in this context.
Could be anything from a drunken snog to shagging the knickerless woman on top of the bar

OP needs to understand that this is considered ‘normal’ or standard within this subculture, not because the posters explaining this are necessarily apologists but because this will shape her DP’s response. I strongly suspect that if OP decides she can’t live with this behaviour then it’s going to come down to him choosing her or his friends and team. I don’t know how they long have been together or how serious they consider the relationship to be but I do not fancy her chances in that dilemma and she should be prepared for this.

I don't think the behaviour is particularly unusual for a rugby tour. In fact it sounds very similar to what a friend of my husband's used to get up to whilst first in the army, many years ago. It's in poor taste and cringe, especially for grown men. Am I surprised? Not particularly.

They're all pissed, thinking doesn't come into it.