AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

If it was an easy thing to do and I was off work then yes I would absolutely give a neighbour a lift.

However you work from home, you have DCs and it would be a 2 hour round-trip during your day once a week for 4 weeks which is too much to ask I think.

It is up to her DC to support her, if her DC cannot change their plans, why should you?

As long as youre not one of these people who whines about 'a village' when you want free childcare, then no, youre not unreasonable.

YANBU- especially as it would be 2 hours and OP isn’t particularly friendly with the neighbour anyway. My mum is a widow and I take leave to attend appointments with her - the neighbour’s children can do that. Not put it on someone you don’t bother with.

I would have if I could have because I think everybody ends up needing help at some point and have done for the neighbour in our old house when she needed help.

I would have if it was a 10 minute journey. I just saw your post that it’s an hour away! YADNBU!!

Because they work!

I have no idea.

Considering how many people on this thread are happy to drop everything to do a 2hr roundtrip for someone, I'm surprised that other people are saying that there aren't sufficient volunteers for hospital transport services. Something not quite adding up there...

If you’ve been neighbours for four years and she’s never asked for a favour or tried to invade your life before, she probably is out of options. Personally I wouldn’t like it but I would do it. How would you like to be treated if you were in this situation? Or how would you want a member of your family to be treated? She’s asked you to take her to the hospital four times and it’s a possibility for you, your mums right it was unkind not to help.

Yes, it’s very telling that the neighbour didn’t have explanations for why her partner and dc couldn’t accommodate her.

If she had explained that they were all sick or something, then that would be different.

To whoever said I made up the hospital being an hour away, I didn’t, but to be clear, even if the hospital was 20 minutes away, my answer would still have been no.

Those four times will be the thin end of the wedge.

i would have offered once I think. Partly to be nice, and also because if my bungalow was on fire I'd want them to ring the fire briagde.

It must be grim having hospital treatment - asking 4 times is a bit much. Did she offer petrol money?

No one has said that they would drop everything just that if it wasn't too difficult like the OP said then they'd do it.

Might be a different thread if OP had said from the off that it was a 2 hour round trip and it actually probably would be difficult to reorganise work meetings etc.

No way would I take a half days leave to run a near stranger to the hospital for a planned treatment. Because 2 hour round trip would require me to put leave in.

I would have helped because it's only for a month and what goes around comes around. Cast your bread upon the waters and all that. Hopefully you or your children will never be in the position where you need help from a relative stranger, since right now you're one of the many creating a society where nobody can be arsed to go out of their way to help someone unless there's something in it for them..

I’m surprised you can’t see the difference between helping a neighbour once a week, for one appointment, for 4 weeks and becoming a volunteer for hospital transport services- which at our hospital at least requires you to commit to one regular shift per week of 7-8 hours. Or perhaps you’re just trying to be argumentative and fancied looking a bit daft today😂

Yes, I WFH and have a certain amount of flexibility, and I rearrange things so I can take my husband to hospital appointments but it's not hassle free. I wouldn't make those sorts of arrangements to help someone I didn't really know.

Why can't she get a taxi. If you have enough to do and you're not even her friend fair enough to refuse.

So you think it’s ok for her to ask, look shocked and mutter and walk away?

The good news is, with so many charitable people around that would put themselves out for someone they hardly know, my neighbour should have no issue finding someone that will help her. Or will they all be like my parents, good at volunteering others, but not willing to do it themselves. 😏

It depends how far away the hospital is, if nearby then I'd do it just once, the first time, but explain she'd have to ask other people, perhaps other neighbours? to take a turn and do it the other times as I couldn't due to other commitments. I'd also be prepared to refuse any further requests for favours as she sounds like she could become a nuisance. There are ubers and hospital transport if necessary or aren't there any family or close friends she could ask? I speak as someone who once fell into this trap. I had an elderly neighbour who had to go to regular hospital appointments and, after taking her once, I then became the "go to" for everything in her life, shopping, lifts everywhere. She had a daughter who lived locally but who could never take her for one reason or another and I was too soft to say no. I, eventually, moved away and so did she, to completely different areas and she phoned one day asking if I'd pick her up and drive her to Christie's in Manchester, which was miles away. I had to refuse and suggested she ask her daughter instead. I later found out the poor woman had had to take the bus to and from the hospital whilst having chemo, but I think it's the daughter who should feel guilty, not me.

I think its a cheek, I wouldn't even ask let alone go off in a strop.
Her children need to step up or she needs to get a taxi.

I would do 1 but its never a one off thing.. and are you the backup for future apts. Can see your point op)

Easy to say when you don’t drive so would never have to face this situation.