AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

OP doesn't really know the neighbour. It's a reason why she said no. I doubt she knows about their finances, especially now that clearly a medical issue is involved that needs weekly appointments for 4 weeks.

In that case she can get her child to do all the transport. He'd be going that way to collect her anyway

It's not really the point that you wouldn't ask your neighbour for a lift. Because you didn't. Pretty stingy not to at least do it once or twice. It could have made a real difference to them and you would have been put out in such an insignificant way, comparatively.

You sound mean. Doing something for someone else actually makes you feel good. Try it.

I think OP is a better judge of what the neighbour may be able to afford or not afford than you or I.

You are presuming to know better than OP.

As you’re so kind, why don’t you get the woman’s number from OP and volunteer your services? Pretty mean not to.

Yep.

I was going to mention this too. My son's hospital have cut down on hospital transport and rarely offer it now and as far as I'm aware, volunteer drivers aren't much of a thing now either.

Which is a reason why I would help if I could.

Two hours drive. Nope. Plus, this is for four weeks, now. It could go on.

I'm not presuming to know better than OP but OP herself has said that she hardly knows her. If she hardly knows her, how on earth is she going to have any idea about her finances?

Also Ubers really don’t exist everywhere and local taxis are hard to find. Outside cities. If on a fixed income multiple taxi rides can really eat into your budget.

Helping neighbours - a cautionary tale. Neighbour (A) that I am very friendly with helped out another neighbour (B) (following the death of B’s DH) with a lift to Tesco. Both are in their late 60s. Ever since my friend has received almost daily requests for help from B. Everything from more lifts to Tesco to do her shopping & weekly trips to the post office to collect her pension to bringing 2 large dogs to the vet. She will usually call in the afternoon and if my friend doesn’t answer she’ll get a follow up text that evening. My friend has offered solutions (eg online deliveries, pension paid into bank account & doggie friendly taxis) but B continues to call & text with requests. I’d be very reluctant to help out a neighbour I barely know now.

I'm shocked that a woman with a partner and adult children would try to impose on an acquaintance like that, purely to save spending taxi money.

Her own children won't take her but someone who's practically a stranger should take time off work to do it? No.

Why is the op more obligated than the neighbours partner or adult children?
The op doesn't know the neighbour why should op be obligated to take anyone who asks a lift to appointments if they live next door, 3 streets away or in the next town over?
If the neighbour can't arrange hospital transport and the children won't take her, she could get a taxi, if she can't afford a taxi, why is op now responsible for the lifts. The children and partner could chip in for a taxi. Why should op spend 8 hours rearranging her life and spending money on petrol to take this person she doesn't know.

But I didn’t want to do any, so why would I say that?

We have to work, we have children, pets and responsibilities to others. I don’t want to take something else on so I said no.

Do you think the OP has also invented that the neighbour has a partner and adult dc who drive?

I wouldn’t engage on a thread if I thought the OP was lying, why bother?

I would have helped as it's only once a week for four weeks. However I would make it clear that it's a one off as I'm busy and probably wouldn't be able to do it in the future.

@IGotDreams
I think you should tell your neighbour that your mum will take her.

Not if I was on those terms with them, no. Neighbours I was more like friends with I might, but only if it didn’t mean a lot of rejigging or inconvenience for me.

Suspect that she has made the mistake of thinking that WFH means that you are available all day every day. Common amongst people who have never done it.

The request means the OP taking a full day (8hrs ) out of work in a month. Would you give up a day's pay to save your neighbour on taxis? Or do a day's overtime? As thats what OP would essentially have to do, as she'd have to make up her hours.

Is there no patient transport service? Or volunteer drivers service?

I think she was enormously cheeky to ask! In advance, for 2 hours at a time for 4 weeks? Outrageous. Totally different in an emergency (eg no ambulance for hours and need to get to A&E/car won’t start and can’t get a taxi in time). But that would be a one off by definition!

I’ve rolled my eyes at my own parents with this sort of thing. It’s nice to be on friendly terms with your neighbours and nice to help people out where you can (eg taking a parcel, giving them a lift if you pass them at the bus stop). But asking people to inconvenience themselves to save you money? In a regular basis? Very cheeky.

I would of said no aswell. I would never ask my neighbours for anything.
Ive got my own busy life, her children should be sorting it out.
I don’t think it’s wrong to say no considering OP and NDN don’t have a relationship.

The point is OP has decided on the information available to her that this isn’t an emergency and therefore she doesn’t deem it to be something requiring her to juggle.

I wouldn’t exhort OP to do something against her own judgement.

No I wouldn’t offer a stranger at least 8 hours of my time during the work week.

That’s true. My mum asks me to drop her at the shops often when I’m working as ‘you’re at home anyway’. She also thinks she can come round mid morning and I’ll have time to sit and talk for hours. She doesn’t seem to understand that I’m actually being paid to work. 😂