AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

there is no such thing

Whats the point on this post then

You clearly believe yanbu

Actually, reading my own post back, you should say no or you'll end up like I did!

Being a nice neighbour to me means - taking in parcels, helping someone out with a handful of tea bags or a cup of sugar when they ran out unexpectedly, popping in to feed the cat on the odd weekend - little things that make life sweeter.

NOT rearranging my life to do a 2 hour journey for 4 weeks for someone I don’t know who has children who do not want to rearrange their lives!

i will help where I can but there is helping and helping.

I feel for this op - it is not something she wants to do so why should she feel obligated?

obviously a lot of people on mumsnet have halos as it seems they will do anything for anyone - I just don’t believe it!

I can drive now.

I need help when my other half is away and have three brilliant neighbours.
Help as in only in an absolute emergency. They know my situation (which I’d rather not go into) and have been really kind.
However, I would never dream of asking for lifts in that way from someone who hardly knew me, and had no idea what was wrong.
The 4 weeks could be four months and a two hour round trip could be 3 at busy times.
At the end of the day this is something which needs addressing with her own family, GP and hospital.
I am very grateful that I have neighbours who will help in an emergency but I can count on one hand the number of times I have asked for help in decades.

I did this once for a new neighbour and she turned out to be a massive cunt.

I agree with this
Don't lesd people on woth false hope and fake promises to appear nice
And then make up an excuse at the last minute
It's disingenuous

@IGotDreams you could offer but charge for fuel but they pay upfront ?

Isnt it amazing how many people will definitely help someone when they are not being asked to....?

It's because you WFH and it really doesn't count as work for so many people. So do I, and have for 30 years. All through the dcs school days I was the useful parent and default setting, and I did it. I did my lovely nextdoor neighbours hospital trips and care and much more until she died as her own family were 'busy'. But when someone moved their elderly mother in to her house and came round and said to me 'we heard how good you were to L' I said no. He also looked shocked and marched off muttering.

I have had extraordinary help from strangers and I still think of them to this day. I wish them well whenever I think of them.

I have also helped strangers and will always do so when needed.

The key word is need, though.

In OP’s shoes, I wouldn’t see a need here, I see a want.

2 hours out of my working day and my bosses would be pretty miffed!! It pisses me off that people who think you do nothing if you’re working from home

I wonder if she was younger the answer would have been yes of course. No problem.

So you would happily take annual leave to do so ?
Or take unpaid leave?
Or make the hours up during family time at the weekend

Best and most truthful response on the whole thread 🤣

I would have agreed but only for two of the appointments; it sends a clear message that you are otherwise busy but will help if you can.

It might not be worth upending your entire day for £10?

Two hours for 4 weeks? No chance, and I know a lot of my neighbours and am fond of them.

It would be different if the hospital was a 15min drive away, but she is beyond rude to think you'll drop everything to give up two hours for someone you don't even know well.

Not RTFT
I suspect she thinks you are available all day because you are at home
I had similar car on the drive = at home
When in fact I WOH FT and cycle in
Shes being very cheeky 15 mins drop off, fine -2 hour round trip?
Um no

Why would it? Do you think the OP is being ageist?

I would try to do two out of four trips. I believe in helping others in the community when I can without having to move mountains.
I personally think that a lot of people are too disconnected to help others, sad really, you never know when you will need help from someone.

Depends entirely on the distance and timing. The nearest hospital to me is easily a 90 minute round trip in rush hour, maybe more. At the best of times it would be an hour. I don’t have that to spare when I’m already working around the kids schedule. For my mum, I would make an effort, if I possibly could. For a random neighbour then no. And if you try to fit it in once the requests will just keep coming. As long as you were polite about it, they can’t complain. As you say, for a regular known appointment other forms of transport are available.

Sigh. Another depressing thread. I haven't read it because I know the general consensus these days is people should just look out for themselves and not help out other people.

Yes OP, you are not 'being unreasonable' but wouldn't it be nice to be nice just because you could be? And do a kind thing for someone? I'm raising my kids so that when they are adults they are the kind of people who would say yes and help other people out from the kindness of their hearts. I imagine your mother thought she was doing the same with you.

fuel and time + depending on area and wealth etc could charge more ?