AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

Ask for help if you genuinely need it but people shouldn’t take the piss.

Asking for weeks of 2 hour lifts when you haven’t even explained why your partner and adult children can’t take you or why you can’t take a taxi and then going off in a strop when someone explains why they can’t help is taking the piss.

So you would tell a neighbour to always come over if she needs a chat. Right.

What do I tell my colleagues about why I'm not in the meeting they need me in, ‘oh sorry, I’m very busy having a chat with the neighbour in work time’.

Or maybe when she turns up when I’m about to take my dogs out, my dogs just don’t get walked.

Or when I am about to take my kids to their sports and music lessons, ‘sorry kids, random neighbour who has made no effort in 4 years is here so you miss out’.

Seriously, if you’re busy with work and commitments to others, you wouldn’t be saying that and certainly couldn’t be doing it! Even my friends know that I’m not free whenever they fancy a cuppa and chat because I work and they can’t just pop over for a cuppa at 2pm on a Tuesday afternoon. 🤪 Would they pop into see me if I worked in an actual office, no, so they can’t just pop in when I’m working at home and expect me to stop everything for a cuppa and chat.

You could help a neighbour close to you - Fine. Lovely.

The OP couldn’t help her neighbour close to her as she has work commitments and commitments with her children - Also fine.

Not sure why you felt the need to comment on the Good Samaritan being “well and truly dead” because the OP has work commitments and children.

Very odd indeed for you to comment that without actually offering to help out yourself if you’re so concerned with people being good Samaritans. 🤷🏼‍♀️ but I get it now, good Samaritans for the vicinity only.

It’s very clear that some people really don’t understand this. I generally work from 7am til 5pm shut away in my home office, with a break for taking my children to or from school. I do one school run and my husband does one. Sometimes I work another couple of hours later on as well. My husband does similar. Working at home is working!

You’d leave in the middle of work? What if your boss said no.

Funny many people on mumsnet don’t even open their front door when someone knocks.

I don’t believe for one second they’d open it in the first place to say yes to this!

neighbour did not say anything about being desperate. If she said she was too ill to manage other forms of transport and absolutely nobody she has already asked is able to help, OP might also feel differently. But why would she need to feel obliged if neighbour's own family doesn't want to take time off work?

Totally not unreasonable to say no. I think you should have said in the OP that it was a 2 hour round trip as that is a big inconvenience for someone who is not family/close friend.

Well either DH or I would, but then we've known our neighbour for 40 years, not 4.

No husband but similar here. Sometimes I will log in earlier and then go for a walk or the gym or shopping for an hour during the day to break things up and sometimes I log out earlier to do something and log back in later but I still WORK and I find it really insulting that because I am not driving to and from an external workplace every day that somehow I have more hours in the day than others. The days I am on site nobody asks me for things but you say you are wfh and they genuinely feel you are sitting around painting your nails!

Thats kind of what neighbours are for.

Sorry, what? Do you not mean that’s what family is for? Why on earth is that what neighbours are for? Neighbours are there to live in the houses in close proximity to us. The majority of us have them, only the lucky few escape without any neighbours.

I don’t even know my neighbours name. We nod at each other and take parcels if the other isn’t in but that’s it.

100% with OP.
This is not a neighbourly request - it’s pure entitlement.
And then rudeness when OP doesn’t drop everything for her.

One thing if it was an emergency but this is a planned and repeated event.
She does have other options including her own children, taxis etc yet she is asking OP to take her to every single appointments.

So many martyrs on this thread. Or people with a lot of time on their hands.

Ultimately, I want to live in a world where people do do things like this. That's why I have dog sat for neighbours and water plants or lend them my drill. I do get not being able to do all four weeks, but I would probably have agreed to do the least the first one.

Our continuing trend towards individualism above all else is not building a society that looks like the sort of place I want to live, really.

Editing - that's what I get for not reading the whole thread. I had a 15 minute drive to the hospital in my brain because that's what it is for me. Which is clearly a very different ball game so definitely not unreasonable to refuse if it's much longer.

Dear God, watering plants! It’s hardly comparable to what OP is being asked to do.
OP takes her parcels in and then delivers it to her. That is like a watering plants.

I think you were just the wrong person to ask, fair enough if you were retired/ not working/ no children but to ask a busy working mum isn't right.
My unemployed, perfectly capable neibour cheerily asked if I would paint her fence the other day, like wtf no! I looked at her in horror and said I couldn't think of anything worse!

A couple of things maybe worth bearing in mind ...

Firstly, it's possible the neighbour's loved ones may have been unable to help occasionally, but she asked OP to help with all four appointments... why?

And secondly, had OP agreed, I absolutely guarantee she'd have become this lady's go-to, a situation which may be best avoided

Yeah just clocked I messed up on that one. My neighbour does have a good hundred or so indoor plants though so it's more of a major task than it sounds 😅

You have triggerered a quite amazing push-back from be-kind posters of a type seldom seen. It would be amusing as a sit-com, but it is quite concerning how many individual posters think so poorly of you for having firm priorities and boundaries.

If I could move things around without too much difficulty, like you said, then yes I would certainly do it. I'd be happy to help, as to me that's what being neighbourly means.
Sometimes in life you can only hope for the kindness of strangers, and if I ever needed the favour returning then I'd hope someone would be kind enough to help me.

However, if I genuinely couldn't then I would apologise and explain why.

The neighbour was VERY rude by just walking off without a word! Her own partner and children - and I assume any friends she’s has too - have all said no they won’t take time off work to do this but she expects a complete stranger who just happens to live on the street to take time out from her work and life for a MONTH and ££ on petrol etc - which there was no mention of of course I’ll cover petrol costs and wear and tear on the car etc from the entitled neighbour - and then not even to say not a problem i understand and I’ll have to fork out for a taxi instead!!! Which tbh WHY isn’t she booking a taxi anyway?!?! 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Explain? To a person you barely know? Now I know I was a people pleaser for decades and have done a LOT of therapy to no longer be a pushover but explaining why you are unable to do something is not something you should have to do. A firm no works and no 'sorry' needed. The way the neighbour responded anyway speaks volumes.

This thread is a mind boggling read.

@IGotDreamsis busy WORKING but quite frankly even if she wasn’t the neighbour has a cheek asking out of the blue and don’t get me started on her taking the huff and walking off.

I have driven a neighbour to A&E in an emergency, I take in packages if asked etc but I would not be willing to commit to a weekly 2hr minimum round trip to taxi a neighbour for any treatment.

Asking a neighbour you hardly know to do a two hour round trip is ridiculous. If a neighbour of mine asked me to drop them at the local hospital 15 mins away as a one off I’d probably do it if I was free that day, but that sort of trip four times is a piss take.

My husband offered to pick up a prescription during Covid for someone that asked on a community group. Her daughter visited while he was dropping it off. The lady explained she couldn't ask her daughter as she was busy with work and kids. We were busy with work and kids. He didn't offer again.

Your neighbours kids can sort something out as we would if it was our parents that needed a lift. This is their issue to sort.

Well, where is OP based? My PM is open :)