AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

She was cheeky. There is no way would I do this for someone I wasn’t close to. You have a busy life and its fine to prioritise you own work and children. We need to say no more instead of being people pleasers at our own expense.

I bet the posters saying they would do it are mostly lying. It’s easy to say you would do something knowing you don’t actually have to do it and some people enjoy trying to feel morally superior.

Also the cheeky fuckers who would ask too much from others, but not actually help anyone else themselves, will be on here voting you are being unreasonable. They want someone to do this for them, but wouldn’t do it for someone else. There are a lot of those people around.

And if you felt good, you'd only feel good until the CF wasn't ready to leave at 10 like you'd agreed, and needed to stop off at the cash point on the way, and then at Gregg, and then dropped crumbs in your car, objected to Radio 4,....

Is there anything like community transport in your area? - it's for older people to get to hospital appointments and is cheaper than taxis. Might be worth suggesting

No - did you message OP to ask for her neighbours address so you could personally tell her what a CF she was?

OP asked if we thought she was being unreasonable and I thought she was.

You want OP to go to the door of someone who seems to have gone off in a strop and not said goodbye, to provide help in a different way? Maybe the woman can sort it out and look at other solutions herself. This isn’t OPs problem.

2- hour round trip.

During a working day.

Four times, not just once.

Around school runs and professional commitments.

When this full-time worker is already negotiating working hours to do extra curricular end-of-term stuff with her kids.

That is magnitude. If it wasn't, the neighbour's four children, partner, and friends would easily have been able to absorb such a small ask between them.

You haven’t? Oh really? You seem to think that the “Good Samaritan is well and truly dead”.
I would’ve thought a kind person would have liked to help matters. Never mind eh?

And no silly, why would I go and personally tell the Cheeky Fucker that she is a Cheeky Fucker? How would that help matters?

I think she was desperate to ask.
i believe (firmly) in kindness and helping if I at all can. I’d have driven her, asked if she was okay and if she needed a cuppa or a chat to ways come and knock.
we moved away from our neighbour 4 years ago. He’s ill now & I call weekly, visit when I’m in town and are in a whatsapp group of perfect strangers (but all known to him) helping and coordinating where we can. Not virtue signalling but just my way of going through life. Kindness rocks

Let me introduce you to my sister!

And before you ask: If you’re based around where I am, I would help.
my mom (based in a different country to me) rely on neighbours (and help them out too where she can w dogs, watering plants, post etc when they’re away) for the odd cancer checkup scan.
i visit often but cannot be there day to day so I pay ot forward here when I can.

How lovely you are! Thank you for telling us. How reassuring it must be to @Obimumkinobi to know that the Good Samaritan isn't dead.

Steady on. OP'S question was about helping a neighbour that was close by who'd asked for help. Would I help a closeby neighbour if I could? And my answer is 'yes'. Vicinity is part of this equation.

How and when do you think I can fit this cuppa and in whenever it suits the neighbour?

I work from 7am-5pm weekdays, have kids that need taking to activities and other places, pets that need caring for, friends and family to see, as well as having some free time.

I’m not going to tell a neighbour who has made no effort with us to come and chat and have a cup of tea whenever she feels like it. I don’t have time, I’ll probably be working, busy with my children, walking the dogs, be out shopping etc. When I’m not, I’d quite like some time for myself. Self care ‘rocks’ and is kindness, to myself.

I am kind to my partner, children, other family, friends, work colleagues. I am also kind to myself which is important. I am not unkind to my neighbours. It’s not unkind to not want to have to change work meetings and possibly miss things with my children, for a neighbour.

I would have done it without thinking twice. This is what a community is. If you were out at work at those times fair enough, but if you could have done it then it is a bit shocking to refuse a person in need. It doesn’t matter that she could take an uber or whatever.

I’m with the op on this. If one of my neighbours who I didn’t know asked me this, I would also say no. And please remember when the op asked the neighbour if her any of her children could help, she said they were working, which of course the op is also doing.

I would - and do.
busy family life here too, quite a lot of responsibilities & a professional career etc etc.
if you ever need it, I do hope someone’s kinder to you than you are to your neighbour

A few people seem to think I should be looking for solution for my neighbour. She can look up hospital patient transport and things like that herself or just use the bus, train or pay for an Uber.

@Shinyandnew1 and I wonder what has happened to our society that someone can’t ask for help. We don’t have to give it.. we all have our own reasons for not being able to help… but I think it says a lot about the state of the world when someone can’t ask for a favour on occasion without being considered a cheeky fucker.

She was working! she would have had to take time off. There are many things I could do, like if the school calls that DC is ill, I will cancel my meetings and pick them up. So I could. I won't do it if a neighbour calls that they can't be arsed with taxi and can I just drive them instead. I really don't believe people claiming they would drop and reorganise hours of their work and family commitments to do random favours for people they vaguely know.

If you want to help, why haven’t you asked OP for her general whereabouts?

Or have you PMed her because you believe good deeds should be done secretly? 🤗

I agree.

An hour away? Blimey I was thinking 15 mins.

You can’t just take 2 hours off work. Can’t she get a train or ask her partner?!

our local doctors has a good neighbours system, local people offer lifts to hospital/doctors etc, you have to phone in advance and book in,

Gosh OP
Your attitude to this is shocking. If you can’t do it, fine. You’ve known them for 4 years, and apparently they’ve not been brazen before. They must have been desperate to ask. You don’t seem to have a shred of concern or curiosity. Sad

Working from home IS STILL WORKING.