AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

Well, your post was quoting/replying to my message and I can guarantee you I do not think women should be neighbour-helpers more than men. Quite the opposite.

😆 I know right. This place kills me sometimes! 😂

How many male neighbours have babysat for you, driven you to appointments, watered your plants and cooked for your summer get togethers?

OK then, so YOU don't think it. But most people do!

Although I share a different attitude to the OP in the fact I would help if I could.

its a moot point. The OP can’t because she’s working. The same way her children can’t because they are working.

It it was 4pm and the OP didn’t want to because it would mean juggling tea time I’d feel differently.

I don’t agree with saying no because everyone should sort their own shit without help. But saying ji because you cannot actually help is different.

Exactly! It's always women! Men don't get asked! And even if they were, they would have no hesitation in saying no. (If they didn't want to do it.) My DH would probably say yes now and again if he had time and he wanted to, but he's never asked to do anything.

Even when I was younger, my mum used to make me feel like SHIT if I said no to something (it was often because I couldn't do it then rather than wouldn't, because I was far more accommodating then and a total pushover!) Yet she would rarely put herself out for people. She used to when she was younger, but by 50-55 she stopped. Yet when I said no to anything (whilst in my teens 20s, and 30s, she'd kick off and say I was 'unkind.'

Did she ever say it about my brother when he CBA/said no? NO. Well, he didn't say no often, because he was rarely asked/expected to do anything. It was always me.

Do you really want to go there? OK fine. While I TOTALLY agree that women are expected to do thankless tasks more often than men, in my own life it's male neighbours who have been most helpful. Male neighbour is retired and drives all sorts of elderly people to appointments - super impressive and his wife is bemused. Other male neighbour has kindly come round to save me when my dishwasher started gushing water all over kitchen. And another does indeed water for me when I'm away! Sorry!

That's cool, because you're nor ripping into people who don't want to/can't do something. You're just disagreeing.

However, I do have to say that anyone should be able to say no purely because they don't want to do it. I wouldn't want to take a neighbour to hospital 4 weeks on the trot, 2 hour round trip, and probably 2-3 hours with her too! I would find it intrusive, awkward, and weird.

To be fair I would have the time/could find the time. My part time job/3 days a week is flexible. I just wouldn't want to do it. Even with very few commitments, (no kids at home, no elderly family members left, no pets,) it would still take a sizeable chunk out of my month, and I would have to work into the evening/night-time to catch up (or work on a few of my days off...)

.

I agree, there is more of an expectation of women.

I think it’s part of the reason why I don’t like asking for favours.

If it’s something DH and I can’t do, we have the numbers of handy people who can help.

If it was me, it would only make me feel busier, rushed and behind at work.

"A favour of this magnitude" - fuck, she wasn't asking for a kidney!

Looks like the Good Samaritan is well and truly dead.

Quite. Some of the ‘nice’ posters don’t seem to be being very nice. 😂

The Good Samaritan didnt have to lose just over £100 in wages (based on NMW which I am guessing OP isnt on, and it will cost her more) to help someone out.

As altruistic as we would all like to be, the fact is that things like this cost money to to favour doer. And could also do her damage in her job is she is absent for 2 hours at a time once a week. Money is tight and jobs are insecure, its not fair for anyone to have a go at the OP for protecting both.

So many people really do not understand WFH means WORKING at home. Just because it isnt in a shop or an office doesnt mean it isnt working, but some people think it means sending the odd email whilst lounging on the sofa eating bon bons.

If I could have dropped off and been back within about half an hour, I would have helped. Maybe even up to an hour. An hour there and an hour back? No way.

If I can help anyone then I will. You never know when you may need help yourself.

I know men, my father and 2 brothers included, who help our neighbours and others to look good, but are rubbish husbands, left parenting to their wife etc. Their neighbours sand their praises, their wives not so much! It’s all about looking good externally so often with men.

For four weeks only? If you can still do your work and it doesn't impact your childcare, why would you not help?

Have you privately messaged the OP and asked her for the neighbours address and appointment details so you can take her?

Because it'll take two hours when she's supposed to be working?

Yeah my ex was like this, would only do something if there was an audience. Best parent in the world when his family were around.

Don’t hospitals help with transport through volunteers if need be?

lovely! Can you come dogsit for me for a couple of weeks? Also the garden could do with some weeding..

Not always. Largely depends on the hospital but a lot of patient transport etc has been cut.

Fair point to be honest.

No - did you message OP to ask for her neighbours address so you could personally tell her what a CF she was?

OP asked if we thought she was being unreasonable and I thought she was.