AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

If you can do it with your other commitments, do it be kind....it will make you feel good

My view on helping people is that you do something with a good heart or you don’t do it at all. I don’t like people who offer to do something and then moan about it.
your decision is correct for you. You don’t have to justify it, certainly not to your parents who are always free to do the favour themselves.

People commenting here seem to be split on the point of whether she was "desperate" or just a CF, actually.

And if she was "desperate", all she has to do is keep knocking on doors until she finds one that is opened by one of the lovely virtue signallers posting on this thread who would do anything, for any of their neighbours, anytime.

ETA - I'm in the CF camp, in case there is any doubt. Any low-contact neighbour who, out of the blue, asks for a favour of this magnitude, is from that point onwards a potential CF.

Strupidly, I missed that this woman has a partner, @IGotDreams

I realise you said her DCs are allegedly too busy with work to help much, but out of interest what's the excuse for her OH?

If the only people in this world are you and your God, who is your neighbour but you?

I voted YABU because if I could, I would. You clearly said you could but won't. One day that might come back at you. Yoyr neighbour might be having a horrid treatment.

If you can be kind, be kind.

What was the last two hour favour you did for a stranger? I assume you do these things regularly?

Seems like we've lost several posters, as they are 'out,' because so many people disagree with them, and are pointing out the flaws in their argument.

They are then doubling down when challenged. And now they're flouncing because they're being challenged.

le sigh... Shame they can't just admit that they may, just MAY be wrong, and listen to other peoples points of view.

.

I'm still baffled as to why, unless it's definitely going to be a long appointment, the neighbour's child can't take if they're collecting her anyway?

You are assuming this. Personally, if I was desperate, I would tell the person this, saying something like "I'm really sorry to ask but I'm really stuck for transport to my appointments. Would there be any chance you'd be able to please take me? I'd be so grateful." But there is no need for the desperation as there such things as taxis

Oh, and it's definitely not a "small act".

If you read OP’s posts, she said very early on that she would have helped her neighbour in an emergency i.e. if the neighbour’s expected lift provider couldn’t make it at the last minute then OP would have stepped in.

I think an emergency 2 hour drive for a neighbour she doesn’t know well is very generous.

Wow - the fact that other people sometimes do kind things for their neighbours seems to be outside your imagination. Sorry @GinaandGin but you've 'sanctimonious self'ed the wrong person. I make a point of being in touch with my neighbours. Have, on occasion, done babysitting, watering, driving to appointments, hosted the entire street at my home for summer get-togethers. Being neighbourly is important to me. And what goes around comes around - we've got a great street and we help each other out when we can.

Oh my God, enough with the be kind crap. Being kind to a neighbour is taking in a parcel, not taking two hours off your work to take one to hospital, FOUR weeks in a row.

For me it's the OP's attitude. Just the blunt 'no' and then coming on here to mock the neighbour (and most people joining in). Two hours is a big ask (if that is genuine - it wasn't mentioned in the original post) but a bit of kindness would have gone a long way, even if OP said she wasn't able to manage it. Or she could have offered to do one of the visits, if other options weren't possible.

Not very nice of you to accuse OP of being harsh and not even considering helping.

It’s clear OP has carefully weighed up the request against her work and children and other commitments and considered that she can’t do it.

Is niceness only reserved for your neighbours and not the OP?

I’d help if I could.

and I don’t mean only if it was convenient because I’m busy but I mean if I could juggle stuff or it required me to to out of my way but I could do that - it just was inconvenient.

If it meant me cancelling something I couldn’t juggle that was 15 miles the other side of town in rush hour I’d explain that I couldn’t do it as won’t be around at that time.

I guess it depends on whether you “could” or you just don’t want to.

But the OP WAS harsh and this is a discussion forum where she's asked for people's opinions.

It's not clear at all that the OP 'carefully weighed up the request'. She just said No. Because she would never, herself, ask a neighbour for anything, ever, and thinks such requests are inappropriate.

Yep.

I couldn't drive when my son was first diagnosed with cancer and I received one taxi ride paid for by the hospital. The next time, I was told cuts had been made and nothing was available to help with travel.

I was also initially told that because he was in hospital for a long time (he had some complications), they would sort transport when he was discharged but they had to go back on it due to more cuts.

I can drive now thankfully but help from the hospital with transport was largely non existent.

She didn't get a chance to explain why she couldn't, neighbour just turned and stalked off.

Plus I thought 'no' was a complete sentence?

Coz God FORBID a woman ever says NO, just because she doesn't want to do it.

I mean all women absolutely must #BeKind 🙄

If a man had been asked, and said no, this thread would not exist.

Men have no problem saying no. And people have no problem with men saying no.

But women.............. BE KIND! How selfish and cruel and harsh you are saying NO.

Give me strength!

Why on earth do you think that? I think it would be worse if a man bluntly said no, as they usually have more time on their hands.

If OP had said yes and started a post about being stuck with the arrangement I can absolutely guarantee she'd be getting told to 'put on her big girl pants' and 'use her words'. 😆

You are joking right? You think people are more likely to ask a man to do something like the OP is being asked?!

Do me a favour. It's ALWAYS women who are asked. And always women who are guilt tripped if they don't do it. Men are rarely asked.

people are really saying that if a random neighbour you have barely talked to asked you to take time off work and drive her for 2 hours every week, as her children and partner can't be arsed, you would be absolutely happy to do that, no problem?

OP said ‘I said no as it wouldn’t be possible with work meetings and the kids, who have all their end of term stuff coming up. She looked shocked, said ‘right’ and walked off. There was no opportunity for us to make suggestions.’

That’s a perfectly good explanation. What do you want OP to have said? ‘I’m afraid I just can’t manage a journey that far. If I possessed a private helicopter I’d be there in a heartbeat! I’m so sorry to disappoint you, and I do hope you can forgive me. I’ll be keeping everything crossed for you. Wishing you the smoothest, easiest, most stress-free journey imaginable!’ ?

OP has considered it carefully, she said:

Yes we work from home, but we still have to work! We both start work around 7am ish, one of us takes a break to take the kids to school and college and pick them up and then work til 5pm ish.
The hospital is an hours drive away so 2 hours round trip for us.
She is 60 ish, lives alone but has a partner who doesn’t live with her. I see him there sometimes but I don’t know how often she sees him.
She looked shocked, said ‘right’ and walked off without saying goodbye.

If it was an emergency, eg being let down by a taxi on the day and I was home I would, but if it's something arranged for the future surely they should be able to arrange their own transport, eg taxi or public transport if they don't drive?

If she was let down on the day and had no alternative, I would have helped if I was free. Thats a very different scenario to this.

And, even worse, itvwas a HARSH no. Is that the same as a shrill refusal, or a hysterical reaction.

Working professional woman makes immediate assessment of her inability to grant a request from a neighbour - the bitch!