AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

Well done OP.

We all get to decide the boundaries we set and what we can cope with. It will negatively affect OP's life to do this. I think it's incredibily cheeky to ask, especially without offering petrol money.

For one person, maybe this would be something they'd want to do, which would enhance their life. It won't be a good thing for OP, she gets to decide what she can cope with and what her boundaries are.

However, I also think the older generation don't understand what 'working from home' means. I think they think it means being a housewife/husband who has nothing to do but cleaning / house chores all day and that your time is entirely your own. It infuriates me. My Dad constantly tells me it's a 'shame' I have to work when I'm working from his house. I couldn't see him nearly as often if I didn't WFH because he lives a 5 hour drive away. It's this work that pays our mortgage and keeps a roof over my kids' heads so it's not a 'shame' it's a bloody necessity.

My Mum was a SAHM / general dogsbody for his business and he thinks that's what I am. I'm not, I'm paid to do a specific job in specific hours. If I don't do that the company I work for could sack me.

With so many thinking this sort of ask is reasonable it's not surprising companies are starting to demand people back in the office.

Wouldn't ask unless it was an emergency! (Running up to someone on their deathbed for instance.) In which case I'd imagine my neighbours would help out. CFs.

Nope, I’m not perfect. I’m just not a cheeky fucker who wouldn’t want to inconvenience someone who was working full time and had children to look after.

I’m not sure you actually read my post properly, as I didn’t say people who wanted a parcel taking in or bins taken out makes them inept and needy. I said: “people who constantly need favours from neighbours are inept and needy”. Which they are. Clearly.

The scenarios you’ve described are literally reasonable and normal circumstances. They’re none-issues.

What is an issue is expecting a full-time working woman with children to just sack off her job to do a 2-hour round trip weekly. I’m basing my point to all the bitter Cheeky Fucker apologists on this thread stating “I hope you don’t need anything from them in future” who clearly think that the neighbours request to the OP was reasonable.

Agree with PPs saying it's cheeky fuckery of the highest order.

Basically this neighbour is saying her own children's work is more important than yours OP. And you're not even related! CF. Avoid.

You’re still not reading my post properly are you?

I said:
“People who constantly need favours from neighbours just sound really inept and needy”

However please do quote me where I have specifically referenced your examples of “support” and directly called you inept and needy?

No, this person.clearly said that constant favours beyond parcels is needy, and it is. My parents had a woman living next door who used to come and ask my (70s age) dad to mow her lawn. She was younger than me!! She didn't have a mower, despite buying a 4 bed house with a large garden on her own.

Some of the responses you're getting are wild OP. I still can't get over the fact that she came to your door, made a bit of small talk, asked a big favour then fucked off in a huff when you had the audacity to not want to take two hours out of your working day. Staggering.

#bekind really does have a lot to answer for.

Good for you OP. I am so used to reading about wet lettuces who can’t say no, that it’s great to read about someone having boundaries, who can say no.

She needs to sort her own shit out. Seriously, who asks people they don’t know well to help to this level? Taking in a parcel or moving a bin is not comparable to this.

I don’t believe for a second that a third of people would put themselves out and impact work and their children to do this. I do think a third would lie to sound good, try to make others look bad or expect it of others because they’re cheeky fuckers who only think of themselves but will pretend here it’s about helping others. They’re full of shit!

Because you don't want to rearrange your life for this? 🙄

Your neighbour has a boyfriend and adult kids but she's asking you for a 2 hour ride x 4. No offer of gas money, nothing. She doesn't want to put them out but she's perfectly willing to put you out and feels entitled to your time and gas. And there's public transportation available!

She's a CF and has no boundaries and this would have been the first in a series of boundary stomps.

You’d be amazed at how NOT desperate some people are when they ask favours from near-strangers. Woman on our village fb group is constantly asking people to pick up her parcels, fetch a marketplace item for her, give a lift etc.

She’s a fit and well (mentally and physically) person her 30s. It’s constant and it’s never out of desperation- she sometimes even states she “can’t be bothered”!

Again with the name calling!

I’ve been called deluded and now a cheeky fucker apologist??

just for saying I would try to help MY neighbour if I could because THEY have helped us in the past.

I’m out.

sorry you’ve all had such awful experiences.

If she was desperate and OP was the last person she was asking, surely she would have said so? Tried everything, nobody else can possibly help, no taxis available,no public transport. But she simply said that her kids are working. So is OP!

But would you book a day’s annual leave to take somebody on a two hour round trip, because their own children and partner didn’t want to book leave themselves? Every week for at least a month? That’s 15% of most people’s AL entitlement just spent on being an unpaid taxi, not to mention the petrol costs.

I think anyone who did that would be an absolute doormat tbh (I am assuming you wouldn’t do it).

I would have said no. It’s far too much to expect from a neighbour she hardly knows.

I would do it for friends and some family. Anyone else can ask their own friends and family or get a taxi.

No, they have adult children. I’m always up for helping an actual friend, or would help a neighbour I don’t really know as a one-off, but this is a big ask.

just for saying I would try to help MY neighbour if I could because THEY have helped us in the past.

I’m incredibly confused as to why you think I’m directly speaking about you and your circumstances?

And even more confused as to why you think I’ve had such “awful experiences”. I’ve said I’m very lucky to have really pleasant neighbours as we do normal favours for each other and don’t have expectations that inconvenience each other, like the OP’s neighbour.

May be best if you sit this one out if you continue to misread my posts. I can’t help you any further I’m afraid.

Knock it off. This thread isn't about you.

Yes. Probably one of her 4 children has early finishes from work which means they can do the afternoon, but none of them can do the morning due to their work commitments...

Some people seem to think that if you wfh or are a sahp, your time is 'up for grabs' and you've got nothing better to do than run around after them!

Neighbours are just people who live on the same street - it's bonkers that they should think you ought to leave your own job on the middle of the day to drive them to a medical appt that's a 2 hour round trip! These are things we ask of our children or a close friend, not some random who just happens to share a postcode!

Exactly. I can’t stand people who volunteer other people’s time and resources.

I’m amazed at those berating OP, a neighbour she only knows to say hello, expects her to take two hours plus out her day for a lift?
Shes a CF the neighbour, I can’t imagine even thinking to ask this of someone you barely know.
The neighbour can ask her own family to accommodate her.

How much do your parents help out with babysitting your kids etc out of interest, OP? Expecting loads as your mum is so charitable.

It was the OP implying that it is rediculous to ask neighbours for help, ever.

She made it clear she would never do this and would only ask family and friends.

The 2 hour round trip detail wasnt in the OP so that is a drip feed. Sorry not sorry.

The OP can do what she wants but I am surprised at how horrid people are about people who ask their neighbours for help and fine the tone of her posts a bit sneery.

I'm out. Mumsnet is wild at times

I voted YABU because society is becoming increasingly individualistic and anti-community through small acts like this. She must have been desperate to ask.