AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

YANBU especially as you would have to shuffle life around.

I would help in an emergency e g broken bone but not something that a taxi can be booked for.

From experience, I can tell you that the likelihood is that this neighbour - like many people I know who ask for 'favours,' will be very unlikely to do anything for the OP anyway. If you think that going out of your way to do favours for people will result in them helping you when you need it, then you're deluded.

And how DARE she expect the OP to do this, when her own adult children could not be arsed because of 'work commitments.'

This woman doesn't expect them to move mountains for her, but she expects the OP to. All the LOLZ!!!

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I think a two hour round trip is a big ask of anyone, but especially of someone who works and has a young family.

Not to mention the cost of the fuel for that length of journey.

I have lovely neighbours - we take in parcels, help out with bins , etc. We did have one elderly chap who would knock on the car window and ask for a lift if he saw me, but he was an outlier ( and I said yes if we were going the same way)

But this is a big ask, and out of the blue. So totally in agreement Op.

She must have been desperate. I would have to be to ask a neighbour I didn't know. Absolutely desperate. Perhaps what you saw was not shock but some other emotion, fear, embarrassment at refusal because she knew it was pushy to ask but there is no-one else.....
Cheeky would be asking you to give her a lift to a party. A lift to a hospital appointment will not be cheeky.

It's a no from me. We can ask work for the odd flexi start or finish but we're already using those up on school sports days, dance performances and classroom open days this half term.

I would also have said no. It's not as if she's elderly. Surely there's a local bus service to the hospital?

I definitely would not ask people I barely know for favours. I'd get the bus/Uber.

I voted YANBU because there are Ubers and public transport

Or she has a daughter that can pick her up so why not take her there too.
You don’t know her well and you have kids and a busy life.
A bit of a cheek to ask I think

I hope you don’t need anything from them in the future!!

This always makes me laugh.

I have lived in my house for 20 years. I have never needed anything of significance from my neighbours. We offer to water plants and take bins out when the other is on holiday but apart from that … nothing!

People who constantly need favours from neighbours just sound really inept and needy. Luckily all my neighbours are pleasant, emotionally mature and resilient people who can problem solve without having to inconvenience others.

💯

@TeethAreImportant there is an eligibility criteria for patient transport. I was turned down when I was having six months of chemo. You can’t just ring up and book it.

Taxis exist she just doesn’t want to pay

Someone I know had an appointment at hospital for 8.30am around mid January this year. The hospital was 20 miles from me, and 35 from them. (So I am in the middle of them and the hospital.... They are 15 miles from me...) They wanted me to go get them from their house, and take them to the hospital because they're 'not right keen on trains.'

30 mile round trip to them and back to my house, then a 40 mile round trip to the hospital from mine. Then another 30 mile round trip to take them back home. 100 MILES! Plus, anything between 3 and 5 hours waiting at the hospital. I would have had to leave their house at about 7.15am, (to allow for traffic/rush hour etc,) so would have had to leave mine around 6.35am.

They have a train station 10 minutes walk away. The 7.35am train would have got them there for 8.10am, and the walk to the hospital is 10 minutes. Yet they wanted me to do 100 miles, wake up at 5.15am to 5.30am, leave at 6.35am, and spend most of the day with them - waiting - and then taking them back home.

I said no. They haven't spoke to me since, and according to several people who know us both, they are bitterly disappointed that I refused, and 'made them get the train!' 😂 This person is 2 years older than me. So not even 60 yet! No mobility issues.

There are a few posters who would get on very well with this person. 😆

The people they spoke to (who know us both) said they think what they were asking was laughable and utterly farcical. Them getting the train was the obvious answer! Expecting what they were (from me) was ludicrous! Yes, FROM ME! They never asked my husband! (He'd have told them to fuck off LOL!)

Clearly, they should have asked some of the kind souls on this thread (100 miles is roughly 2 hours, coincidentally).

I’m with you OP. I wouldn’t have said yes either, a bit odd to ask you anyway I think with the relationship you’ve described between the 2 households 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm retired and I would have said No. I don't know where you are, but here it is a 2 hour round trip to the hospital and I'm not prepared to do that every week for a month, forebye the hanging around and waiting for their appointment and bringing them back.

Not for a neighbour I don't really know.

We lived next to some very elderly people and did little bits and pieces for them over the years. Eventually they needed more help than we could offer. Their daughter and SIL had a real abusive shout at us when we helped with an emergency situation. They lived in Scotland and thought we should be doing a lot more, not knowing how much we actually were doing. No good deed goes unpunished.

😂😂😂

Aren’t you the prefect person! Massive congratulations for your totally patronising post.

me asking my neighbour to take a parcel or get the bin in when I’m on holiday doesn’t make me needy or inept. 🙄 it’s just being kind and helpful.

it’s great that some people are so self sufficient that they don’t need help sometimes. Well done to them. But some of us do. Our neighbour came and told us when we had a loose roof tile. We told them when they’d left car lights on. They’ve leant us some garden tools. We’ve helped them with a parcel.

not asking them to come decorate the house or do all my laundry and every week.

@notanothernamechange24 I told you my experience and that I was turned down. I explained my circumstances and my cancer etc but they said no. There’s nothing a person can do if the admin say no. I couldn’t force them to take me. I’m not the only one on this thread explaining the reality of the situation. For example @Kirbert2 has said the same thing.

If I was turned down for patient transport who is paying for taxi fares for a patient?!

What SHOULD happen and what ACTUALLY happens seems miles apart on this thread.

How do you know the neighbour was absolutely desperate? Her heaving without saying goodbye suggest other backround to me.

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If you re-read her post, it sounds like
you have similar ideas of neighbourliness.

her: water plants and take bins out when the other is on holiday

you: take a parcel or get the bin in, mention a loose roof tile.

Neither of you are making 2 hour long drives for neighbours.

Not deluded. Thanks for that though.

we have nice neighbours and offer to help with things. Nothing major - bins, keys, parcels etc. We’ve done things for them and they have done things for us. In this house and previous.

really sad to read that so many people have had such horrible experiences with their neighbours.

i had an awful time a few years ago - baby was rushed to hospital, husband on way home from work. Needed other child to go somewhere for 15 mins until he could get home so I could travel in ambulance. Luckily my neighbour took them willingly. Very grateful.

For me it really depends on what "we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty" actually looks like. If there wasn't a cost to me other than a talking to family to change our calendars a bit, I would have said yes because I think building up connections with neighbours helps make for a much nicer society.

But I wouldn't have messed around work colleagues, asked favors from others, or missed out on something I'd organized to go to, etc. to save my neighbour taxi fare.

(If we lived somewhere reliable taxis aren't easy to get, I'd go more out of my way).

Nothing major - bins, keys, parcels etc.

Yes like OP has been doing. 2 hour round trips during OPs work day because her own children 'are working' and she doesn't want to use public transport is not a minor thing.

but I said I would if my neighbour needed it and I could. I’m grateful for our neighbours.

then she said anyone requiring this support is inept and needy. I don’t believe I am inept and needy - but will help if I can.

my other post highlights how we’ve been so grateful for support in the past so I will always try to help.

her post came across as patronising which is why I got annoyed.