AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

My parents are in their 70s and retired. I asked them whether they would expect a neighbour to do this for them and they said they would, if they were home like we are. We work from home! I advised them never to ask a neighbour for this level of help.

And there you have it @IGotDreams! Your parents, like 37% of posters on this thread, don't consider your WFH to be "real work" and therefore you're available as an anytime general dogsbody for dispensing kindness

Fucking batshit 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Not wanting to take 2 hours out of your working day, which means rearranging meetings, taking the 2 hours back after work or at the weekend and having to get it approved by management - DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE NOT A KIND PERSON.

It means you are a full-time working person with responsibilities and duties and are unable to commit to the request.

You, a mother yourself, trying to guilt trip another working mother into feeling bad over this scenario is fucking disgusting.

I’m embarrassed for you.

Why shouldn’t she post? The majority of people have said OP is not being unreasonable. Why shouldn’t she get their support just because you disagree?

Are you the arbiter of what is right or wrong?

Wow. Just very harsh to not even consider trying to help. No wonder we have a loneliness crisis.

I am 75 and only have a small additional pension in addition to my state pension. I do have a car, but parking is scarce at my local hospital. I get a taxi there and back when I have appointments. My son would take me, or pick me up if I was going to be wobbly, after treatment. She is cheeky. If people are desperately ill, with no one to help them, then of course it is right to help, but not people who have family, who just don't want to be inconvenienced. Why does she think your time is less valuable than her own family's?

Only on Mumsnet, where nobody answers their doors or wants people coming over unannounced but you must give a neighbour you don't even know a lift to a hospital that is a 2 hour drive and you must do this by rearranging your life instead of the neighbour rearranging theirs. Smh!!!
I'm team OP for what it's worth!! I can imagine if she knew the neighbour more then she would have been more likely to help

OP. theere are shedloads of people on here who would jump at the chance to help your neighbour. Have them send their details to you and your neighbour could set up a rota.

In my world, YABU. Massively. I am shocked that more people are not voting to reflect this. OP, everyone is 'busy'. If you can't help a neighbour out in this small way for four weeks, that is really depressing. Helping in small ways is what builds a neighbourhood and weaves the fabric of society. I think that when you are older you will feel ashamed remembering this.

**Seeing your updates, you added that it's a 2 hour round trip. If it is genuinely a 2 hour outing, I can better understand your refusal. In your shoes, I'd have offered to do it once if she's stuck for a ride, but perhaps not every week, given the distance. But it's your cavalier attitude that the neighbour is out of line for asking and borderline crazy, should never has asked, and is worthy of mockery, that I am objecting to. Gross.

There's a PTS (patient transport service) which exists for this kind of thing, they are part of the Ambulance Service. Sometimes they have to pick you up fairly early, to ensure you get there on time, but if she or her children don't want to pay for a taxi, it's an option. In this area (covered by NWAS, North West Ambulance Service) you just phone the freephone number to book it. Also, why are her children not sorting this out for her?

This^.

But if your dad worked outside the home I bet he wouldn't actually have taken 4 mornings off work for this though, or asked expected one of his (male) friends to do so either.

Lots of people agree with the OP that her neighbour is being unreasonable asking OP for such a big favour when she hasn't bothered with OP during the four years since they moved in and they aren't friends. 63% of voters think OP isn't being unreasonable.

I assume that because OP's mum said that OP should help her neighbour, she started second-guessing herself. After finding out that it would be a two-hour round trip during the day when OP is working from home and that her neighbour has a partner and adult children who could help her, most people who have responded think that OP isn't being unreasonable.

😂😂😂

the neighbours partner and children are the harsh ones I’d say

Is your mum my sister? She seems to think that it's her place to tell everyone what they should be doing,. I've told her many times that it's not her place to arrange other people's lives but she keeps suggesting this, that and the other. Blew up a bit (actually, quite an epic blow up!) at Christmas when I gave her a piece of my mind, she didn't talk to me for ages.
And no, in your circumstances op I wouldn't do it.

The neighbour has adult children and a partner, perhaps you should be blaming them if the neighbour is feeling lonely?

And what have you done to help with the loneliness crisis

And may I ask what your scantimonous self has done to help with the loneliness crisis
I will wait

Yes, maybe read ALL the OP's posts before replying and claiming its helping in 'small ways'.

2hrs each time means OP moving her own work day around for someone she barely knows, potentially missing the school pick up and likely having to work back later into the evening to make up the time! The neighbour didn't ask for just 1 lift, but 4 and could have been more gracious when told no. Potentially she might have had a different response if she'd just asked for 1 lift, or explained she'd exhausted every, other, possible transport option- she didn't though.

As I posted up thread, the neighbour could:
-ask her own family, partner (that visits often) or friends
-taxi/uber
-local volunteer groups
-hospital transport
-public transport
-hospital shuttle bus (our local one is free to pensioners)

I was aways helping elderly neighbours, one in particular became a real problem. Good on you OP for saying no, it's like opening the floodgates with some people, she sounds like one of those.

I'm elderly myself now, I would never ask anyone for anything, even though my lovely neighbours always offer.

If I could have fitted it in AND it was roughly on my way I’d have done it. It’s only 4 times.

However I did this once for my neighbour before she passed her driving test and now she completely blanks me.

No good deed goes unpunished!

What are you talking about?! Apart from the 2-hour round trip bit, the OP told us virtually everything in her first post. And you still haven't explained why on earth a 2-minute visit from your neighbour to give your dog a chin scratch and let him have a pee is REMOTELY the same, as four 2-hour round trips to a hospital (in one month) for a neighbour who has very little to do with you normally!

Yeah this! ^ Those who carp and shout the loudest and finger-wag at WOMEN for not being subservient and doing what they're told when anyone asks, are almost ALWAYS the type who wouldn't give you the mud off their shoes, or a lift to a place 3 miles away once a year.

YANBU at all and I am surprised at the amount of comments basically insinuating you should.

Really funny the ones asking if there's this and that or could the adult kids do this or that. Why the hell is that your problem or your business to know?!

I think she was rude to walk off and should have been more accepting.

in our situation we have some neighbours who we like and say hello to but wouldn’t class as friends. We help with packages and bins if someone is on holiday and vice versa.

if one of them asked for help and I could then yes I think I would. Or I’d say I could do 1/2 of the 4 to be kind and then hope they’d help us too. Which they would - they’ve offered things before.

If there’s no way i could help due to the timings then I would be honest.

I think it all depends on your relationships and what you value. We do our bit so that we can ask for support too.

I did put YABU as you seem determined not to help this person. I hope you don’t need anything from them in the future!!