AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

Just because you live by someone doesn’t mean you know them well. I have said hello if we have been outside at the same time and have had a few short conversations with her. That’s it. We hardly know her.

It’s not on my conscience at all. As I said in my OP, I hadn’t give it a thought until my parents asked if I had changed my mind. I thought they were mad but I often do, so I thought I’d see if people would think like me or my parents. 2/3 of people who voted don’t think I’m unreasonable.

She's got the wrong impression of you, that's probably why she walked away shocked.

I'd have no problem helping neighbours who suddenly find themselves stuck or don't have anyone in their lives to give them a hand. I wouldn't be willing to do so if they have family, friends and are fit enough to go via taxi or public transport.

I've helped neighbours out and there've been a couple who took advantage, so I had to stop.

YANBU OP. A 2 hour rough trip is far too much. If it was 10 mins I would probably do it but absolutely not if if meant missing anything in my own life. I wonder if she thinks you don't work because you are at home.

You actually cannot see the difference between your neighbour 'giving your dog a 'chin scratch' and letting her out for a wee' and driving somebody to hospital FOUR TIMES in one month?! A 2-hour round trip each time, and for which you would have to book leave from work?!

Seriously?! How are even comparing YOUR give-my-dog-a-chin-scratch and let-him-out-for-a pee scenario to the OP's dilemma?!

And sadly, your passive aggressive 'oooh wait til YOU need help and no-one will help!' attitude is not the GOTCHA that you think it is. Many people (myself included,) have bent over backwards to help people in the past (for many years!) and been used over and over again and done 'favours' galore for people.

Guess what? Many of them have NOT returned the favour when you need it! I'm not saying favours should be transactional, but some people do NOTHING in return, and are always unable/busy when asked.

As I said, (and many others have said,) I will help in an emergency, now and again, but I will NOT do anything on a regular basis. See also: giving lifts. You want regular car ride/lifts? Learn to drive and buy a car and pay to run and maintain it - like I have to. OR get a taxi!

Because I wondered if I was in the majority or minority with how I feel about it. My parents were telling me that everyone would think it’s absurd not to help a neighbour with this so I wondered whether that was the case or not.

I would for a neighbour if it’s a 15 min round trip, which our local
hospital is, and I can drop them off before work, so before 8am. But it would be dependent on having got the kids to school so I probably couldn’t commit to all four weeks.

These are the sort of neighbours who would take in parcels, water containers whilst on holiday, occasionally have a chat on the front path sort of relationship. When I had to go into hospital we had to use a taxi.

I wouldn’t be able to take two hours out of my work day to drive that distance to hospital though! That’s a lot to ask. It’s not like taking in a parcel or adding a pint of milk when you’re going to the shop anyway.

In my experience of offering a hospital lift to a genuinely elderly person (not a 60yo!), it ends up taking far longer than they said, they then assume you’re available for anything and everything, it costs a fortune because of parking as well and the requests and entitlement never stop.

Your parents are from a different generation - where some women didn't even work, and there were more family members around to help - even though it was still largely WOMEN helping/being asked/put on!

You know YOURSELF if you can put out all this effort and time, and it doesn't sound like you can, so don't! As a pp said, if your parents feel so strongly about this woman being given four 2-hour round trip lifts in one month, then they can take her. I bet they're retired aren't they?

Don't do it @IGotDreams ! This will be the tip of the iceberg. You will be used as the go-to chauffeur for this person, and others too. TRUST ME! I KNOW!!! They may be a bit sniffy and offended at NO but they will get over it. And they probably won't ask again!

@EmotionalBlackmail read the OP's posts! The hospital is a TWO HOUR round trip!

The me two years ago would have had my hand in the air and helped anyone. If she were still alive I'd help my old, elderly neighbour because I loved her and she helped me.

But I've been so badly let down the past two years I'm different. I'd help my DC and my best friend and that's it.

If your DM is that bothered she can help.

🙄

In your opinion! You don't get to tell people what to post/how to post, and that there threads are not interesting enough! Clearly interesting enough for you to comment on it eh?!

Oh, was there a drip feed?

Must have missed it.

Mumsnet is amazing. People on this thread willing to drive 2 hours (out of a working day) to bring a neighbour they hardly know to an appointment. On another thread people saying that actual friends dropping round to visit should be glad of a half cup of tea and some old crust and how dare they expect more.
What a collection we are 😍

Don’t be so ridiculous.

Your attempt at trying to make the OP feel guilty is shameful.

The OP works and has children. The neighbour has her own adult children who can rearrange their lives to help.

And as someone who has had multiple relatives undergo chemotherapy there are various charities that offer hospital transport for cancer patients.

There is no way I would waste four days of annual leave to take a random neighbour I barely knew on a weekly two hour round trip to hospital. YANBU, it’s a ludicrously cheeky thing to ask.

My parents are in their 70s and retired. I asked them whether they would expect a neighbour to do this for them and they said they would, if they were home like we are. We work from home! I advised them never to ask a neighbour for this level of help.

My mum worked very part time once we were adults, never when we were kids. We weren’t taken to school as it was local. We weren’t taken to activities because we didn’t do any. We didn’t have pets as they were too much work. They haven’t got friends and from what I’ve seen they don’t put much effort into relationships with people.

I don’t think my parents can comprehend how busy our lives are with both working full time, having children, school runs, pets, hobbies and other responsibilities in life. I’m pleased that they’re able to relax in their retirement, but they should stop pushing me to do more.

😂😂😂

I wouldn't have agreed, my schedule is unpredictable so I couldn't commit to an arrangement like that. Plus I live in London, in easy reach of good public transport or Uber to any hospital and I have always done that myself (for all sorts of conditions) so I would expect others to do that too.

I'd do it but only if it didn't put me out in any way. After the first 1 or 2 lifts, if they seemed ungrateful or entitled, I'd stop.

She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

This was a very, very rude reaction from her, and shows she

1. doesn't see how big of an ask her request is, especially considering you don't really know each other and she's, presumably, never done you a similar favour before
2. feels entitled to your help and time.

You did the right thing saying no, but I'm someone who really begrudges lifting a finger for entitled, rude people. She can pay for a taxi like anyone else in her position would have to do.

If you are often let down by taxis then you need to find a better and more established taxi company.

Oh bless 😞 the poor CF neighbour 😞 however will she survive this ordeal? 😞 thoughts and prayers to both you and her 😞

I'm amazed she had the cheek to ask for all four trips! If she'd asked for just the one you might have been inclined to help (although a 2 hour round trip is a big ask) and maybe she could ask someone else for the others. I wouldn't have been at all surprised, had you agreed, if she had told you in the car on the way that her kids had some sort of emergency and couldn't provide the lift home after all, so could you wait and bring her back again. YANBU

In your shoes, if the hospital was close by, I'd probably drop her off, but as it's a two-hour round trip during the working day, it's not feasible. You'd probably have to take leave to do it - and as she has adult children in the area, why can't they use their leave instead?

I've helped neighbors out before and they've dropped me at the station occasionally, but we're talking about 10-15 minute trips each way. No one's ever had to take leave to help out.

@Cranarc I know! If the OP can take half-days of leave, that would be two full days of AL; if she can only take full days, it's four of AL used up, that's a big chunk.

It's an enormous ask!

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