AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

So you do help people... But never neighbours of course, and would never ask for neighbours help.

Not my style, but it's clearly yours and works for you.

End of (weird) story I guess....

This. Theres a reason the adult kids are not giving up their time to do both ends of the lifts.

why can her children not do it? oh because it would interfere with their work!

A 2- hour round trip is notba small ask. That is a large chunk out of the working day, the sort of absence from your desk that you'd need to OK with your manager, and would knock out your lunch break for that day.

It was a big ask, and she was a CF putting you on the spot like that.

Only a fool says "I will never need any help from anyone ever"

Except no one has said this.

Everyone’s set up is different. In many cases, it’s prudent for people to build up relationships with their neighbours, especially if they don’t have many family and friends. In this scenario, you might do more for your neighbours to establish a give and take relationship.

But many people don’t have that kind of relationship with their neighbours because they already exchange that help with friends and family. In that situation, a request from a neighbour you don’t know well for such a favour involving time off from work for the whole morning or even the whole day for
multiple weeks can be jarring.

And once you set a precedent, it’s very hard to back out, as is shown by many of the posts upthread.

Meh, I'd say YABU. It's 8 hours of total driving across a month and she wouldn't have asked unless she was absolutely desperate.

The fact you said you could move stuff is even worse, and would say no even if it was 20 mins each way!

I always try to help others out where possible, which it sounds like it was for you.

She sounds like she was desperate to ask, not cheeky @IGotDreams

Fine to ask. Fine to refuse because you can't help.

A two-hour round trip for the OP. On a working day, when she is expected to put in her 8 hours around school runs.
That is why.
Plus the neighbour is setting off my CF detector from the other end of the internet.

YANBU if you start doing this her kids may slack off and she’ll be asking you more often. Her / her kids could pay for a taxi. Don’t you have a local bus that serves the hospital ? There are some organisations that arrange transport for patients, she / her kids could make enquiries about this.

We have a neighbourhood WhatsApp group and email list. People take in each other's parcels, look out for lost cats, share spare tomato plants, recommend tradespeople, alert the neighbourhood to dodgy behaviour, bring in bins/water gardens/feed pets for those on holiday.

I thought that was helpful and neighbourly behaviour - turns out we're mere amateurs, when according to this thread, everybody else is merrily driving each other around for 2 hours in the middle of their working days

If it was a neighbour I knew well I would have probably said yes but secretly I would rather not be asked.
A neighbour you don’t know asking for multiple lifts is very odd indeed.
Basically they just want you as a free taxi service.
It’s a slippery slope as this could well become a bit of a thing and they could end up wanting lifts for all sorts of reasons.
Their adult children need to be sorting this out for them.
First time requested.
Second time expected.
Third time demanded.
From her reaction she clearly thought you’d say yes. I think you dodged a bullet there!

Wow!

.

So many people on these kinds of threads saying - be nice to your neighbours as you may never know when you may need their help. That's not being nice, its being transactional by a back door. It would be so much more honest to say to someone who asks for a favour - ok but I am not a charity so will have to charge you ££ to cover my time or gas.

I’m not sure many bosses would be ok with their employeees taking 2 hours off their work for 4 weeks in a row for this

Well done on ‘setting boundaries’ and ‘using your words’ OP

*two favourite MN buzzwords 😂

I prob wouldnt either op. Alot to ask. Then is more expected.. definitely with my mum the more you do its just presumed then and more requests

Exactly.

And I'm just putting this out there, but I bet my HOUSE that she didn't ask your husband?

Maybe your mum should offer to help?

Then we’re amateurs foo because this is the sort of neighbourly behaviour on our WA group too.

If I asked my lovely neighbour for 2 hour lifts I think they would look at me like I’d grown two heads.

There is a huge difference between helping friends and family with things like this than neighbours who we hardly know. We have lived here for 4 years and this woman has not made any effort with us. We have taken in parcels for her and had to take them to her as she hasn’t bothered to get them from us. We don’t really mind and she’ll chat a bit when we take them over but it’s obvious she has wanted to be friendly but not friends with us, which suits us too. When a neighbour took in a parcel for us, my husband went and got it as soon as he got home. In our last house, one of our other neighbours asked to borrow a drill and we lent it to them, but that’s not on the same scale as this.

This request is asking too much from someone you hardly know imo.

I would wonder why someone who was that ‘desperate’, couldn’t use a taxi?

You've said no and that should be an end to it. But it's disingenuous to say you hardly know her when you've actually lived there for years. It's obviously on your conscience or why else start a thread?

YANBU. She was within her rights to ask, as you are well within your rights to say no. Even if you weren't busy, you don't have to justify your answer. Add onto the fact it's an hour each way and she expects you to do that in the middle of your working day 4 times is the height of entitlement. I would do it for my neighbours who I am friendly with IF I wasn't working and it wasn't far but absolutely not in your scenario.

Quite. I've taken a neighbour into hospital in the middle of the night and waited hours with them, and don't expect them to be grateful at all. This kind of help in an emergency is akin to giving out tomato plants etc, anyone would do that. Asking someone to clear 4 work mornings for you is a completely different kettle of fish. My neighbour whom I took to hospital would be embarrassed to ask that.

Here, OP, I think she thinks your WFH is not real work, and has little insight into how much of an imposition she is asking for.

How do you know she wouldn’t have asked unless she was desperate? She has adult children. She has a partner. She has other what I presume are family or friends that I see visiting. Even if no one could take her, there are buses, trains and Ubers so how can she have been desperate like she had no options? You’re just making it up. Cheeky people do exist. Asking a neighbour who you don’t really know, to do this, when an uber would do the same thing without inconveniencing that neighbour who you don’t know, is cheeky.

Ok so don't help?

You've made your mind up, it's been decided now, you've told them "no", you've also told your parents that you've told them "no"... that's your decision so..... that's it.

What are you looking for from this thread? It doesn't matter to you what other people think, clearly.