AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

Then I hope that system never lets you down....it isnt alwats to possible to simply throw money at a problem in an emergency.

I had to go to A&E last month - my poor dog at home and I live alone. Obviously I dont schedule a visit to A&E in advance - it is an emergency. I asked my neighbours to go in and give dog a chin scratch amd let her out for a wee. Does that make me less than you because I needed to ask someone for help?

Money doesnt always solve the problem. Especially if it is an urgent one.

If you "system" ever lets you down you're in for a shock. And you'll probably be moaning on here that no one wants to help you. Surprise suprise....

I am not sure why people are saying YABU.

The adult children are clearly unable to alter their work plans (fair enough) but why does that mean your work plans are less important or more flexible?
I know that if I was asked the same I wouldn’t be able to do it.
It’s not an insignificant amount of time they are asking from you and not something that easy to arrange with work (as her children have presumably found out).

We often help our neighbours out with lots of other things and vice versa but I wouldn’t dream of asking a neighbour who worked and had young children to then take me to regular appointments that would require hours at a time. That is very unreasonable and the cheek to be annoyed with you!

I would have said no too - I wouldn't rearrange things to help a neighbour, and I probably wouldn't do it even if I was free tbh. It wouldn't occur to me to ask a neighbour. There are options for taxi, uber etc if family and close friends can't help. Surely if they have asked others and not had any luck, they wouldn't be surprised that you wouldn't either. It is surprising she asked.

money usually does, eg taxis, private health care etc

Basically this!

So boring that you had to post and get it on your Watched threads list.

Haven’t read PP, only OP and her updates.
YANBU. Wonder if she asked any local male neighbours (and got annoyed when they said no). Your neighbour (and mum) just thought this should be added to your unpaid womens jobs list .

I think people should help their neighbours out, but I don't think lifts is the sort of thing neighbours should help with.
Getting things from the shops if they are going, taking in parcels, checking on elderly neighbours in extreme weather, being there in emergencies, lending power tools or small food items, these are all neighbour helping things. Not regular lifts for four weeks. That's the job of the adult kids.

That poster is one of the most vitriolic posters on Mumsnet but is constantly berating the OP and other posters for not being kind. It's a really infuriating example of utter hypocrisy.

PALS at the hospital can arrange transport.

And in my case?

googling random dog sitters - who probably are not available- to drive to my house within the next four hours to deal with a dog they havent met, for a client they dont even have......? Get real.

As I said, money doesnt solve all problems, especially ones of an emergency:last minute nature.

Only a fool says "I will never need any help from anyone ever"

and to quote Lionel luther, no person is an island.
so on that we agree

Totally.

OP seems to have nailed her colours to that mast though, and I hope she doesnt come unstuck.

I doubt help would be forthcoming if this is how she usually treats those around her.

I definitely would have helped. Without a second thought, to be honest.

What you asked of your neighbour isn't much. It's the sort of thing me and my neighbours do for each other. What OP's neighbour is asking is a lot more though.

I would have said no as well. And I've had a neighbour ask me for the same thing. And take in her supermarket deliveries, her parcels.

She assumes because I have a car and am home all day, I'm available for all random things.

I'm home all day because I'm disabled. I have many medical appointments each week but they have to visit me at home. I'm classed as housebound. My car hasn't been used since December.

I bought a parcel box because I rely on things being delivered. My postie comes at 7.30am and I'm not always up. Neighbour is now using my parcel box for her deliveries!

Some people are just CFs! Keep strong and stick by your limits. Don't be forced or guilty into anything.

I wouldn’t dream of asking a neighbour to reschedule their plans repeatedly to give me weekly lifts. Family, if they don’t mind is one thing-I’d do it for my parents/siblings. I’d get a taxi if I was stuck!

I think you should be more ashamed of yourself for this post dripping in judgement and sanctimony.

OP has a job. I bet you’re one of these people who would be horrified if someone was wfh and their children were also being looked after.

be quiet

I would have said yes because they must be really desperate to ask in the first place. I am shocked at how uncaring you are OP. I thank my lucky stars ny neighbours and friends have empathy.

I have a lot of friends and family and I put a lot of effort and give a lot of time to those relationships. I can’t support everyone though. Spreading yourself too thin doesn’t work.

Yanbu. I wouldn't mind helping on the day if they asked me and I was available to do it. But I wouldn't want the commitment of having to do it several times over a few weeks. Either letting her down or having to cancel or rearrange things because I'd already committed to that. I think if you did it, she'd start asking you to drive her to other places.

Don’t hospitals have volunteer drivers anymore? There used to be I think they got their mileage paid but their time was voluntary.

i don’t think you were unreasonable. I live on a long street and we have a brilliant WhatsApp group where people can easily ask for help with things. I quite like giving lifts to people but only when it suits me. I wouldn’t like to commit for 4 weeks

Absolutely no guilt needed. An emergency yes Absolutely. A regular pre planned thing no.

Not the end of the world, but possibly the start of a world of CF-ery, as @Larrythecatforpm's post evidences. Anyone who feels comfortable asking someone they hardly know for a favour of this weight, and is surprised when they get a refusal, is a potential CF hazard.