AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

I would do it if I could, but in your situation I don't blame you at all for saying no. You're at work and already have to use your break times to do school runs, you literally have no time to do it. If you were a SAHM and had most of the day free then it would have been nice to help out but that's unfortunately not the case.

I would have helped out.

I would have helped once but made it clear I was unable to commit to the rest of the time. Just saying 'no' in such a blunt manner, is what is mean, not the actual refusal per se.

The op still has to drive herself an hour back home.

Not unreasonable at all. Taxis exist so it’s not like she’ll be unable to get there without your help. If I was free and someone asked me I might, but not if it means rearranging an already busy day. And if you agreed you’d probably find she asks for more lifts later as well.

YANBU
I have an older neighbour that I was very friendly with. I ended up being asked for lifts all the time.
Airport runs at 3am when I had work a few hours later!
Asked to book holidays and organise passports etc. In fact, if it hadn’t been for me, she wouldn’t have been able to go as I checked the passport requirements and let her know that she’d need a new one!
Asked to source items online for her and order them with my credit card.
In the end up, I started saying that I’d had wine with my dinner so I couldn’t drive.
Her daughter lived two minutes away!

I then found out that she’d been badmouthing me to another neighbour and telling complete lies! She also asked this neighbour for lifts etc all the time.
Neither of us speak to her now.

I think you’re changing the goalposts OP. Originally you said you could do it without too much difficulty, so you were saying No because you wanted to (perfectly valid response btw!) Updates have led it more to ‘Its just not possible’ territory. My original comment still stands though - If I could help at all I would but I wouldn’t commit to taking her every week from the start.

Just when I thought I couldn't get more mystified, there's now posters saying that it's "only" an hour to drive there. Does the OP have undisclosed teleportation powers to get home - now that would be a drip-feed!

An hour trip? Absolutely not. Cheek of it.

I would have helped if I could. Let's hope you never find yourself in that position. You won't always be as young and independent as you are now.

An airport run at 3 am is an entirely different matter.

If her adult children won’t rearrange their schedules to help her I don’t see why you should. I don’t mean to sound uncaring but in my experience once you start these things the requests keep coming and you can end up being a bit of a mug!!

The neighbour is NOT old. She also has adult DC and a partner. They should be doing it. Or she could use hospital transport.

T

@ismiledatherthat is simply not true though. Anyone who is having treatment for cancer is eligible for patient transport. Also to have their taxi costs paid. You were misinformed that you were not eligible.

Two hours there and back. During OP's working day so she'd need to book time off.

You can! Send OP your number and she can let her neighbour know you’ll be doing the lifts.

@IGotDreams Have you had any kind PMs offering kindness to your neighbour yet?

I would (and have) helped out in this kind of situation. But also having firm boundaries and making it clear that if it extends to 8 weeks, or if includes waiting and doing the return trip then it's a firm 'no'.

But then I also feel I can ask my neighbour to take in my delivery parcel (and in one case keep it in their fridge until I returned from holiday 2 week later).

It is a real balance between community spirit and being taken a loan of.

My dm provided support to her (much younger) neighbour when the neighbour had cancer. And I was so grateful that another neighbour helped out my Mum when she had frequent falls. It's not always a directly reciprocal system. It's being neighbourly.

So uneventful and boring, unreasonable to make a thread about it

You can do whatever you want.

But don't expect them to help you out the next time you need it.

Being as you asked (only because you asked) I would have helped yes - it is 4 times in total, one per week. Not forever and ever and ever

I think you need the right thing - you say that you or your partner would have to miss some of your kids end of term events - that would not be fair on them.

You say that the hospital is an hour away - I assume that is in good traffic conditions if there is an accident etc the two hours there and back could become much longer.

Also you do not know what condition your neighbour has and if there will be more appointments. It would be much harder to say no after taking her to the four.

My experience of agreeing to lifts is that you will be asked more and more, and can end up being taken for granted.

She can get a cab, surely? That's what i'd do. She is probably now embarrassed, wishing she hadn't asked but if it is a faff for you to rearrange things, nobody can blame you for refuising. Just let it go, she won't be asking you again!

I agree. I think 🤣
(I was taking her to visit someone in hospital and I’d be sitting in the car with my DC, waiting for her.
She’d want me to pick her up from a friend’s but instead of coming out, I’d have to go in and sit for a while!
My DC were young at the time and I had a really demanding job.)

YourShyLion
Are you the next door neighbour, or are you plain old fashioned bonkers?