AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

This I would say no. If she mentioned it I might offer but that’s on me. I once was asked to do a favour for another mum and it was then never ending. I ditched her and had to do it quite firmly in the end.

When we moved in here the next door neighbour asked my husband if he was good at DIY and he said ask my wife she’s better. But she’d already been rude to me so she then didn’t bother

It’s interesting, isn’t it? It doesn’t occur to some people that they could get a taxi. Obviously some people can’t afford that extra expense hug even some who can, just balk at the idea. I don’t know if it’s the money, or being in a car with a stranger, or worrying that they won’t arrive on time. So I see why you think this is your obvious solution but gheh may have a mental block. I would probably have offered to do one or two of the lifts.

I’d maybe do 2 out of the 4 depending on commitments/work etc, although it really is her family’s responsibility.
otherwise I’d help her to access some form of voluntary transport. There might be something on the hospital website.

She could have had hospital transport.

I work a hybrid pattern so from home and the office each day.

Ny DH thinks that when I’m at home I can get on and do housework, feed our farm animals, cook his dinner etc. We work for the same firm so he has no excuse to think that way 😂

So many people see it as a jolly. I’m working!!

Having been raised by a person who would drop her kids just to do something for a stranger so she looked good to the outside world, no matter what it was I would say no as standard. You barely know the woman and she clearly has a partner and adult kids so why she approached you is beyond me. That said my mother would do the same and be shocked if people did not want to rush to her rescue and delight in helping her but they she believes the world revolves around her.

Neighbour clearly thinks her time is more important than yours so you were right to say no.

Even by your usual standards, this is a ridiculous post.

Reiterating that even if it wasn’t far away and if they offered to pay or you weren’t working, you’d still say no, makes you sound like a right peach OP.

Yep, I know someone like this. Likes to present an angelic image. Is always a bit stupefied when I tell her that no, I won't be picking up a relative she has volunteered me out to or paying for entry tickets for a cousin's kids she wants to treat to a day out.

It's a 2 hour round trip
Over 4 weeks
8 hours
Which is a day s pay
Would you give up a day's pay
During a COL crisis
When OP has DC
When OP has children to attend too

OP isn't selfish. Her neighbour is fucking cheeky though. It's a two hour round trip and OP works from home so would need to book time off. This woman has a partner and adult children so there is no reason why they can't take her. She expects OP who is a mere acquaintance, not a friend and certainly not a relative, to take time off work for at least two hours four times a month.

She's early sixties so not even elderly so she could book a taxi or an Uber.

Yes the fact it's an hour each way makes a difference.

If my neighbour asked me I'd agree to do it once as I WFH and have an understanding employer, but I'd expect other neighbours to chip in and do a trip too.

But an hour each way is ridiculous. The neighbour's children need to make arrangements to help. I've taken time off work to go to my mum's so I could take her to an appointment.

Why don’t you message the OP and get the details, so lovely of you to offer!

But it's causing OP inconvenience
2 hours out of working is a lot

This is a perception presented through the lens of someone describing their point of view, it’s human nature to sugarcoat our side. The lady was more likely to be embarrassed.

So op should use use 8 hours of her time and pay for petrol, make up for the hours she missed at work. For someone she doesn't even know? Otherwise she should be ashamed of herself?!

If the neighbour has made no effort to strike up a friendly relationship with op until she wants her to do something for her, op is within her rights to prioritise her own commitments. Why shouldn't the neighbours partner be ashamed of himself not taking his partner to the hospital, why should the neighbour not be ashamed of herself stopping off when a stranger has said she's unable to commit to this? Why should the neighbour not feel ashamed for not paying for her own taxi fare and expecting a stranger to provide the service for free?

Op is teaching her children boundaries it is acceptable to put yourself and your families needs before randomers wants.
Wgatvif the hospital treatment continues past 4 weeks or the neighbours children bail out of picking her up from the hospital, should op just do it indefinitely until the end of time?

Yes it is. It's not just 10 minutes down the road.

It's also really stressful driving someone you're not close to for long distances.

Imagine if there was an accident, you would feel such guilt.

I wouldn’t have done. And I think her reaction is confirmation your “no” was the right answer! If you said yes I bet she’d be back for all sorts.

If there is a reason they can’t get a taxi then yabu and I would try and help, however, it seems unlikely they can’t get a taxi or a hospital minibus so in that case yanbu

I’ve dropped neighbours but it’s 20 minutes away, an hour is quite different

It's absolutely is a big ask
Next door neighbour is in her 60s
So not exactly ancient
Most people on their 60s are stil working
She has dc s and a partner
Op had a JOB and CHILDREN
WHY should she upheave her life for a neighbour too tight to pay for a taxi

It is when it's 2 hours out of the working day
Would you employer be happy with you taking 2 hours out

💯 agree

I think it’s a tad mean spirited since it’s only four drives there, she wasn’t expecting you to wait around and drop her back as well. You haven’t mentioned times but said you would technically be able to do it so no real reason not to other than not wanting to be neighbourly I guess.