AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

If I could, I would. But not if it was difficult to do so. I currently help out a neighbour a couple of times a week who's losing her marbles a bit, and whose son lives a couple of hours drive away. But it's not hard for me to fit this in to my week, and doesn't cause me any inconvenience.

Your neighbour sounds like one of those people who think working from home does not really qualify as working.

Does your neighbour with cancer have a partner and adult dc who drive?

I've just seen it is a two-hour round trip! That's a bigger commitment for sure.
I get why you refused and fair enough really. Obviously it would have been really kind to help her, but that is a bit chunk out of your working day.

No I wouldn't have helped, but that's because I am a bit bitter and scarred from being treated like shit (and used) by many people for the first 25 years or so of my adult life. From extended family, to friends, to mums of my DC's friends, to neighbours. I will help in an emergency, but would NOT do a regular 'favour.'

A family moved in across the road some 5 years ago, and they were OK but I didn't have anything to do with them other than saying 'hi.' After about 2 months, I started getting delivery drivers knocking on my door, with a package for No 8 across the road. I was like 'oh, er, OK then.' disclaimer: I HATE taking packages in for people, as it means having to look out for them, then go around to their house as soon as they pull up on the drive... Or I'm hoping they will answer the door when I take it across. (I don't wait for them to come as I want the package out of my house!)

Anyway tl;dr, it emerged after about 6 deliveries TO MY HOUSE that she had told the delivery driver to knock at No 7 (my house) if she wasn't in or didn't answer the door! I was recorded as being an 'alternative delivery address.' Cheeky cow! I told the delivery driver 'I will take this one, but take me OFF as an alternative delivery address!' He said 'OK.' Even so, a week later I got another delivery driver going to her house to take a package and she didn't answer even though she was in, and he came trotting over to me. I didn't answer the door. He knocked for about 5 minutes... I was fuming! I thought 'fuck off!'

Anyway he went, and I heard her on the phone to her mum (who lives 10 miles away) about 5-6 days later, whining that this item she had ordered had been flagged to go back to the seller, and a week later, no-one knew where it was. I don't know if she ever got it back and I don't care, but after that, I stopped getting constant knocks from delivery drivers! 😆 WHY DID YOU NOT ANSWER THE DOOR YOU SILLY MOO?! YOU WERE IN!!!

The odd one I don't mind, but putting me down as a secondary delivery address, when I barely knew her, and WITHOUT ASKING pissed me right off. I don't allow myself to be used anymore. Been like this since about the age of 50. People don't seem to dislike or resent me for it, they just ask someone else. It feels very liberating, not being afraid to say no. It comes with age I think...

She has a partner and adult children, they should be her port of call.
Some people prefer asking favours from acquaintances because they don’t want to inconvenience their own closed ones.

I didnt get that feeling
Most were saying YANBU

She said (the DCs) are busy with work

It's the usual go-to, @IGotDreams, and while I'm sure you're busy too it doesn't sound as if you're in a position to know whether they're really busy or just exhausted with an endless stream of demands

Certainly I'd help, but I'd do it by offering details of hospital transport, taxi numbers, etc, and if she refuses all of these you may have your answer

The distance and the condition doesn't matter, or whether OP can make the space to. She doesn't want to. Next time OP don't say "I'm busy with work" just tell her you don't want to, because that's the truth.

I live somewhere nice. It's not a rich area, it's a council estate, but if you need a prescription collected or a pair of jump leads then there are people raising their hands.

I think your neighbour might be going through something distressing or difficult and small acts of kindness can mean the world to people under these conditions. I would do it in a heartbeat because my goodness the world needs more of that sort of thing. No wonder people get lonely.

I would have taken her if it didnt clash with any family commitments. I think people should help each other more. The older generation dont use taxis as much as younger people. And maybe she cant afford it? Its only 4 times she will need a lift. Over 4 weeks. It doesnt seem a big ask to me.

@zov Yes the parcel thing can really get out of hand. Your story reminded me so much of the Christmas Special of Outnumbered, where the couple's house is spilling over with their neighbours' (huge) parcels. Later in the day when the Dad is completely stressed out, he loses the plot, gathers all the parcels in the garden and starts shouting and screaming as he heaves them all over the fence. I'm glad you've learned the art of saying NO.

I'd have helped if I could ... just makes the world a better place. Too many self absorbed people in this world.

It’s a 2 hour round trip each time.
I would have to take time off work. Sorry but no way

It isn't just family commitments, it's when the OP is at work!

I'd have helped in some capacity - maybe offered to do one of the trips (yes, even if it's two hours) or offered to help her find paid transport like a reliable taxi firm. I can't imagine it was easy for her to ask for help.

I'm not someone with acres of free time but I am a bit of a helper. (I secretly think it's because I'm a butch lesbian and we seem to be on everyone's radars as driving, furniture-building, stuff-carrying, letter-writing golden retrievers.)

She's 60-ish, not 85.

Wow how much more selfish can you get?!

Four one way trips in total which you said you could do if you wanted to but you just don't want to so you're not going to do it.

What a horrible example to set for your children apart from anything else.

I'm not surprised your parents are shocked, they must be so very disappointed in you and wonder where they went wrong in raising you.

I hope you think on this decision when you need help in the future and people refuse because they can't be bothered.

You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself.

You're obviously the type who won't do anything for anyone judging by your replies. Shame there aren't more helpful thoughtful people around. 4 lifts isn't much.

Do I have this right? her family can't do it because they work but your work doesn't count? I think its the WFH is not real work thing again

Frankly, this neighbour is very cheeky even asking you. In a similar situation I wouldn’t dream of asking a neighbour for lifts. Taxis are available for situations like this, or, if you qualify, hospital transport.

No husband. Adult children with FT jobs who stay for a few nights after the chemo depending upon how sick she is. I’ll check in during the week as her children live far away, can’t afford housing in the city. They’re men/sons they are helpful.

Bloody hell calm down.

what would you say to the neighbours partner and children who have said no?

Yes, i hope in 5 years time I'll still be able to get myself to places. OP hasnt said the woman is disabled. I was widowed when dc were pre teen/early teen, so I've just had to get on with getting myself/us to places.

This is a bit different though.

It's not "can you watch little Johnny for an hour while I do this job interview?"

This is "will you commit to a four week arrangement because my children don't want to move their work schedules so I thought you could move yours instead".

She's very lucky to have you and the other volunteers and I hope she makes a full recovery.