AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

I would have done the same as you OP. You don't know the neighbour well, just to chat in passing, take the odd parcel in. This is my situation too. Our small group of neighbours also have a Whats App group, mainly to discuss any problems on the road, utilities etc. But none of them would ask me to take them to a string of hospital appointments and, like you, I simply wouldn't ask them if I had to go. We did take our 'deceased' neighbour for Covid jabs, but we knew her better and she was frail and her car was off the road. You've done nothing wrong.

A two hour round trip journey every week for four weeks is a huge ask.

I think your general tone of not asking non-family for favours EVER under any circs is odd.

It does take a village, but the village needs stocks for CFs, and her approach should have taken into account this was not a small favour.

Also, I do think you'd be well on your way to being a backstop for her kids, if this is her/their approach to things.

I would have helped.

So much in agreement x

So it's okay for her own adult children to be busy with work but not you--a neighbor, not even a friend?

You work full time and have children. In your follow-up, you state that the hospital is an hour away. So you'd have to drive for an hour, wait around for the appointment, and then drive home. That is a MAJOR inconvenience for anyone, let alone someone with a full-time job and children with school and activity schedules. I can't imagine asking this of even a close friend if they worked.

Perhaps this woman assumes that since you work from home that your schedule is more flexible than it is. Either way, given that you are only friendly and not friends, her reaction was rude.

I don't know why your mother is so keen to guilt trip you or push you to volunteer your time. Perhaps she has time on her hands that you, clearly, do not. Is she retired? It doesn't sound as if she respects the responsibilities you have committed to with your job and family.

I wouldn't feel bad. As you said, if the situation were reversed, you would not have asked this neighbor for help, and she is not your responsibility. And this is hardly a five minute favor. This is not about being neighborly. She is asking you for too much given the circumstances of your relationship.

And I've just read that it's a 2-hour trip! I've now gone from YANBU to what a bloomin' cheek!

A taxi should be the solution unless she can't afford it - do you know if this is the case?

just take - doesn't need to hang around or bring home. (I realise that 2 hours is still a big 'just'

I think some people just aren't used to paying for taxis, even when they can afford them. My mum has been driven around her whole life, first by my dad then by her kids.

When I had a foot injury and it looked like I wouldn't be able to drive my mum to her appointment, she was scandalised that the taxi would cost £50 each way.

My mum has thousands in the bank and is not mean with money. She gives to charity, she gives money to grandkids, she gives big cash gifts at weddings/birthdays.

But spending money on a taxi? Unthinkable.

What a weird one - I’m not quite sure I understand why she doesn’t want her children to re-arrange their schedules to take her, but feels that you should, when you don’t seem to be at all close

Is there a neighbourhood WhatsApp or next door neighbour type group for your street? Perhaps someone else nearby could take her.

I think I’d probably be more upset that she walked off without another word when you said no than anything else, but maybe she’s in a real bind

I wouldn’t do it either. Some hospitals have patient transport and no reason why they couldn’t take a cab.

I would have helped. We should all be good neighbours, like it was years ago. Old people weren't lonely like they are now.

I work in the NHS and there are several, might I say "difficult", patients who come here who have cajoled their neighbours into lifts they now can't get out of.
One in particular treats her neighbour like garbage and expects her to drop everything. They can all afford taxis and most of them qualify for hospital transport.
I wouldn't touch this with a 10 foot barge pole.

Really? There is nothing at all that would have made any difference to you? There must be some bit of your conscience in operation or you wouldn't be on here looking for back up.

Why are so sure that OP hasn’t done the usual embellished drip feed to garner sympathy when the thread isn’t going in the desired direction. A trick as old as mumsnet.

What an utterly weird comment!

Because if she's living in an expensive area in a large house she's likely to be fairly well-off! I don't know the finances of my neighbours, but from the houses they live in I can take a fairly good guess, as could they of us!

The neighbour has a partner and children

She has said that she wouldn't do the favour even if it was only a 20 minute drop off. I think that's pretty honest.

I think it's weird that she asked. It wouldn't occur to me to ask for my neighbour to do this, and I am friendly with her! I could understand if the neighbour had said something like 'sorry to ask but I'm desperate, is there any chance you...etc' and then said 'oh never mind, it was worth a shot, thanks anyway' when turned down. But just expecting someone she barely knows would take her on a two-hour round trip once every week is insane.

I saw that too.
Each to their own really, there is no right or wrong answer.

Which condition could the neighbour have that would make her partner and adult dc unable to accompany her to hospital? And yet qualifies a neighbour to take her?

I would have said no too, they have adult children and taxis exist!

So that would be two hours out of your working day? Absolutely no way.

Exactly tell your mum to help her out or one of the kind people on MN can message you and get the details 😂