AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

Depends on a lot of things.
If you live a short easy drive to the hospital, don't work/have no young children who aren't at school then i think it would be a good thing to do for a desperate neighbour(our elderly neighbour only asks things if an emergency/they have exhausted all other options).
If you work from home/have young children at home with you, the round trip would take 30mins+ and the neighbour is entitled rather that desperate then you definately arent being unreasonable.

How far is the hospital away?

I'm sure OP s employer will be OK with it too and not expect the hours to be worked back ... from the kindness of their heart

I think if you did it once then you would be the default option for any further lifts! If you'd got time in your day to do it then it would have been a nice gesture but a bit much for someone you hardly know.

2 hours of driving for someone on your street who you barely know, when you’re meant to be working?

Hard no.

If your mum wants to help so much…tell her to do it.

No. I just wondered not particularly for the OP, but others on here too. Given the anti older people which seems to be often displayed on Mumsnet. It literally was just what I said it was, a thought to consider. Especially if a young mum who had children etc…

How much more? I wouldn't do it even for £100.

Have you actually read the updates?
Its a 2 hour round trip

@IGotDreams
I think you should get MN to alter your title and include this otherwise you are going to get endless " be nice" messages

Maybe OP should PM all the kind posters with her general location, and whoever lives within a 2 hour drive can kindly step up?

Oh give over " nice to nice"

Why aren't the neighbours own kids being nice? They have busy work schedules, so they can't be nice enough to take their own mother to hospital.

But the OP, who owes this woman nothing, should rearrange four workdays and drive eight hours just to be nice for being nice???

Also it sounds like she has more than one child so they need to step up and rearrange their schedules! It’s not on OP to be rearranging her life the neighbours children should be rearranging their own!!! I would m feel differently in the neighbour had literally no other family.

Fair enough. Apologies, I thought I’d seen you say you didn’t.

😂

😂

if they truly need the lift and have the £ then they can use their neighbours help or get a taxi ect

I don’t understand why her dc being busy with work is ok, but the op being busy isn’t! Someone needs to adjust their schedule to fit her in and the nomination goes to … her actual children?

Conversely, I think people are more likely to do it for elderly people than younger people.

We are geared to see older people as more vulnerable.

But the OP's neighbour is neither elderly nor without other options.

Honestly, I probably would. For a relatively small commitment you've got a favour owed for the future.

I live rurally, so we generally keep to ourselves, but I make sure to maintain good relations when I can, because I never know when I'll need someone to feed the cats or whatever (I'm a single mum, so networks have been very important to me - I very much appreciate knowing that there are people around I can call if I need to, and the other side of that coin is putting myself out a little bit where needed)

OP has suggested this but funnily enough no one has even asked her OP her general whereabouts so they can see if they are nearby...

So this lady on your street, who you barely know, essentially wants you to take off 8 hours of work over the next month, because she doesn’t want to get a taxi. 8 hours that you’re going to have to make up during family time—either in the evenings, or over the weekend. Hilarious.

You could give her an invoice for 8 hours of your time at your salary, plus fuel costs, and let her decide if that’s a better option for her than a taxi.

OK - admittedly, driving a neighbour to the local hospital would only take me an hour (everything basically takes me an hour where I live). 2 hours is a commitment. BUT, I have done it for one of my school mum friends - driven down, picked her and her dad up, taken them to the hospital, then she and I went for a coffee - took over 2 hours, didn't think twice as she would (and has) absolutely done the same for me - but someone has to go first when it comes to big favours.

If it was an emergency local lift and you were doing nothing then I would do it. But not a regular lift every week for 4 weeks! So her children can’t do it because of work, which is perfectly understandable but you have work too! How is your time worth less than her children’s?! I would refuse too. I have offered a lift to the gp for my neighbour as her back went and couldn’t drive also a prescription run for the same issue. But I wouldn’t agree to anything that wasn’t a one off. She’d be better booking taxis.

It's almost like they're just doing moral grandstanding, virtue signalling, performative slacktivism.

I totally understand where OP is coming from re: not wanting to help just anyone who asks, after an astonishing incident that happened just after we moved house - a few months in the new area, but it was the first time I met the neighbours of our neighbours, i was chatting to the oldish (but not eldery) wife of the couple at a local gathering (Christmas event). She drove, had no caring responsibilities of her own, GP and hospital all within a 20min drive with ample parking, etc.

i'd barely had time to introduce myself, explain which house we'd moved into, before a very interesting comment was made - it was something like "oh you must give me your number in case you can ever do anything for me."

I thought that was odd phrasing - not "so we can see if we can help each other out". not that.

i brushed off the comment and enjoyed the rest of the party, only to learn that the woman asked a couple of other neighbours for my number over the next few weeks (fortunately they didn't have it at the time!).

Now i know what a bullet i dodged - this couple have 3 kids who all live internationally, refuse to pay for any help like a cleaner or gardener, and are on driving a constant set of expectations that neighbours will come and help (who in our case, they barely know, i'm not even convinced she could tell you my name).. collecting prescriptions.. weeding the path, collecting parcels.. making a phone call to the bank, the list is endless.

Whereas there I was, 6 months pregnant and running on fumes trying to keep down a highly-pressured, high-travel-intensity job after a very stressful long-distance move.. and this 65 year old neighbour thought I existed because "in case you can ever do anything for me"?!?!!?!

Until that lightbulb moment i've always been a bit of a people pleaser, and whenever anyone looks like they're a piss taker these days, i think back to the bullet i dodged there - there are some people in life that just take, and take and take.

I'm not saying I don't do favours for people these days,but i always try and remember if I say yes to that person, they need to be close to me, and deserve it, and on balance would be someone who'd help me out in the future - I look back to how i was in my 20s, and i think - why did i give so much away to others who didn't value it? That's time, money and energy that i should have spent on myself.

I'm with the OP on this one - unless there's missing context like the lady is genuinely at the end of her options, it's an emergency, no taxi firm can cover the trips - sorry, but there are other options. It's not up to OP to fix other people's lack of exploring them!

I would have said no too. I guess it depends how well you know, or see, your neighbours. I see mine once every few months, just in passing and it's nothing more than a 'hello'.

Similarly, if I couldn't get a lift to hospital and couldn't drive etc, I would take a taxi. I wouldn't ask neighbours I don't know.