AIBU to wonder about a 'curfew' for 18-year-olds after clubbing?

[Letfree]

Okay, new to having adult kids, no previous experience.
I have twin daughters who have just completed Alevels. Turned 18 in April.
What time are 18 year olds meant to be home? They are going clubbing with their friends as an after exams celebration and want to return at 5am! They say the clubs don't open before 12 or close until 4am and they'll need to travel back. Is this normal? Did your 18yo have a curfew? Could they just come back home the next day?

Aibu to think they should be home by midnight?

Before Alevels, they came home by 10pm most nights. They'll be going to uni this year and can do what they like then.

My parents were immigrants so I had a totally different childhood from most. I had to be home by 9pm most nights and it didn't seem strange to me at the time. When i went to uni, I went out but didn't really enjoy it much. I don't feel i missed anything. When I returned home, I was still back by 9pm at the very latest every night.

I'm a single mom so don't have anyone to discuss this with. My girls and their friends are pretty good kids. I don't want to restrict them but I don't want to abandon them either. I won't be worried as such, just want to do the right thing. Please tell me what you do.

Nope not sure how you've taken that from my replies. Just curious how anyone could rest and sleep easily and normally not knowing where their child is and when they'll be home? And does anyone actually do this or do they just stay up and worry.

I remember getting in from a night out at 7am as mum was getting up for work, stumbled past her nearly knocking her out with my Aftershock breath and slept until about 7pm then did it all again. Good times.

Haven't even thought about moving out yet!

My father, who was probably the most anxious parent this planet has ever seen, laughed when I told him I was doing something he totally disapproved of and said it wasn't his problem now. So they can learn to let go.

Yes but that doesn't stop it happening.

My father had a reply for that. "I trust you, it's other people I don't trust." Which is really not trusting us to be able to handle situations.

Because they are not a child, they are a young adult. And because I trust them, know who they are with and that they are not out joy riding or taking drugs.

Nobody I know is awake worrying all night every time a child goes out. My 20 year old and 18 year old were out last Saturday watching the Scotland game which didn't finish until 4am, there is no way I'm lying awake waiting for them to get in until 4.30am.

I dont rest easy no, its definitely broken sleep. But its not every night and as I say, as the parent and the more mature one, I dont expect him to fix my problem for me.

It’s pretty offensive to infer those of us that don’t sit up waiting until our 18 plus offspring are home are crap uncaring mothers 🙄.

Also frankly if god forbid something did happen you being awake in another place isn’t going to help is it?

Absolutely not. I have told my 18yr old she needs to stay with the rest of the group and not attempt to wonder off by herself in order to make me happy. It's always safer to be with the rest of the group. We do have life 360 on our phones so I have some vague idea but I mainly had that for when she started driving,

I just can't imagine being able to do that.

I can rest because I know she is with her friends in a group, and she isn't doing something stupid like trying to make her way home by herself at night.
She does also have life 360 on her phone so I know vaguely where she is.

I didn't have a curfew at 18 the only rule was they needed to know if I wanted picking up before dinner so Dad didn't drink and he wouldn't pick me up after 11pm. If i wasn't being picked up they wanted to kno where I was staying, usually with a friend.

Then I genuinely hope you get some help with that as its really not fair for others lives to be affected just because you cant sleep.

At 12 people will only be turning up to the clubs, the night won’t have even started properly by then.
they are now adults and as scary as it is you can’t impose a curfew on them, as especially not as early as midnight!
my rule is that they text me to keep me updated so that I don’t worry- i dont think you can ask an adult for anymore really, even if they’re only 18.

@Tink3rbell30 that’s a YOU problem that you need to sort out, not impose rules on other adults just because of your worries.
Of course we worry, and I don’t sleep well when they are out late, but that’s my problem to get over and realise that they are now adults.

Would you allow her to go away to uni?

If an 18 or 19 year old is out at Weds club night at their students union bar, are they "taking the piss" of their mother?

You'll have to get some help then, because you absolutely should not be giving your DC a curfew when they are a bit older. You'll push them away or make them anxious which is really not cool.

It's not something that will change, you can't not worry. DD is fine with my house rules anyway, I did say that from my 1st or 2nd comment.

Dd was 18 in May, no curfews but I have asked her to not be out all hours when I’m working the next day. She’s moving out in September to uni so I’m trying to remember this and not be over concerned about where she is but it is easier said than done.

She isn't going to uni so haven't needed to think about all of that.

She's fine with my house rules and understands where I'm coming from. There's no magic solution to making worry disappear anyway.

She's fine with it now, or wants you to think its fine. Will she have to be home like Cinderella when she goes on a date with someone? She might want to go on holiday soon too, or a weekend away. You'll be forced to face your anxieties then. Please get some help, for all of you.

Mine didn’t have a curfew at 18. They had to come in quietly and if they were due home but during the night their plans changed and they wouldn’t be home, they had to let
me know, so that when I woke up I’d see there not home message and not panic that they weren’t home.

she is correct about not going to the clubs till midnight & closing 3/4am then need to find taxi or uber etc.

first couple of times I kept waking up worrying but you soon get over that once they’ve done it a few times!

I didn't have a curfew when I turned 18 but my mum asked that I respect the household and have some courtesy which seemed fair. I would try to give her a rough time I'd be home (whenever that may be) and be extremely quiet when I arrived back. I shared a room with my younger sister so I was good at creeping around, and likewise she was good at letting me have a lie-in the next day!