AIBU to wonder about a 'curfew' for 18-year-olds after clubbing?

[Letfree]

Okay, new to having adult kids, no previous experience.
I have twin daughters who have just completed Alevels. Turned 18 in April.
What time are 18 year olds meant to be home? They are going clubbing with their friends as an after exams celebration and want to return at 5am! They say the clubs don't open before 12 or close until 4am and they'll need to travel back. Is this normal? Did your 18yo have a curfew? Could they just come back home the next day?

Aibu to think they should be home by midnight?

Before Alevels, they came home by 10pm most nights. They'll be going to uni this year and can do what they like then.

My parents were immigrants so I had a totally different childhood from most. I had to be home by 9pm most nights and it didn't seem strange to me at the time. When i went to uni, I went out but didn't really enjoy it much. I don't feel i missed anything. When I returned home, I was still back by 9pm at the very latest every night.

I'm a single mom so don't have anyone to discuss this with. My girls and their friends are pretty good kids. I don't want to restrict them but I don't want to abandon them either. I won't be worried as such, just want to do the right thing. Please tell me what you do.

Your conclusion completely undermines your argument. If you're parents imposing such a strict curfew and punishments contributed to you moving out at 17 to escape the curfew, it's not a great the endorsement for it, is it?

I don't see how that would be a thing. Unless you're not arsed where they are or what they're doing how would you sleep normally at the usual time.

Just let them go out and not worry about what time they have to be home, let them be adults!

They are going to uni soon let them prepare, because no doubt they will be going wild.

I have 3 adult daughters , all very different personalities , abilities and interests.
After the age of 18 , no curfew for the older 2 but I’d expect to be kept updated as to where they were , who they were with and they needed to let me know of any change in plans just in case they needed to be picked up .
I would ask them to be respectful and come in quietly , not waking anyone else up .

Feel for the past you. We had a really close friend in our group with the controlling/anxious type parents who had to be home at 12am and it didnt exactly ruin the night out but 2 of us had to leave the bar or club, and wait with her to get a taxi which was ages back then and it was just a total buzz kill. She picked up on this even though we werent nasty just a bit "urgh really?!" and gradually stopped hanging around with us

Take a wild guess which one of our group went off the rails when she started seeing a really rough guy and moved into his dingy flat after a few months just to have a bit of freedom and she was pregnant within months. I still see her and her parents around, they were actually nice people and pretty wealthy but they look like their lives are very different now, she looks like shes on crack being perfectly frank and her kids have now got DC themselves that they also had v young. A really sad butterfly effect type situation.

I also saw it with my DBro, my Dad was strict with him and he moved out as soon as he could meaning his life took a different direction to what could have been. I think thats why my parents treated me differently as they realised Dad pushed Dbro out and stunted his life chances.

Tbf thats probably why I feel really strongly about having to give grown DC freedom and trust, its no coincidence imo that the 2 people I know that were treated like little children ended up being very disadvantaged in later life.

Except I'm not arguing for it. I haven't done the same to my kids because I know how difficult it makes it socially. I'm just wondering how on earth people get away with ignoring a curfew because there is no way I'd have got away with it.

God I would be annihilated physically if I couldn’t sleep unless they were at home! Especially when one worked in a restaurant with a late licence! We live in a safe city with lots of buses and relatively cheap Ubers.

Also hate to break it to the poster that said “once you go from 17 to 18 you can’t just do what you want” well actually legally you can! Within the law anyway.

What would have happened to adult you if you ignored a curfew?

I don't know because I didn't stay home. Probably have been grounded. Would have definitely felt the disapproval. My father would have probably reacted more strongly. I never tried it out, so I have no idea. I was no longer at home.

My sibling was a bit smarter about it and just organised to 'stay at a friends'. Then did whatever she wanted. She also left home by 18 though, a year older than me.

Unless you're not arsed where they are or what they're doing how would you sleep normally at the usual time.

Not worrying about someone who is out enjoying themselves is not rhe same as not being arsed about them. My parents were in a serious car crash when I was a child they didn't come home from their night out for months. I struggled massively with anxiety anytime anyone I loved was out. It was no way to live I couldn't stop people going out because I was worryng about them I had to work on my own anxiety and find ways to cope. Now that I have teenage dds going out I have to use the same strategies so I don't spiral and start catastrophising. You seem to be confusing worrying about someone with caring about someone, you can absolutely care about them without letting your anxieties spiral or curb their lives as part of your coping strategies

Its not that we're not arsed. I didnt sleep until DS got home the first few times he went out. But that was my issue and problem, not his to fix for me.

If say that in principle they can stay out as they like.

In a shared home people need to be conscious of other people's sleep. So a general curfew could be fine. If people need to get up to work and it will be disturbing, adults living at home need to be conscious of that.

But for this event I would probably make an exception. Going out with friends to celebrate finish school is kind of a one off event.

My DD turned 18 in May, she has no curfew. I just ask her to be quiet when she gets home and not wake anyone up. Of course I always hear her getting in as I can't sleep until I know she is home.

Actually, to add to my previous reply to you, there was one time I'd been tired and got home at 9.30pm. I went straight to bed so my father didn't hear me come home. He lay awake all night listening for me. In the morning he yelled at me about 'what time did you come home' and was quite aggressive. Didn't believe my answer. My mother was around so tamed him a bit. Not sure what would have happened otherwise.

That is absolutely awful and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I just don't see how anyone can rest easy and as normal until their DC is home safe.

Do you mean you now rest easy and sleep as normal even though he isn't home or you still won't sleep until he is home?

Our rules at that sort of age were,

1. Let us know if you’re going to be very late or are staying the night at a friend’s house, otherwise I’ll be lying awake worrying.
2. Take a door key!!! Dd1 in particular was notorious for forgetting, and phoning to ask us to leave a key under the mat - about the first place burglars look.

Rubbish. You are trying to make out that because you are over-anxious and wait up for your daughter to come home that you are more caring, or love her more than those of us who are more relaxed.

It's not about being "not arsed". It's about trusting your child/adult that you as a parent have brought them up to be responsible and make good choices. Yes you ask them what their plans are, what time they expect to be back or to let you know if plans change. Or you put emergency money on a taxi app so they can get home. And have the talk about making sure you're not walking alone at 3am. But no, I don't need to know where my 20 year old or 18 year old is at every second of the day. Because I TRUST them.

Completely agree. My eldest is 21 and has left home but we had a more relaxed approach. Basically no real curfew after 16 but he would let us know where he was. After 18 we wouldn't ask but he'd usually volunteer the info which was nice. Any house rules were based on courtesy (i.e. no banging around loudly at night or leaving the kitchen in a mess) rather than control.

I'm not a perfect parent but it seems to have gone all right. We are much closer to him and on much better terms than I was with my parents so hopefully the balance has paid off. Our youngest is a girl (12) so I've still got the teenage girl years to navigate so I can't put a smug face on yet haha.

Will you ever sleep again when they move out?!

But cant you see thats not the DC fault or problem? Its really not fair for our anxieties to impact our family.

They are adults now but I do understand why you are worried, make sure to discuss safe drinking and ask how they are getting home and their plans just so you have an idea of where they are .

Midnight 😂😂 most clubs don’t open until 11!!
Mine rolls in at all hours, often as the sun is coming up.

Mine didn’t have a curfew at 18.

I don’t sleep particularly well when they’re out, but that’s my problem and not theirs. As long as they’re quiet and respectful when they come in, they can come in whenever they like.

DD1 went to uni and has now moved out with her boyfriend, I have absolutely no idea what she’s doing or what time she gets home from a night out. DD2 is now at uni, again, I have absolutely no idea what she’s doing or what time she gets home from a night out. I’d prefer them all tucked up safe at home, but they’re adults and need to crack on with their lives.

Thank you

I just don't see how anyone can rest easy and as normal until their DC is home safe.
It isn't easy I don't always achieve it but I just have to do my breathwork exercises and remind myself that me worrying about them and not sleeping is not going to make any difference to whether they are safe or not. I do have my phone on when they are out and they know they can call me if they need to but you have to work at letting go. Ask yourself is my worry and lack of sleep making any difference to their safety?