AIBU to take our daughter on holiday while DH is unwell and doesnt want me to?

[Atchooch]

This is possibly my longest ever post. I dont know how to shorten it.

DH, DD (15) and me were planning to spend the summer travelling around Europe and had started booking things.

Then DH got very unwell. He has spent most of the last few months in hospital with poor mental health. It became clear he wasn't able to go on the holiday and he expected me to cancel it.

I have refused for the following reasons:
DH's illness has hit DD really hard.
She was really, really excited about the holiday. It's the first time she's been properly excited about something in a long time. She hasn't been abroad since she was 3. She has also had a really tough year.
I think if I cancel because of DH it will really damage their relationship. Maybe that's me being dranatic.
Both DD and I need a break if I'm honest. DH has obviously dominated everything since he became ill and that's fine because it's how it needs to be. However I think it's going to be the case for a long time (possibly forever) so I think we need to minimise the impact where we can.
For the above reason I also think I need to set expectations. We cancelled a few things when he became ill and I dont want that to become the norm as harsh as that sounds. I feel like his illness can't control mine and DDs lives.
I need this. I need to prove to myself that I'll be ok. When he first went into hospital I realised how reliant I was on him and thought I wouldn't cope. That isn't healthy. I meed to prove to myself, and DD (and DH tbh) that I can do things.
DD needs to see that she doesn't need to center her world around what other people want and that she shouldn't let them stop her doing what she wants. It's really important she sees that.
I don't know when DH will be well enough to go a long weekend in the UK again, let alone anything bigger.
Financially, I expect we'll have to rely on my wage going forward so things are going to be very different and I dont know if we can afford it again.
So there is the genuine risk that it's now or never.
It just seems like the right thing to do.

As a compromise the holiday has been shortened to 10 days including travel and we will be sticking to the tourist areas instead of going off to random places like we'd planned.

I do feel awful and guilty and like I'm a bad wife for not putting him first. I do feel like I'm purposely doing sonething that I know will cause him pain. I feel like I'm letting him down and I know I will find the holiday stressful and challenging and it's really scary. Of course I'll spend most of the holiday worrying about him and feeling guilty and worrying about sonething going wrong. So then that makes me wonder why I'm doing it at all.

DH is really angry and upset over it. His anxiety is spiralling. He is feeling like I'm not listening and don't care about the impact it is having on him. He is also resentful because he will need to stay with his family while DD and me are away because he isn't well enough to be by himself.

Although, they have been very little help over the last few months so I dont know what I'll do if they wont let him stay.

They will judge me more than they already do.

My family will judge me. But my parents wouldn't even go on a daytrip alone. It meant that we missed out on things because my mum wouldn't do things if my dad wasnt able to go with her. I dont want that for my DD.

So anyway, I will be taking DD on the holiday and I'll deal with the fallout. But I was just wondering what other people would do? Would you disregard your DH and go on holiday or would you put or DH first? Please be kind. It's really upsetting and whatever I do is wrong.

Years ago I was so mentally unwell that my partner had to cancel a trip to Thailand.
I just wanted to say, things can get better, I'm back at work now and he went on the Thailand trip a couple of years later.

Go on the holiday…. 100% go go go.

I’m sorry OP that you are not having a great time but you can’t pour from an empty cup. You and your DD need a break and it’s incredibly selfish of DH not to appreciate that. I understand he has MH challenges but they can’t take over to the extent they consume you and your DD. You only get one life, live it. I don’t care what your family or his think, it’s not them living it day in and day out. Go on your break, DH will have to cope.

Oh gosh OP absolutely go on the trip with your daughter. Its only for 10 days and you both deserve a break. You have to think about both of your needs as you will be dealing with this for many years to come. Your husband is not well and is not able to see this as a good thing for your both, its his illness taking over. Yes please do go, you would regret it forever if you did not take this opportunity. There will be other times in the future where you do things with your DD as your husband is not able to and thats the right way to do things. And if anyone dare criticise you feel free to tell them to stick their opinion where the sun doesn't shine and mind their own business!

You can’t pour from an empty cup, he needs you to be the best, strongest version of yourself to be able to support him in his recovery. You are a wonderful wife and he is lucky to have you. From reading the posts, it sounds like you need and deserve the break. I hope you have a lovely time x

I think its time for some medium term planning given it sounds like the illness is longer term.

Go on the holiday.

Be clear with the hospital that you aren't around for whichever days. Be consistent in your communication with your husband - I imagine you can phone / text / email him directly or via staff. Say how much communication you're planning to have (daily updates/ every other day / not at all because reception is dodgy etc) and stick to it. You can't alter his internal feeling of anxiety but you can demonstrate by doing it that your trip is perfectly safe.

Consider how you can widen your support circle. There's a concept known as "circles of support" it's worth looking up and seeing if it can be adapted to work for you. The hospital ought to be willing to help - you could invite his parents, your parents, siblings, other friends, work colleagues, people from hobbies and so on and talking through what everybody is able and willing to offer by way of support. Whilst he's in hospital having visitors other than you might be good as might people sending cards / emails / puzzle books etc - there's lots of little things many people could do and might well be willing to do because they're not big burdens.

If his family is distant/ unhelpful I don't think him going there straight after a hospital discharge is a viable plan. If there's willingness on their part to be more supportive then there's room for the hospital to work with them and your husband to see if one of them can provide you with respite by being supportive enough of your husband that he's happy to go there at times.

I would hope the hospital has experience of working with complicated family relationships and helping improve them / contain them.

I think he needs to stay in hospital until he's well enough to come home.

I have been in this situation OP and the best thing I did following the 3rd section was to take my DC on holiday....for all of us. Years on...my DC tell everyone how they appreciated me prioritising their needs and exams. I also turned off the phone, blocked the hospital, social workers, other members of his useless family.for the time we were away. After months of accepting unsafe discharges, I had enough, was at risk of going under myself and whilst I tried to protect my DC from.the worse of it, they needed some normality and stability. He never really got better, or came home, but ended up with a reasonable package....and my DC could see him when he was safe to be around. They could see him as dad, have a decent relationship, but never had to experience the very scary complex mental health issues. Years on, I would do exactly the same again, despite the abuse I got for it. It really saved relationships and our own well-being. Ignore people who try and guilt you. You can't save someone from themselves and with threats of suicide, a very wise CPN told me if they are going to do, they will do it if you are there or not. Didn't want to hear it at the time, but I absolutely believe it is true now.

As a psychologist told me, some people with mental I'll health use it to control others. He might feel less supported but the world cannot revolve around him.

Enjoy yourselves, you both need the respite. If he's in hospital he will be fine - make sure to call him on video chat regularly if he'll take your call.

Oh, my dear. You must definitely go on holiday (and not the shortened one - the previously longer planned one). You must do this for your daughter, quite aside from yourself. He might not be ‘well’ although I think there are more layers to this) but he is a grown up and your daughter (your priority) is suffering. You must also make the conscious decision that, while on holidays, you will not think or worry about your husband at all. He is a grown man with family. You will be on holidays with your precious daughter who needs to be completely free to enjoy the holiday she so obviously deserves. Sorry to be a bossy boots, but you know in your heart of hearts what the right thing to do is. Life is short and regrets (especially with respect to children are a heavy toll). Hugs to you both.

You need to go OP, for your mental health as much as anything

I have some experience of this and I don’t know your exact details but I would say to go.

Yes you need a break. Dh needs realise that your life does not evolve around him. This will be a good step for the future for you and dd to do things together. He can’t expect your world to stop because he is ill. It’s 10 days out of the year maybe dh needs an aim that if he is well enough next time he could come along depending on his health obviously.

Oh op!im guessing you were the op who did the 30 day thread whose husband was sectioned. I've been thinking of you. Yes, go, please go! I'm experiencing a mentally ill husband myself right now although he's not sectioned. The impact on my life makes me feel trapped!

Firstly I think you and your daughter should go away.

My concern is that he/his family/friends etc may see it as you and yr dd having a (well deserved) break while he is where he is and I worry for you that it might be frowned upon.

At this stage is he still as keen for you to cancel it or is he able to see the whole picture now and appreciate how good it would be for you and your dd to have a break? Would it work if you shortened even more and just went for a week? At least then it would be viewed as a much shorter trip.

I didnt need to read past the first paragraph....YANBU.
Something similar happened to me when I was a child. Once in a lifetime trip cancelled because my mum injured her leg. Rather thsn my dad just take me and my sister it was all about 'poor her'.
Take your kids, its about them.

OP, please go. I read your first posts before this one, you are being a wonderful and supportive wife. I have had severe MH issues in the past and you sound just like how my husband was - kind, caring, and trying to understand an invisible illness that is hurting someone you love - your husband is lucky to have you.
My husband said to me, once my condition was manageable, that it was soul destroying seeing me like that, and that’s really stuck with me; because all the focus is on the one who is unwell, the carers get sidelined when it comes to making sure they are okay. You deserve the break, and so does your daughter ❤️
To give you some hope, I couldn’t see a way forward when I was unwell - it had been 7 years of gradually getting worse until it became unbearable. Once I saw the right psychiatrist who took a chance with a different diagnosis and different drugs, I got much better. My illnesses are still always there, and I will always be heavily medicated, but I know my limitations, I know my triggers, and I can manage them accordingly. I am positive that the same will happen for your husband xx

Go OP and have a brilliant holiday with your daughter x

Hi OP. I thought it might be you when I read the title and remember your thread vividly. Its such a terrible situation for all of you.

Having had over a decade of experience working with people in psychiatric hospitals and their families, this is a situation I came across often. Mental illness is a massive continuum. Having a clear precipitant (pregnancy or child birth, a traumatic event etc) and the diagnosed problem, make a massive difference to prognosis. And that is really important. If it was likely to be relatively short lived incident, with a full recovery likely, cancelling the holiday would be more reasonable. But in this case, given the type of presentation you have described, this is likely to be a much longer road, with an uncertain end point. I am sorry, for you, him and your DD, but I do think this is a situation where its not possible to do what he wants.

When I started work in MH about 25 years ago, I was very judgmental about people who left mentally ill partners. But after years of seeing how very severe illness affects people, I had to rethink that approach. I saw everything from people who had stuck by for decades and were husks who were barely functional, and people who had lit out at the first sign of higher need. Realistically in a family, everyone's needs are important, and sometimes one person may need more than the others can give or rather keep giving. The worst thing that can happen is that a partner completely depletes themselves to the point of illness themself because then no one is around to advocate for the MH partner. I saw many people who had to divorce to protect themselves and their children, but were still the main advocate for their partner.

As you have a child, one who has seen what is going on and who has been severely affected by it, its ok that her needs come first for 10 days. You DH will be upset, of course he will, he must be terrified. But you have already changed your plans so much and you have nothing to feel guilty about. All the best to all of you. You are a great mum and partner.

This is very unfair. If you read the OPs updates, I hope you get a better idea of what has been going on. You are speaking as if this is a temporary thing that DH is going to get better from. It isnt.

10 days break after months and months and months of hell is unfair? Get a grip.

100% this

Put your daughter first - GO. You've already made massive changes to this plan. You need a break for your own mental health.

Hi, I followed your previous thread and my heart went out to you - I'm so sorry these last few months have continued to be so hard.
I'm another who encourages you to go for both your sakes; you need it and if your husband were well, he would agree too. If this is going to be the new normal, then you need to mitigate as much as you can. This will be good for both of you, but also a bit of probably much needed mother/daughter bonding. Love and strength to you 💐

If your husband had any decency, he would want you to go away and have a lovely break with your daughter.

Go