AIBU to take our daughter on holiday while DH is unwell and doesnt want me to?

[Atchooch]

This is possibly my longest ever post. I dont know how to shorten it.

DH, DD (15) and me were planning to spend the summer travelling around Europe and had started booking things.

Then DH got very unwell. He has spent most of the last few months in hospital with poor mental health. It became clear he wasn't able to go on the holiday and he expected me to cancel it.

I have refused for the following reasons:
DH's illness has hit DD really hard.
She was really, really excited about the holiday. It's the first time she's been properly excited about something in a long time. She hasn't been abroad since she was 3. She has also had a really tough year.
I think if I cancel because of DH it will really damage their relationship. Maybe that's me being dranatic.
Both DD and I need a break if I'm honest. DH has obviously dominated everything since he became ill and that's fine because it's how it needs to be. However I think it's going to be the case for a long time (possibly forever) so I think we need to minimise the impact where we can.
For the above reason I also think I need to set expectations. We cancelled a few things when he became ill and I dont want that to become the norm as harsh as that sounds. I feel like his illness can't control mine and DDs lives.
I need this. I need to prove to myself that I'll be ok. When he first went into hospital I realised how reliant I was on him and thought I wouldn't cope. That isn't healthy. I meed to prove to myself, and DD (and DH tbh) that I can do things.
DD needs to see that she doesn't need to center her world around what other people want and that she shouldn't let them stop her doing what she wants. It's really important she sees that.
I don't know when DH will be well enough to go a long weekend in the UK again, let alone anything bigger.
Financially, I expect we'll have to rely on my wage going forward so things are going to be very different and I dont know if we can afford it again.
So there is the genuine risk that it's now or never.
It just seems like the right thing to do.

As a compromise the holiday has been shortened to 10 days including travel and we will be sticking to the tourist areas instead of going off to random places like we'd planned.

I do feel awful and guilty and like I'm a bad wife for not putting him first. I do feel like I'm purposely doing sonething that I know will cause him pain. I feel like I'm letting him down and I know I will find the holiday stressful and challenging and it's really scary. Of course I'll spend most of the holiday worrying about him and feeling guilty and worrying about sonething going wrong. So then that makes me wonder why I'm doing it at all.

DH is really angry and upset over it. His anxiety is spiralling. He is feeling like I'm not listening and don't care about the impact it is having on him. He is also resentful because he will need to stay with his family while DD and me are away because he isn't well enough to be by himself.

Although, they have been very little help over the last few months so I dont know what I'll do if they wont let him stay.

They will judge me more than they already do.

My family will judge me. But my parents wouldn't even go on a daytrip alone. It meant that we missed out on things because my mum wouldn't do things if my dad wasnt able to go with her. I dont want that for my DD.

So anyway, I will be taking DD on the holiday and I'll deal with the fallout. But I was just wondering what other people would do? Would you disregard your DH and go on holiday or would you put or DH first? Please be kind. It's really upsetting and whatever I do is wrong.

Absolutely you should go. I grew up with a mother who had very bad depression and my Dad took me away on holiday once. It is a wonderful memory in amongst a lot of challenging times for everyone. Sometimes your daughter has to come first, and it sounds like if your husband was well he would absolutely want that.

I hope things stabilise for him soon. Look after yourself

Edit for typo

Go. It is terrible, a close family member with a mental illness, but you are not his nurse, his mother or his carer.

You are a mother and you must also think of your daughter. You must also think of yourself.

Being a worn out mother and wife is not a good idea, and will not be helpful in the future. As for judgy family members or "friends", ignore them (as much as possible).

You need to stay strong over this.

@Atchooch I have read your previous threads. I am mum to a young adult who has a diagnosis of bipolar and learning disabilities.
I can see why you created a post because the decision is not easy to make.
If you decide to holiday are you going to allow phone contact with your husband? Because I can tell you from experience it will only take one crying phone call to destroy any enjoyment and you will want
to come home.

Mental illness is incredibly selfish.

Is husband’s family on board with taking responsibility for him for the duration of the holiday without referring to you? Have they had a trial run of caring for him? Maybe a practice weekend.

The actual holiday. I see you have scaled it back . Every autistic person is different and I assume you have thought about any challenges your daughter might have on the trip.

You will get judgey comments. They do sting. I have a mother with brain cancer she hasn’t got long left but is not in the active dying stage. And you know what I am going to have a weekend away with my husband. There was a lot I wanted to say to judgey relative but went with “you can’t pour from an empty pot”

Wishing you better days to come

I have lived with someone with serious mental illness for 3 years now. He was sectioned, then kept not taking his meds and having another episode. After the second time I told him the marriage was over as I felt the relationship had become enabling. I did everything for 2 years- he was anxious about driving so I did it. He couldn't get out of bed so I upped my work hours. He couldn't do anything with the kids so I did it. I am still living in the same house as his carer though. OP your statement about ' if you don't go your DD will never forgive him resonates with me. I have a 15 year old DS and he is angry with his dad. I've tried to speak to him about it and he says it's fine, he's just fed up of the ups and downs but he's barely speaking to H. I was going to take DS1 on holiday for his post A Level treat for 4 days, and I'm taking DS2 now too, as I feel he deserves to have something good happen over the summer. I am going to have to speak to H again and say if he doesn't help himself he will have to go elsewhere especially as GCSES are coming up and he doesn't need the stress. I suspect it's different as I feel H has got a bit addicted to being ill. I can't understand why he has twice not taken his meds and has lied about therapy otherwise.

Do not feel guilty for a second. You’ve supported your husband, and I’m sure you’ll continue to do so when you’re back.
But you also have a daughter who needs you. Life can’t be solely focused on your husband – he has other family around him, and I’m sure he’ll be well looked after.
You deserve to let your daughter experience life, and it’s okay to prioritise that. Your husband may not mean to, but it does come across as quite unfair for you to carry all of that responsibility.
You only get one life – go and make some special memories with your daughter 🤍

Obviously you and your dd need a break but you need to make sure support is in place or what's the point, you'll spend the whole time stressing.

You say he needs to stay at his family's but no discussion seems to have been had about that? Yes everyone will say its up to him to organise but it isn't, ill people cannot advocate for themselves so arrange back up then go on your trip.

I am going to go against what most people are saying, but I think you are being selfish and not teaching your daughter to be caring. Someone with mental health issues is hard to cope with, but he needs you to advocate for him and also when you are ill a visitor can be vital. not saying a break is not needed but a plan like this is unfair

Absolutely disagree.
as pp have said the load on a carer is immense and it’s actually dreadful of you to call the op selfish for looking after the wellbeing of herself and her dd.
I know it’s anathema for some, but sometimes other people have to be the priority, not just the person with mh difficulties

I followed your original posts closely and was very worried for you when you stopped updating. I was very sad to read the update here! Go, go go! Your daughter will likely thank you (in about 15 years time In her thirties) for doing your best to keep things as normal as possible for her

Another person here who remembers your previous posts, and often wondered how things were. I’m so sorry to hear that they haven’t got any better.

overall, I’m also of the opinion that you should take your DD on the trip - for all the reasons already given by PP.

I can also understand your worry for what will happen with your DH while you are away, if he will get the care that he needs, and how he feels about your decision.

I noticed a recent post about another possible source of support, and I know you have been fighting hard for your DH, so I’m sure you’ll be trying every avenue possible to see if there is anything they can offer.

if it helps you to reach a decision, perhaps write down what would need to be in place care-wise for you to feel more comfortable going, eg: a) he is still an inpatient, b) you’ve secured 24hr support at home, c) his family have confirmed he can stay with them, etc.

would knowing that you will not be available to care for him, be a factor in whether his current specialists keep him in hospital while you are away? I would have hoped that they would see he is not safe to be discharged without support in place?

it’s clear that your DH is very unwell, and is distressed by the thought of you being away/abroad etc. however, he is also not able to see how very much you and DD need this trip - and that if you don’t take some respite yourself, you will not be well enough yourself to care for him; and that DD needs something positive for her wellbeing too.

He is too ill to recognise this now, but you’ve said many times what a good husband/father he is underneath his illness, so I hope that when he is well, he understands and accepts your decisions, even if he remembers how he felt at the time.

you having been working incredibly hard to meet DH and DD needs - and you are doing an amazing job in such difficult circumstances. as well as being a wife and a mum, you are a person in your own right, and you have to meet your own needs.

sending you unmumsnetty hugs

Additionally, even on the assumption that the best thing here is to teach DD to be caring and there's no need to even mention her welfare (vomit) there's no explanation of how denying her this holiday is going to do that. Just an assumption that forced self sacrifice and denial will do the trick, rather than say, create resentment and mistrust.

That's a dreadful thing to say.

It does seem like you haven't seen OPs previous threads, but this tendency to prioritise the ill person to the detriment of everyone else in the family is very wearing.

OP needs some rest and to recharge. She can't help her DH without anything to give. It's not DDs responsibility to be caring. She is a child.

She won't thank her if her df ends up worse she will live with guilt for the rest of her life,

They need to go. The op needs to organise back up/ support whatever be that family friends or paid carers. Obviously.

You can't put your life or that of your DD's on hold. Yes, you can both support your DH, but you can't live his mental illness along with him. You are the one that is mentally healthy, so you can make the rational and considered decisions here. Go and go without guilt. Any ups and downs in his health or not of your making. His illness sounds far too serious for you do deal with or be able to have any meaningful impact on. Your priorities are right - protect your DD and yourself.

OP go, you both need it. Sometimes as a carer you need to prioritise you (& dd). I say that as sombody who has done exactly what your doing , though dh had diffrent health issues. Dd now 6 years later remambers that holiday ,as do I with alot of joy and rhe realisation that we could be normal again for a while helped so much. Go, enjoy and switch off your phone you are not a bad person

Addiction is a really good analogy actually.

Even if he does get better, it will always be there hovering in the background. If he gets a bit overly excited one day - is this just him being excited or is it mania kicking in? If he has a rubbish day and is in a bit of a low mood - is he going to start hiding pills again?

It will always be there now.

Remember your previous posts. Go and try to enjoy the time with your DD. He is manipulating you and will continue to do so if you back down to him now. You and your daughter have to consider your own health.
There are some people on here being very unkind to you-perhaps they do not know the background.

@Atchooch I hope you can feel the support and empathy for you and your DD on here. I often wonder how you both are and I really hope you can enjoy quality time together. As you said above, it will always be there, but your daughter won’t always be this age or want to go on holiday with you xx

If this illness lasts a lifetime is OP to never have any respite?Should she be there 24/7 365 days a year? Should her life halt now, no work, no time for self care? What if she becomes ill should she just carry on until she drops?

She needs a holiday yes. She needs to arrange support whilst away, so she can actually enjoy herself.

Go OP. Mental illness can make people very selfish. But that doesn’t mean you have to give into it. He has other support and you cannot permanently be there as a support worker.

Also anxiety is not soothed by pandering to it. If you stayed then his brain would tell him that he needs you there all the time or his anxiety would become unbearable. If you go and he’s okay (which he will be) his brain will start to realise that he can manage without you and his anxiety will start to lessen.

Maybe try to not be around for short periods of time before the trip to acclimatise him first. But go on this trip. You and your daughter need it and you can’t have either of you burning out by not getting a break.

Did you see the bit where he’s staying with his family while she’s away.

Carer fatigue is an issue for lots of families. You need a break and so does your daughter. Your husband is going to have to come second for a bit so you can support him long term. And your daughter needs something to look forward to and have some fun. Part of what he needs to adjust to is that his illness impacts on everyone even if it’s not his fault.

you must go. I remember your previous thread and am sorry things are still so hard.

Just adding into the sea of voices!

Please go. You alone cannot fix him, who knows how long his illness is going to last? It could be forever, and then what? You never go on holiday? Nah.

He may not see it, but you and DD having a break, coming back refreshed, will be of a benefit to him to.

Hope you both have an amazing time x

Go.