This is possibly my longest ever post. I dont know how to shorten it.
DH, DD (15) and me were planning to spend the summer travelling around Europe and had started booking things.
Then DH got very unwell. He has spent most of the last few months in hospital with poor mental health. It became clear he wasn't able to go on the holiday and he expected me to cancel it.
I have refused for the following reasons:
DH's illness has hit DD really hard.
She was really, really excited about the holiday. It's the first time she's been properly excited about something in a long time. She hasn't been abroad since she was 3. She has also had a really tough year.
I think if I cancel because of DH it will really damage their relationship. Maybe that's me being dranatic.
Both DD and I need a break if I'm honest. DH has obviously dominated everything since he became ill and that's fine because it's how it needs to be. However I think it's going to be the case for a long time (possibly forever) so I think we need to minimise the impact where we can.
For the above reason I also think I need to set expectations. We cancelled a few things when he became ill and I dont want that to become the norm as harsh as that sounds. I feel like his illness can't control mine and DDs lives.
I need this. I need to prove to myself that I'll be ok. When he first went into hospital I realised how reliant I was on him and thought I wouldn't cope. That isn't healthy. I meed to prove to myself, and DD (and DH tbh) that I can do things.
DD needs to see that she doesn't need to center her world around what other people want and that she shouldn't let them stop her doing what she wants. It's really important she sees that.
I don't know when DH will be well enough to go a long weekend in the UK again, let alone anything bigger.
Financially, I expect we'll have to rely on my wage going forward so things are going to be very different and I dont know if we can afford it again.
So there is the genuine risk that it's now or never.
It just seems like the right thing to do.
As a compromise the holiday has been shortened to 10 days including travel and we will be sticking to the tourist areas instead of going off to random places like we'd planned.
I do feel awful and guilty and like I'm a bad wife for not putting him first. I do feel like I'm purposely doing sonething that I know will cause him pain. I feel like I'm letting him down and I know I will find the holiday stressful and challenging and it's really scary. Of course I'll spend most of the holiday worrying about him and feeling guilty and worrying about sonething going wrong. So then that makes me wonder why I'm doing it at all.
DH is really angry and upset over it. His anxiety is spiralling. He is feeling like I'm not listening and don't care about the impact it is having on him. He is also resentful because he will need to stay with his family while DD and me are away because he isn't well enough to be by himself.
Although, they have been very little help over the last few months so I dont know what I'll do if they wont let him stay.
They will judge me more than they already do.
My family will judge me. But my parents wouldn't even go on a daytrip alone. It meant that we missed out on things because my mum wouldn't do things if my dad wasnt able to go with her. I dont want that for my DD.
So anyway, I will be taking DD on the holiday and I'll deal with the fallout. But I was just wondering what other people would do? Would you disregard your DH and go on holiday or would you put or DH first? Please be kind. It's really upsetting and whatever I do is wrong.